


Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

by Magentas_Nightmare



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms
Genre: Adult Content, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-05-08 06:59:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 49,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14688897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magentas_Nightmare/pseuds/Magentas_Nightmare
Summary: Merle is sent to court-ordered rehab after a DUI accident where he injures a woman badly. Andrea is the counselor/social worker who runs the facility and may be the last person in the world who has the compassion and bravery to save Merle Dixon. This is a slow burn story and contains some darker elements, but nothing graphic or overly upsetting.





	1. A Hard Case

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KrissyG927](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrissyG927/gifts).



_**Slow Dancing in a Burning Room** _

_**Chapter One – A Hard Case**_

__

When he opened his eyes, he was alone in the dark, laying on a thin plastic 'mattress' on a cement floor. He was shivering violently, both from the chill in the air and his withdrawal. Sitting up took everything he had, and a wave of nausea washed over him out of the blue. He had to vomit imminently and scanned the room for a place to do so. He let his stomach contents loose into a grey pail in the corner of the room and then sank back down to the ground.

It was a mystery to him how he'd ended up in the cell, but he was confident he deserved it. Eventually, someone would come along and describe to him what he’d done, and he just prayed that he hadn't killed anyone this time.

He proceeded to tremble on the floor, wishing for some cold water to drink and a bridge to jump from. These wishes both traveled aboard the same train of thought. His life was a mess, and he was sick and tired of living; it was time to admit that he'd never be OK and to just check out. Merle Dixon was finished with life; he just needed one more push to end it all.

/

Andrea sank down behind her desk, slipped her feet into her heels and checked her makeup in a compact before answering her intercom.

"Send him in, Tony."

"You got it."

Tony was her sidekick around the facility, he was her back up with patients who needed a heavier hand, and she counted on him daily. Her staff was bare bones after losing her other addictions counselor, and she struggled to manage it all. She currently only had her orderly, Tony, her cook, George and a new counselor named Maggie who was still learning the ropes.

The DA was bringing her the new cases of court-ordered rehab, and she hoped, as she always did, the recidivism would be low this time. Phillip waltzed in and placed the stack of case files on her desk as he moved in for a kiss.

"Close the door first," she whispered.

They had been sleeping together for a few weeks, and he couldn't seem to wrap his mind around her wanting to keep her work life separate yet.

"Sorry," he smiled, closing the door behind him and taking her in his arms.

"Can't wait until tonight?" she grinned.

It was flattering, but she wasn't the type to like sexual encounters at work. It had taken her years to get where she was, and it wouldn't take much for her to be taken less seriously.

"I suppose I can."

She kissed him back sweetly and sat down behind her desk to skim over her new cases. The facility was almost empty, and the two residents she had were nearing the end of their treatment. She could only house five patients at one time; Davidson, Georgia was a small city with low resources.

"You got a hard case this time, Andy," he chuckled.

There were three files on her desk, and she wondered which one he meant.

"This one is a medical rehab, Phillip; we can't take this one here," she said, handing back the case file of a prisoner who needed hospital treatment.

"They're sending a nurse to supervise," Phillip explained.

"I don't have the security in place for this," she insisted. "This could involve seizures and meds that I don't have on hand. Alcoholism and addiction to painkillers with a history of assault, this could be rough."

"They're going to take care of all of that, don't worry."

Andrea sighed heavily. With only one hospital in town, she was often given cases that were beyond her scope, but they knew she was the best person to handle the tricky situations, the hospital didn't deal primarily in addiction and often didn't know how to handle it.

"When is this one coming?"

"Any minute now, he's coming from the county jail."

"What did he do?"

"DUI with a serious injury involved. They denied his bail cause they need him detoxed to stand trial. See what he's like, and maybe I can cut him a deal if he pleads guilty."

"You got it."

Andrea sighed and looked at the case. Merle Dixon was 38 and had a long history of screwing up. Charges of assault, possession of drugs, DUIs and myriad other smaller charges.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do for him here."

"You'll figure it out," Phillip smiled. "You're the best there is."

Just then, the alarm at the security door at the back of her facility went off, and she groaned as she got up.

"I'll see you tonight then?" he winked.

"Ugh," she huffed, but stopped to kiss him goodbye quickly.

/

Andrea walked the narrow corridor to the back door where she met an officer who had a filthy man cuffed in front of him.

"Where the fuck am I?" the man barked.

"Davidson Regional Detox Facility," she smiled. "Merle Dixon, I presume."

"I don't need to be here, just send me back to the fuckin' jail."

"I'm afraid such decisions aren't up to you, Mr. Dixon."

He turned to the police officer holding him up and smirked in a cocky way that annoyed her right out of the gate.

"Does she always talk like an uppity bitch or is it just my lucky day?"

"Hey, watch your mouth. This woman is your warden for the next 28 days."

"What the fuck? I don't need to be here!" he hollered.

"Take him to the holding cell," Andrea sighed.

She wasn't dealing with the new guy until he had his manners in check. Merle was taken to the secure cell and uncuffed but instructed to sit on the cot like a good boy until he was spoken to.

"Fuck you," Merle growled. "What is this place, juvie?"

Andrea figured she'd try to plead her case but knew that it wouldn't do much good.

"He's huge," she said to the cop as she signed the paperwork to take over his care. "I have a new girl on tonight because we were almost empty...I can't leave her with this guy; he'll drive her crazy by morning."

"Sorry, I can't do anything about it."

"If the state wants me taking hard cases like this I'd sure appreciate more funding for security. I'm gonna have my work cut out for me getting him settled."

"We're all strapped," he nodded. "Sorry."

"Alright, see you later."

Andrea walked back to the secure cell and asked Tony to back her up. She was 5 foot 7, and under 140 pounds; this man had priors for assault, and she wasn't looking to be next.

"Mr. Dixon?" she began.

"Yes, teacher!" he growled.

"Look, we need to get a few things straight, and then I think me and you could come to some agreement."

"Uh huh."

She could only see the top of his head through the tiny window in the door as he sat on the bunk and she dreaded dealing with a mouthy man; nothing annoyed her more than sarcasm from a man.

"Number one: I didn't put you here, you did that. Number two: I happen to believe that even criminal addicts are human beings, so I will treat you as well as you treat me. Number three: I am here to help you, and I will do everything I can to make your stay here productive and comfortable. Number four: I will not take your shit and abuse with a smile. If you are verbally or physically abusive with me or my staff, I will not hesitate to make your life unpleasant and write a report to the judge in your case that can only be described as unfavorable."

"You got that speech memorized, Sugartits?"

Andrea bit her tongue and unlocked the cell to make eye contact.

"I do have it memorized," she smiled. "Now, I'm going to need you to undress for me, Mr. Dixon. I have inmates brought over from county with drugs every other week, and I do not allow contraband in my facility.

She placed a basic grey uniform on the dresser in his room, and he stood up casually.

"I gotta show my cock to your pal over here?"

"He's seen it all before, he has one himself in fact," she smiled.

Merle grinned, pulled his shirt over his head, and then tossed it to her playfully.

"This stinks of whiskey," she huffed.

"You got a shower ‘round this shithole? I look even better wet," he winked.

"Right this way," she sighed.

Andrea knew she wasn't getting out of there until later in the evening. She would at least have to wait till lights out when he'd be locked up to leave Maggie alone with him.

Andrea walked Merle to the shower area, and she and the orderly watched as he untied his boots and dropped his jeans and boxers to the ground. He handed her his clothing and then stepped into the shower with the lukewarm spray.

"You're staring," he chuckled when he caught her eyeing his tackle.

"I assure you it's not for fun. Turn around and bend over, Mr. Dixon."

"Pretty thorough, aren't you?" he winked and then obeyed her orders.

“It’s necessary in a place like this, and everyone gets the same treatment,” she explained.

"Dark side of the moon, Sugartits!" he joked.

Andrea couldn't help but laugh as he stood up and proceeded to wash his hair. His back was covered with lash marks, and she knew that something awful had happened to him in life. So many of the people who ended up in her facility were victims of horrendous childhood sexual and physical abuse. The fact that she could see this and all of the things they were charged with and still saw every one of them as human is what made her so good at her job. Andrea didn't take nonsense, and she ran the place like a well-oiled machine, but she had boundless compassion as well, it was a delicate balance.

"Can’t a guy get five minutes alone to jerk off around here?" he asked as his eyes moved from one to the other.

"You'll have plenty of time for that in your room tonight, Mr. Dixon."

"Don't wanna watch?"

This man was playing the fool, so she decided to call his bluff.

"You know what?" she purred. "Yeah...do it."

"Pffft! Not with him there, I ain't queer!"

"Tony, can you step into the hallway, please?"

Tony knew her style; he knew it was a power play, so he casually did as she asked and stepped into the hall.

She could see the expression on Merle's face change to one that showed he'd been outsmarted.

"Come on," she said then, stepping closer to him to show that she wasn't afraid. "Let's see it."

"Huh?"

Andrea loved to mess with the ones who thought they were clever so her hands went to the buttons on her suit jacket and she unfastened just one.

"You gonna tease me all night? You said you'd jerk off for me," she pouted.

"You're fucked, lady!" he shot back. "You're all kinds of crazy!"

"Just like I thought," she sighed. "All bark and no bite. Do we understand each other now?"

"Yeah...I guess so."

Andrea told him he could have ten minutes in the shower alone and that she would bring him some take-out food since the kitchen was closed. She stepped toward the door to the hallway, and he called after her that he liked fried chicken and added the word, please.

"You got it, Mr. Dixon. See? We can be friends, right?"

/

Merle sat alone in the dark that night after a nurse showed up to check him over and give him some medicine. He behaved himself for her, but only because the blonde woman was watching the whole time, it seemed best not to mess with her. The door was locked, and his body was filled with meds that would 'assist' him with his detox. He had given this new boss lady the works, and she took it from him without getting rattled, he had to respect that.

He still didn't plan to make it to his trial. He still planned to check out before life got any uglier.

When the cops at the county jail informed him of what he'd actually done, it cemented his decision to rid the world of Merle Dixon. Thanks to his stupid decisions, a woman he never even met was in the hospital. They told him she was in rough shape and had a broken leg to deal with; he had fucked up this woman's life all in one split second when he decided to drive home.

He hated being alone. He was haunted when he was alone, and it had been that way since childhood. Merle was being eaten alive by guilt, but it would be a cold day in hell before he showed his pain to anyone. He maintained a mask of cockiness as a shield, and it had kept him protected all his life. When people knew you were vulnerable, they would hurt you, that's how his old man operated. He vowed never to show anyone that he had feelings, emotional or physical. Keeping everyone at arm's length was exhausting but necessary.


	2. That First Week...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter to establish his life at the facility and to lay out the relationship he will share with Andrea. This is a slow burning story, probably the longest slow burn I have ever written but I have some oneshots and more smutty stuff to post really soon. Just been crazy busy lately!!! lol  
> Thanks for reading!  
> P.s. next chapter is quite dark...

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Two – That First Week… _ **

 

Andrea stayed that night until the nurse was finished caring for her new resident and after he was somewhat sedated for the evening, she left the new girl in charge.

Maggie Greene had come over from the hospital psych ward, so she knew what she was doing, and Andrea was grateful to have more support. The only other staff she had were Tony and George. They had been managing without adequate night staff for over a week since losing their other full-time care worker. The one blessing was that she had fewer patients lately and could manage with less staff in a bind. Merle settled down nicely that first night after his nurse left, in fact, he appeared to be almost subdued to her. Andrea planned to talk to him first thing in the morning if he was willing.

She met Phillip for drinks but was late due to work. He grumbled about her babying her residents again, and she didn’t appreciate the input. After only a few weeks of dating, she didn't need his criticism of her work habits.

"You do your thing, and I'll do mine," she had said, and Phillip just rolled his eyes.

"What about this new guy, was he a pain in the ass for you?"

"It wasn't too bad; I think he'll do fine."

"He’ll be serving some time, that’s for sure," Phillip added casually.

"I think he has a real shot at rehabilitation if he just opens up a little."

"You think they all do," Phillip scoffed. "You're running a daycare over there."

"Excuse me!"

"I don't mean anything bad...you're just too forgiving with these people."

"You don't have any faith in people, do you, Phillip?"

"In good people, I do. Bad people have already shown us who they are."

"Nobody is all good or all bad though."

"I know that. I tell little lies and shit, but I don't leave a woman I never met injured in the hospital."

Andrea couldn't argue with that, so she didn't bother, she just changed the subject. There had to be a way back from huge mistakes, or else what was the point in everything she believed?

/

When Andrea arrived at work the next morning, she had two more residents to get settled, and they were only there on 24-hour stays, so she got them cleaned up quickly and went to check on Merle.

"How are we this morning?" she smiled as she opened his cell for the day.

"Meh," he answered as he lay on his bunk staring at the wall.

"You won't be locked up for the rest of your stay unless you give me a reason. That fair?"

"Sure."

Andrea felt like she was speaking to a completely different man from the night before and she wondered why.

"You OK?" she asked.

"I ain't been OK for my whole damn life."

Andrea walked in and sat on a chair next to the bed. She would rather have mouthy Merle than the passive version of Merle before her.

"Would you like to speak to someone?"

"Nope."

"Do you mind speaking to me?"

"Nope."

"Your lawyer will probably be coming to speak with you today, did you want some breakfast in the dining area?"

"Nah."

She sighed then and realized that he wasn't even looking at her when he spoke. It was likely the meds he was given, but also he appeared to be depressed. There was no diagnosis of mental illness in his file, but that didn't mean much. Merle didn't strike her as the type to seek help.

"Tell you what, you can stay here as long as you feel comfortable and I won't bother you, but I'd like to bring you some food and coffee. You don't have to eat it, but I'd like you to try."

"It's your world, boss."

"Shawshank Redemption," she grinned.

"Yeah!" he smiled back out of nowhere when she caught the movie reference.

"I hope you don't see me as that evil warden."

"Nah, you might be too nice if anything."

"I'll take it," she nodded.

Over in the kitchen of the facility, she decided to call in a favor.

"I need an ultimate man's breakfast."

"Oh yeah?" George smirked. "What do I get for it?"

She often had him make a special breakfast if a resident was down and it normally worked like a charm. A little bacon and sausage with eggs always seemed to help them settle in and start accepting some treatment. A little kindness could go a long way.

"You can have the first pick of holidays."

"You got it. How awesome does this breakfast have to be?"

"The best you ever made."

"Done," George winked.

/

Merle was still laying and looking at the wall half an hour later when the blonde walked back into his room and left a tray on his table without a word.

He lay there watching steam rising up from the tray as it carried the scent of bacon and fresh coffee to his nose. He had never received hot food in a facility before. Jail, juvie, and the hospital were all places where cold, inedible food was the name of the game.

He looked over at the open door and then got up to check out the plate. There was toast with butter, three soft-poached eggs, five sausages and a handful of bacon. Next to it was a small glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee and suddenly he wondered if the woman he injured had good food in the hospital, he knew it wouldn't be this good.

Merle couldn't resist eating the delicious food, but he felt guilty for how good it tasted all the while. He wondered if he'd be able to enjoy anything without guilt again.

/

Andrea collected his plate after her morning meeting with the other residents and asked him how he liked it.

"Better than I deserved. I never had a breakfast that good."

"I’m so glad you liked it," she smiled.

"Don’t you know what I did?" he asked. “You know that I left some poor woman in the hospital while I walked away without a scratch. How the hell is that even possible? It should be me in there.”

"I know what happened, Merle."

"Then why are you actin' like this?"

"Cause I want to. It's not my job to judge you; it's my job to help you with detox and send you off to court. There's no reason I can't be nice to you while I do that."

"Can you find anything out about the woman I hurt? I don’t remember a damn thing from that night."

"I don't know. I will try though, OK?"

"Thanks."

"I know this is going to sound strange but...it won't do you good to dwell too much on what happened, at least not right now. You have the rest of your life to process that, but you need to get better right now."

"I don't think I get any better than this," he sighed and lay back down. “When is the nurse coming back?”

“Tonight, when she’s finished at the hospital. You OK?”

“I feel jittery like I wanna climb the walls.”

She could see perspiration on his forehead, and his pupils were a little dilated. Whatever the nurse gave him the night before was wearing off so he’d need something to hold him over.

“She left you some Clonidine; I’ll go grab it.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t hesitate when you need something, just tell me right away.”

“The next few days are going to be just what I deserve…detox is hell.”

“You don’t deserve it, Merle.”

He suffered for most of the next three days before the withdrawal let up, and it pained her to watch it as it always did. Insomnia kept him up most nights, according to Maggie, and he slept until late in the morning. He had headaches, panic attacks, and general flu-like symptoms that she could tell he was trying not to complain about.

Eventually, the worst of it lifted enough that she could communicate a little more effectively and Andrea could see the real Merle underneath all the addiction.

/

Andrea kept trying, but Merle was depressed, and she wasn't sure how to help him. He refused to speak with anyone about his problems, and her attempts to help him were taken with a smile and a thank you, but that smile never lasted very long. The nurse arrived every day and treated him with medicine and a tertiary glance.

His lawyer spoke with him about his options and about pleading guilty to accept a deal from Phillip. Merle didn’t like the idea, and his lawyer spoke to Andrea about it on the way out.

“He’s not in a good state of mind to make decisions in his own best interest.”

“I know, Dale…he just won’t open up about anything.”

“If anyone can get him to, it will be you, Andrea. Don’t stop trying.”

“You know me, stubborn as the day is long,” she smiled.

Dale Horvath was the best public defender she had ever met, he genuinely cared about his clients, even if he was sorely overworked and underpaid. She still had a few weeks to convince Merle to take a deal, and she hoped he would start talking soon.

She decided to prompt Merle with a simple sticky note next to his bed. It was hard to even imagine what might work with a man like Merle but sticking to something simple seemed like the right way to go.

  
**_If you ever want to chat, my door is always open. All I have is music, a stash of chocolate in my desk, and conversation but you are always welcome. I’d love the company. Andrea._**

 

Sometimes all she could do was try and hope that it would work.

Andrea looked into what happened to the woman from the accident, but she didn't think it would be helpful for Merle to hear it. Her one main connection at the hospital was Dr. Lori Grimes, and she gave her only the information that the family had released on a gofundme page for her treatment since that was public, and it wasn’t great news. She would tell Merle if he asked again, she didn't lie when she didn't have to, but he hadn't mentioned it again in three days.

/

By the end of the first week, Andrea had seen multiple sides of Merle and felt sure that something was going on with his mental health beyond addiction. She could force him to talk to someone, it was within her brief to do so, but she wanted him to do it willingly. If he could use his time at her facility to get grounded and on his way to wellness then, he had every hope of reclaiming his life. She allowed him free range of the locked facility which included the lounge, kitchen, and shower areas. It also gave him access to the hallway outside her office.

There was only one other patient at the facility by then who arrived earlier that evening, and Andrea wasn't crazy about him, Gareth had no intentions of changing despite all of her best efforts. He had been there on two other occasions and fought authority tooth and nail. Gareth also had sociopathic tendencies that made him a dangerous person. George set him up in a locked cell for the first 24 hours until his therapist could see him and he was coming down from a bad high anyway, she didn't expect him to be lucid for another day or so. The hospital checked him out before he was sent over and said he was fit to rehabilitate but would be drowsy for most of the night.

/

Andrea was in the middle of a mountain of paperwork when she noticed Merle lingering around her door. Maggie was reviewing her schedule for nights again in the common area as she was just finishing up her reports for the day. Maggie was going to be a huge help once she got more comfortable with the way the place operated. Andrea had music playing as she often did while working and she listened to the words of the song as she rehearsed her own words for an invitation to Merle.

 

 _ **You think I'd leave your side, baby**_  
 _ **You know me better than that**_  
 _ **You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees**_  
 _ **I wouldn't do that**_  
 _ **I'll tell you you're right when you want**_  
 _ **And if only you could see into me**_  
  
_**Oh, when you're cold**_  
 _ **I'll be there**_  
 _ **Hold you tight to me**_  
  
_**When you're on the outside baby, and you can`t get in**_  
 _ **I will show you you're so much better than you know**_  
 _ **When you're lost, and you're alone, and you can't get back again**_  
 _ **I will find you, darling, and I will bring you home**_

__

"Hey there, trouble," she called the third time Merle paced past her door.

"Hey."

He looked up briefly and began walking again.

"Come have a seat, you're making me dizzy," she suggested.

Finally, her note had lured him.

He walked into her office cautiously like a stray cat invited into a home for the first time, looking as if he might be chased back out again at any moment. His eyes scanned the books on her shelf and a few paintings on the wall before taking a seat, having satisfied his curiosity.

"You sure are different these days," she noted.

"It's all starting to hit me now. I know I’m going to prison when I leave here."

"I think your lawyer is trying to get you a deal; I believe the DA would be open to it. Maybe you could meet with a therapist and have them speak to the judge on your behalf. They might consider a shorter sentence."

"Speak to the judge about what?"

"Extenuating circumstances...like abuse?"

Maybe she was treading on thin ice, but he only had three more weeks of mandatory treatment, and it would do him good to deal with his demons.

"That was when I was a kid, that ain't got nothin' to do with the man I am now."

"You don't think so?"

"How could it? It was years ago."

She couldn't believe that he didn’t see any connection, he didn't seem to think his childhood had any effect.

"Merle, what happened to you?"

"It ain't nice to talk about."

"Maybe that's why you should...you could share it with someone and get it out of your mind a little."

"I don't know anyone I hate enough to share it with."

"You should tell someone you trust, someone who cares about you."

"Nobody cares about me and nobody should."

"I care."

"After the way I talked to you? You’re certifiable."

"I can see that you're in pain and I want that to stop."

"You really wanna know?"

"Yes."

"Now?"

"I have all the time in the world," she smiled.

Merle didn’t know if he could trust her and he swore to himself so many times he wouldn’t have this conversation with anyone. Still, the way she leaned forward, her eyes pleading for him to unburden himself, made him weak. He was debating how she could use his past to hurt him, why was she demanding this information? Then she reached forward to touch his hand and said that he didn’t have to say a word if he was uncomfortable and that was all it took. She was being real with him; it was safe to tell his story.


	3. Opening Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merle has manic depression, like my mom, and in the beginning, before she was on a stable medication her mood would change very quickly and almost anything could trigger it. She is better now and has been for many years but I wanted to touch on how quickly everything can change in bipolar disorders.   
> Also, I am moving soon so I have to stick to once a week posting for a while until we get settled. Thanks for reading and being so awesome.   
> Also, also...this story gets darker before it gets lighter so please stick with me and remember that I LOVE Merle Dixon more than any other fictional character! xoxo

_**Slow Dancing in a Burning Room** _

_**Chapter Three - Opening Up** _

Merle sat on the couch in Andrea’s office and couldn't seem to focus his eyes anywhere in particular as he began to speak. He had never told anyone before, and he didn't want to sound like he was making excuses for who he was. It felt strange as he began to unburden himself like he was making a final confession.

“You won’t tell anyone what I tell you?” he asked.

“I’m obligated to keep anything you tell me confidential, but I would never say a word anyway. You can trust me.”

He shifted position and then, with a slow deep breath, he began.

"I got these marks on my back," he said. "My dad gave 'em to me when I was a kid...all kids used to get hit when I was little, but I think my dad liked it. The way he took off his belt, really slow…you could tell that he liked to make us wait. We both knew what was coming and that excited him. That belt left my back lookin' like hell...sometimes the lash marks would get infected, and my mom would use iodine. It hurt like a bitch, but she never tried to stop it."

"I'm so sorry," she said softly. "No child should have to live through that.”

"I lived, but now I’m left lookin’ the way I do. Damaged. I gotta hide it from everyone for the rest of my days, especially women.”

"Why specifically women?"

"They’ll think I’m weak. A weak man is no use to a woman."

"You were a child, Merle. Nobody would see that as weakness."

"I guess so. He used to tell me that all the time, so it got stuck in my head.”

“What did he tell you?”

“That I was weak and worthless. He said I’d be alone forever and I suppose he was right about that cause I have nobody in my life.”

“I’m so sorry, Merle.”

She looked like she was just about to cry and it didn’t make sense to him, she didn’t even know him.

“This is all ancient history anyway,” he shrugged.

"A woman who loves you wouldn't care about the scars, Merle."

"You're somethin' else," he chuckled.

"Why do you say that?"

"You ain't really seeing me at all, are you? I got nothing to offer a woman besides disappointment, I never did."

"You are way too hard on yourself. People who’ve been through things like you have often are."

Merle finally relaxed his posture and leaned back on the couch to get comfortable, and she knew he was going to open up.

"None of this is an excuse though cause my kid brother ain't like me; he grew up to be a good man."

"Maybe it was different for him; people deal with these things in their own way."

"He dealt with it the right way."

"Did he get beaten like you?" she asked.

"Sometimes, but I'd usually jump in and take it for him.”

“Why?”

“He was just little, what else could I do?”

“How did you take it for him?”

"He'd be catchin' hell for something, and I'd just make it about me if I was home. I'd start callin' the old man a fuckin' prick or something, and he'd forget all about Daryl."

"That's very selfless."

"I was his big brother; any brother would do the same."

"Was? Is he still..."

"Oh yeah, he's alive, but he's not really my brother anymore. He don't want anything to do with me now."

"Did he say that?"

"He doesn't pick up when I call anymore. I stopped trying a while ago."

"Maybe you could get some help, serve your time, and fix things up with him."

"I doubt it."

"Thank you for sharing this with me."

"Did you hear anything about the woman I hurt?"

Andrea sighed, she really didn't think it was helpful for him to know anything about her, but it also didn't feel right to keep it from him.

"Merle...I don't think it's helpful to you right now."

"Please."

"She needs dialysis for her kidneys. Eventually, she'll need a transplant."

"Jesus Christ!"

Merle got up then and paced the floor like a cornered dog.

"Merle...you can't change that now. You just need to focus on getting better."

"She could die! Who cares about my shitty childhood when I did something like this?"

"I’m sorry. I told you it wouldn't be good for you to know."

"I'm garbage! Useless fucking garbage! That's all I ever was. What the fuck did I do? Why the fuck am I even here?"

"Wait!"

Andrea had lost control and just needed him to stop; she needed him to breathe before it got even more out of hand, so she grabbed him and pulled him close.

There was a huge chance that he was going to explode and maybe even get violent, Andrea knew that, but she wasn't thinking straight. She could see how dramatic his mood swings were and would bet her house on him having some type of bipolar disorder. The moment she got her arms around him he froze, and she wondered what he'd do. He flinched once and tried to pull free from her grasp but then quickly gave up and surrendered to her touch.

"Just breathing hurts, Andrea...."

He was just whispering into her shoulder, and she knew he was going to cry.

"Just being alive hurts,” he added.

"I want to get you help…I want it to stop hurting for you, Merle.”

Andrea didn't let go for a good five minutes as a grown man wept into her shoulder and exorcised 38 years of agony. When he finally managed to get ahold of himself, he released her and backed away slowly.

"Am I a joke to you now?" he asked.

"Sometimes it takes more strength to cry."

"I never met anyone like you."

"How do you mean?" she smiled.

"Someone perfect...we're like opposites, you and me."

"No, we aren't. You're so much better than you can see…but I can see it."

Andrea was startled then by a shadow in her doorway and realized that she was late for meeting Phillip again.

"Damn it, Andrea. I've been sitting down there for 20 minutes now."

Merle recoiled at another man seeing him just after crying and swiftly got up to leave.

"Excuse me," he muttered.

"Merle, wait-"

"It's OK. Have a good night."

He wasn't even out the door when Phillip rolled his eyes and began to comment.

"Andrea's daycare never closes does it?"

"Hey, watch it!" she growled.

"Sorry, Andrea...it's just that you get obsessive with this stuff."

"This is important to me. You just don’t get that, do you? You can't talk like this around my patients. Go down to the car, and I'll meet you in 5 minutes."

"I'm getting tired of waiting for you already."

"Then don't wait, it's up to you."

Phillips sighed and said he'd be downstairs and stormed off like a child.

Andrea stopped by Merle's room to smooth things over before she left, and he was sitting on his bed in the dark.

"I'm a kid in your daycare?" he asked.

"I'm sorry about what he said, that's not how I feel at all. I'm so happy that we spoke tonight...I loved getting to know you better."

"You did?"

"Of course. I’ve been trying all week to have a conversation with you. Can we talk some more tomorrow?"

"Sure...I'd like that."

"I really want to help you if I can. You could be a whole new man in a year if you just let some people in. Friends?"

"Friends," he smiled.

“Are you feeling OK? I’ll stay if you still want to talk.”

“Your man is waiting on you,” he reminded her.

“I couldn’t care less about that man-child right now,” she insisted. “I can stay as long as you like.”

“I’m OK. We can talk tomorrow.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” he nodded with a little smile.

Andrea squeezed his hand then and leaned in to hug him before leaving for the night and for the next 10 minutes he was blissfully happy. He was happy until he heard a voice in the cell next to him. Gareth had an opinion to share, and he insisted on being heard.

/

"You're such an idiot," the voice began.

“What?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“If you’re here you’re probably an idiot too, so what of it?”

“Andrea is conning you good,” the voice chuckled.

"Fuck off; I'm trying to sleep," Merle growled.

Gareth was younger and cocky as hell; Merle wanted nothing to do with him. He had been briefly introduced to the punk only hours before and knew they would be like oil and water from the start.

"Do you really think she's your friend?"

"Of course not!" Merle shot back, but he did believe they were friends. He couldn't admit that to this asshole, though.

"Good. I thought you were fuckin' delusional over there. She don't give a fuck about you. I've been here before, and I know how she operates. She'll tell you all the shit you wanna hear so that you'll behave."

"Whatever. Just shut the fuck up and lemme sleep."

Merle sighed and rolled over on his bunk. A complete stranger was extinguishing the one light of happiness he'd had in years, and it brought him back down to Earth. Merle knew then he wouldn't be allowed to have any happiness again; he really didn't deserve it anyway. This was where the mood changed, where the dark, ominous cloud swept over him. The sadness that often hit him out of the blue was so oppressive that it made him need drugs just to avoid feeling it, but he had no drugs now. He was trapped in the emotion and the voice on the other side of the wall wouldn't stop.

"She sure is a nice piece of ass though, right?"

"Shut up!" Merle screamed through the walls.

"Hey! Keep it down in there, Gareth!"

Tony was stern and intimidating, a night orderly who didn't take bullshit, so Gareth shut his mouth, for a while, and then continued in a hushed whisper.

"Hey…I heard you killed a woman."

"She ain't dead. Andrea just told me she ain’t."

"Yeah, she is. Andrea's just fuckin' with you. Her whole family was in the hospital bawling their eyes out."

“Shut up," he growled. 

Merle was horrified at being lied to.

_Why hadn’t Andrea just told him if she was dead?_

_Was it because she believed he was weak?_

_Did she think he couldn’t handle the truth?_

_Maybe his father was right, maybe everyone saw him as weak._

"I just came from the hospital, and this city isn’t that big, news gets around.”

"Bullshit. She would have told me."

"Andrea is not your friend, man. She's pulling your strings."

"Fuck off!"

"Why don't you do the world a favor, pal?”

“What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

“Take a long jump off a short pier,” Gareth chuckled. “You shoulda heard them all blubbering and cursing you in the hallway. It was brutal.”

Merle couldn’t speak then, he just stared at the wall and let it all sink in. The voice on the other side was cruel but it felt like the truth to him in that moment.

“Hey…use your top sheet to make a noose and just do it, I bet the grating on the window would hold your weight," Gareth snickered.

“Why are you doing this?” Merle said so softly that he wasn’t sure if anyone heard it.

“I’m just fuckin’ with you, man. You a pussy or something?” Gareth scoffed. “So you killed a broad. So what? Shit happens every day. What do I care if you off yourself? Damn, I thought you were this big tough guy when I first saw you…pathetic.”

Merle looked down at the thin top sheet he was sitting on. Gareth was right; it would work. If the woman from the accident was badly injured, that was bad enough, but if she was dead, there was no going back. He had been waiting for something to push him over the edge and here it was. The mood swings, the addiction, the memories, the crushing guilt; he didn’t want any of it anymore. 

 


	4. Lost in the Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been so stressed and busy trying to get my house sold and buy a new one lately that giving this story the attention is needed/deserved was very hard. I am getting into it now and I'm on Ch.12 now that the stress is easing up.  
> Thanks for the patience, I may try to start posting two chapters a week now that things are less stressful.  
> This chapter is strange in places but it was very fun to write:)  
> Thanks for reading.  
> Teagan xoxo

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Four – Lost in the Dark _ **

 

"I just need to run back real quick; I forgot my case notes on my desk,” she sighed.

"God damn it, Andrea! You never leave that place behind!"

"It'll just take a minute."

"Forget it. I don't even wanna do this tonight."

"Don't be like this, Phillip!"

"Forget it. I'm taking off."

"Fine,” she huffed. “Just go then!”

"I will. Have fun babysitting those goofs like their fuckin' mommy."

Phillip pulled out of the parking lot then, screeching his tires and leaving her in a cloud of fine dust.

"Idiot," she grumbled.

Andrea got back up to the office and listened for any sounds on the ward; all was quiet. She hadn’t forgotten anything; she wanted to check on Merle when she remembered what an asshole Gareth could be to new guys in the facility. Gareth hadn’t been there for a good six months, so it hadn’t occurred to her right away that she should add some distance between them for Merle’s sake.

"Hey, Tony. I was just thinking of moving Gareth to the opposite wing from Merle. When he wakes up, he’ll be nothing but a pain in the ass for Merle, and he doesn’t need that right now.”

“He’s already awake,” Tony grumbled.

“Seriously? I thought he’d be out till tomorrow.”

“Nah, he was up talkin' shit to Merle already so I think you got the right idea about moving him.”

"What was he saying?"

"I don't know, but he was winding Merle up pretty good. Why?"

"Merle was in a pretty fragile state when I left...where's Maggie?"

"I'll get her; she's writing up the new schedule for therapy."

Something compelled Andrea to go and look in on Merle then; she just had a bad feeling about it. Her heels clicked in the empty corridor, and she got to Merle's door just in time to see his face begin to turn white.

"Tony!"

A cold chill flooded her veins as she yanked the door open and ran toward him leaning against the wall with a sheet tied around his throat.

"Merle! Why did you do this? God damn it!"

Tony took a pocket knife from his jacket and cut Merle down as his eyes were beginning to roll back in his head and he slumped to the ground.

"Call the ambulance!" she screamed as Maggie came to join them.

Merle wasn't speaking, and Andrea lay her head on his chest to see if his heart was still beating. There was a very faint pulse, but he wasn't breathing at all, so she began mouth to mouth as Tony held the line with 911.

"Is there a pulse?" he asked.

"Very faint."

"No chest compressions then, just give him a breath every 5-6 seconds," Tony instructed her via the 911 operator.

"Come on, Merle...come on...."

Andrea held his nostrils closed with his head tilted back and continued to give him breaths for what felt like forever.

"Check his pulse," she asked of Maggie.

"It's steady but not strong," Maggie answered.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Andrea. I thought it was OK. These guys squabble all the damn time at night...I didn't think-"

"It's not your fault," she assured him.

"Fuck! He better make it," Tony exclaimed. "I'll never forgive myself.”

"Hey, it's not your fault, Tony. I should have taken care of this before I left, and who could have known anyway. I thought Gareth was still crashed."

The paramedics arrived then and took over for her with real oxygen and asked how long he'd been hanging.

"A few minutes tops, his eyes were still moving."

In just a moment he was gone, and Andrea followed the ambulance to the hospital where she planned to wait all night for answers if that’s what it took.

 

#######################

**_Now I’m feeling guilty for it_ **

**_Didn’t wanna leave_ **

**_I got caught up in the forest_ **

**_hangin’ with the trees_ **

**_realized I’m less important_ **

**_than_ ** **_I thought I’d be_ **

**_I’m not telling you for any certain reason but_ **

**_I just want your empathy_ **

****

A song played softly in the distance, and he didn’t recognize it or where he was. Merle rolled over on a beach and felt a wave wash over his legs, wetting his jeans up to the knees. There were three full moons in the sky above him, and he smiled to himself as one illuminated globe began to reflect the face of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. The massive cat face observed him closely with emerald green eyes. The entire moon’s surface was cat face, with that sinister, all-knowing grin. It was terrifying and somehow beautiful all at once.

“Hello?” he called up toward it.

Merle recalled an Alice in Wonderland book he owned as a child then. Maybe that’s why the cat was there? Daryl colored in that book with his mother’s lipliner when he was 5, and Edgar Dixon lost it. Why his father cared about a child’s book, he never understood. It was likely just an excuse for violence like everything else in his young world.

**_~ Your Grandmother bought you that book! You ignorant little shit! Why did you do that, Merle?_ **

**_~ Don’t know, Sir. Just did._ **

And then he began to remove his belt.

Merle shook his head to chase away the memory as the cat answered him.

“Why are you here, wanderer?”

“Where am I?” he asked.

“Wonderland?”

“You don’t sound very sure,” Merle noted.

“Perhaps I am mad; perhaps you are too.”

“Maybe I am if I’m talking to you.”

Merle stood up then and realized that the three moons felt almost close enough to touch and that the ocean was moving away from him, making the beach even wider. He felt very small below the three moons and a billion stars of different colors like Christmas lights. He had received the Alice in Wonderland book for Christmas, so maybe that’s why he was seeing Christmas lights. His brain was desperate to make some sense of what he was seeing. He tried to spot a familiar constellation in the sky, but the stars were evenly spaced, multi-colored and artificial, much to his disappointment. Three paths were leading into a jungle surrounding the beach, and Merle felt a chill in the air. Maybe there was shelter down one of the paths.

“What road do I take?” he asked the cat moon.

“Where do you want to go?” the cat inquired.

“I don’t know.”

“Then,” said the cat, “it really doesn’t matter, does it?” 

Merle thought about it and figured that if a cat moon was in this world, maybe Andrea could be there too.

“I want Andrea,” he sighed.

Andrea was the only person who smiled at him; he wanted her close to him…so why had he run from life?

Then he remembered the woman he killed.

“The blonde lady?” asked the cat. “She is the one you seek?”

“That’s her. The beautiful blonde lady...the only person who liked me back in my world.”

“Down there, wanderer.”

The cat’s huge eyes moved toward a path, and the ground lit up as it wound its way into the trees.

“Thanks.”

“Do not come back this way, wanderer.”

“I don’t even know how I got here.”

“You let the madness win. We are all mad, but you can’t be only mad, you must balance it to avoid returning here. Find the blonde lady and don’t come back this way.”

“I’ll try not to.”

The cat moon closed its green eyes and began to purr, rumbling the ground softly beneath Merle’s feet.

He began down the path, his pant legs still wet from the ocean, and his eyes trying to focus on what lay ahead.

“Andrea?” he called out. “I wanna come back.”

The path grew dark, and suddenly he couldn’t see a damn thing, not the cat moon, not the ocean or the beach. Even the trees around him faded into blackness, and he felt scared as the Christmas light stars flickered and went out above him.

“I don’t wanna be here, Andrea…are you out there?”

 

                        #######################

 

 ** _Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways_**  
 ** _Oooh, wishing you were here_**  
 ** _Heaven knows and Lord it shows when I'm away_**  
 ** _Oooh, wishing you were here_**  
  
**_Same old show in a different town on another day_**  
 ** _Oooh, wishing you were here_**  
 ** _Even though you're far away, you're on my mind_**  
 ** _Oooh, wishing you were here_**

It was some old Chicago song on the radio, but the radio was just slightly between stations...Merle hated that sound and wished someone would fix it.

"Will he be OK?"

Merle could hear Andrea, and it made him happy right away, but he couldn't seem to open his eyes.

"There aren't any signs of permanent neurological damage yet. It'll probably be his mental health that needs the most tending to."

Merle didn't recognize the other female voice.

"Can he come back to the facility after his 72-hour hold?"

"Yes, but he has to see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and you need to keep him on suicide watch for the entire duration."

"That's no problem."

"He's very lucky you came back when you did, Andrea?"

"He's a special case...I can't believe he did this. He seemed OK when I left; I don't understand. I was talking with him about his childhood...I must have made him upset...I never meant to. I just wanted him to know that I care and that he could talk to me."

“You can’t blame yourself, Andy. We’re all just doing our best here.”

“I feel like I really fucked up,” she whimpered. “He wasn’t ready to share it…I failed him.”

He could hear Andrea crying then as the other woman comforted her and he hated that. He remembered trying to kill himself as she spoke, and he couldn't allow her to think it was her fault.

"Andrea...."

His eyes opened to a dim and depressing hospital room. Andrea was standing over him looking excited to see him awake. His voice was scratchier than usual, and he recalled the top sheet digging into his throat as he slumped against the wall.

"Merle!"

"You..."

He began to cough then, and the other woman, who he could see now was a doctor came to help him by raising the head of the bed slightly.

"Take it easy, Mr. Dixon. I’m Dr. Grimes here at Davidson Memorial…welcome back.”

A pretty woman with long dark hair bent over him and pulled a small flashlight from the top pocket of her white lab coat.

“Thanks-”

He began to cough again as she shined a bright light directly at his eyes to check the pupils. His throat and neck muscles throbbed badly, which made complete sense.

“Your voice is going to be hoarse for quite a while; your larynx is badly bruised,” she said. “If you need to communicate, I recommend writing it down when you feel better."

Dr. Grimes came closer and checked his blood pressure, listened to his heart and lungs with her stethoscope, and then took his pulse before he could process what was happening.

“Should I leave?” Andrea asked.

"Don’t go…paper," he insisted, and Andrea grabbed him some from the side table as the doctor began to fill in his chart.

"Are you two OK in here for a few minutes?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, thank you."

“Take it easy, Mr. Dixon. I’ll be back as soon as your visit is over to discuss everything further.”

“OK,” he nodded.

The doctor left him with Andrea, and he felt embarrassed by what he had done, and even more guilty than before. Now he had also hurt the one person who showed him kindness.

Andrea moved the bed into an upright position so that he could write on the tray table over the bed. Merle took the paper, and a pen from her and his shaking hand wrote the most important words.

**_~ It's not your fault. I'm sorry._ **

 She sighed and looked deep into his eyes, as they began a half written and half spoken conversation that cemented a few things for Merle.

"I thought you were OK when I left," she began.

**_~ That guy just got to me, it wasn't you_ **

"Gareth?"  
**_~ Yeah_**

"What did he say to you?"

**_~ I killed that woman. Why didn't you tell me?_ **

"She isn't dead, Merle. I would have told you that."

**_~ You aren't just saying that?_ **

"No, Merle. I wouldn't lie to you about anything so serious. She's alive in this very hospital as we speak."

Merle just sighed then, he was relieved, but it still didn't make his guilt go away.

**_~ Why would he tell me that?_ **

“Gareth might be the only man I’ve met who is beyond hope.  He’s sociopathic. He should have never been next to you, but I thought he was going to be out of it until morning.”

**_~ It fucked with my head_ **

"I’m so sorry. You're going to be here for a few days for a psych assessment, and then you'll be back with me...under suicide watch until court."

**_~ OK_ **

"Do you see that you need help now?"

**_~ Yes_ **

"Can I bring you anything for your hospital stay? Magazines, clothing, anything at all."

**_~ I'm OK_ **

"I'm sorry if I pushed you to talk about things that upset you."

**_~ that part was good, I just couldn't take what that guy said. I get so high sometimes and then really low, and it happens so fast, it's scary._ **

"That sounds like bipolar disorder, but I'm not a psychiatrist."

**_~ what do they do for that?_ **

"There are medications you can take that regulate your moods so that the highs and lows aren't as extreme, and therapy helps a lot too."

**_~ sounds good._ **

"Merle...I know it's hard to believe me now, but the world has a lot of beautiful things waiting for you, I can see it. You have to be here for those things though, please don't check out before the world has a chance to brighten for you."

**_~ I'm sorry_ **

"Don't be sorry; it's time to start the journey to forgiving yourself."

**_~ I’m sorry for what I did_ **

"I know you are, but I need you to just place that on another shelf until you feel stronger after you speak to a proper psychiatrist and get help."

**_~ OK_ **

Andrea stayed with him for another hour but insisted that he stop writing and rest. She put some music on her phone for background noise and just held his hand in hers. Merle could hardly remember the decision to go through with hanging himself; he only remembered being so tired of the pain. He wasn't able to see an end to it in the heat of the moment; death felt like the only way out. 

At that moment, though, holding her hand, he was very glad to be alive. Maybe she was right; maybe life had more waiting for him. He needed to learn to live with the guilt though, and maybe a real doctor could help him with that. He wasn’t in any hurry to visit the cat moon on the beach again.

 


	5. The Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am the type of writer who tends to hone in on the main plot, characters, and events. There are other residents at the facility where Andrea works and I could have expanded that (you could even argue that I should have) but I really just like to focus on what's most important to the story. There are other side characters later on that get more attention and that's because they are relevant to the story. Writing a bunch of randos at the facility just felt like wasted time. Just in case anyone was wondering.  
> Again, this is a slow burn and I promise it will be worth it. Later on, it gets very...forbidden and romantic;)

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Five – The Light    _ **

 

Merle was moved to the psychiatric ward where he was introduced to Dr. Evans the next day. Michonne Evans was a beautiful woman with a warm smile and a sweet disposition. He could tell she was the kind of woman who just knew everything. Her walls were covered with diplomas, certificates, and awards.

"You're facing some serious charges, Mr. Dixon.”

“Yes.”

“Did that contribute to your decision to attempt suicide?" she asked.

"I was told that the victim died. I couldn't take it."

"Andrea says that's not true."

"Yeah, I know that now...I don't know why I fell for it."

"I don't know why anyone would say that just to push you," she noted.

"Me neither. Kinda sick if you ask me, but maybe I ain't the one to judge after what I did."

"It says here that you suffered abuse at the hands of your father."

Merle knew he had to do this if he had a prayer of freedom again. He had to play ball, but he didn't know this woman and trusting was hard.

"It was bad at home."

"Physical abuse alone or sexual as well?"

Merle frowned at the thought of it. Did he look like the kind of guy who'd been molested? What did a guy like that even look like?

"Nothing sexual," he answered.

"Does that question upset you?"

"Just wondering why you asked."

"I'm just trying to determine what you've been through in life. I want to know what led you here. Would you prefer just to tell me?"

"There ain't so much to tell really. My dad beat the hell outta me a lot. I never did well in school. I got into drinking and drugs and screwed around a lot as a younger man. I think maybe I might have something else wrong with my mind though...Andrea, I mean Miss Harrison, thinks it's some kind of bipolar mood thing."

"What kind of symptoms do you have?"

"I get really up sometimes…like the whole world is fuckin' rainbows sometimes. I'll be up at dawn, hyper as hell, and then there are days I don't even wanna move. Some days it's so damn dark that I don't eat or anything."

“How long has it been this way for you, Merle?”

“It’s always kinda been like that, since my late teens at least.”

/

As it turned out, Merle was mentally ill and hadn't even known it. By the time he returned to the Davidson Regional Detox Facility, he was already taking a prescription to help stabilize his moods.

Andrea welcomed him at the back door where she first met him, and he looked better already.

"I'm sorry, but things have to be a little different now. You’re on court-ordered suicide watch," she said.

"It's OK."

"There's a camera in your new room, and we have to check on you every hour."

Merle nodded and followed her to his new room and passed Gareth's door.

"Prick," he muttered.

Andrea sat down in the chair in the corner and watched him unpacking his few pieces of clothing.

"You scared me," she said, and he stopped in his tracks.

"How do you mean?"

"I thought you were going to die, Merle."

"That scared you?"

"Of course!" she insisted.

"Shit! I didn't even think of that! I could have gotten you in trouble, hey?"

Andrea stood up in frustration and paced the floor, trying to see it from his side. Had nobody ever cared for him before? She took him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye long enough to really capture his attention.

"I couldn't care less about getting in trouble. I care about you. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you."

"...I didn't know that."

"Please let me help you, let all of the professionals around here help you. You're probably going to serve some time for what happened, but this doesn't have to bring you down forever. There's light at the end of this tunnel."

"You were right about me; I got that mental illness thing."

"So does one of my best friends from high school and she's happily married with kids. When you let people in to help you, it doesn't have to be the end."

"I wanna get better," he said finally.

"That's good to hear."

"I wanna see if I can help the woman I hurt."

"How?"

"Maybe I could give her my kidney."

"What?"

"I need to know if I can do it...I know it's a long shot. Could you help me find out?"

Andrea was a little stunned, she wouldn't know the first place to start, and the idea of approaching the victim or her family when she was suffering seemed out of the question. Still, she had to try.

"I'll do everything I can. I promise."

"Thanks a lot."

"It's a big surgery, are you sure that you-"

"Positive."

"OK. I'll ask Lori how we go about looking into this right away."

"I gotta make my life worth something now I got a second chance," he smiled.

"Your life was always worth something. Remember that."

“I got an old motorcycle in storage. It was the one thing I held onto when I was selling blood for drugs,” he said, and she clearly wasn’t sure what he was suggesting, so he explained. “If you could get it sold for me then the money could go to her gofundme thing.”

“You’re a good man, Merle.”

“Not yet, but I’m gonna work on it.”

“What kind of bike is it? I can put an ad online if you want?”

“It’s an older Triumph, but she purrs like a kitten. That bike is my baby,” he grinned.

“Are you sure you want to sell it then?”

“I can always get another bike. Right?”

“Right.”

Andrea loved that he was thinking ahead with a sense of hope, it appeared that he was a fortunate one who had found the best medication right off the hop. Many people had to try a variety of drugs before finding one that helped. 

She stayed for a while to chat before being called away for another resident, but first Merle asked a very typically male question, a question that made her feel like he might just be on the mend.

"Is someone gonna be watchin' on that thing all night?" he asked, pointing up to the camera in the corner.

"Pretty much, I'm afraid."

"Oh."

"You can have a few minutes alone in the shower before bed if you like," she winked. "Just promise me, you won't do anything stupid."

"I won't, I promise. I think I got a reason to live now."

“Whatever reason you have, hold onto it tight,” she smiled.

“I will.”

/

Andrea felt a strange sense of calm wash over her just to have him back at the facility. She watched him walk down the hall to the showers half an hour later with just a towel around his waist and wished she could erase the scars for him. Merle was a walking contradiction, and she was fascinated. He was so strong and yet so damaged; he was flawed but so capable of redemption. He was drawing her closer without even realizing it, and she couldn’t resist the magnetism.

 


	6. Making Amends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is a slow burner so settle in if you're coming along on this love train. lol  
> You know me;) it will get there and I'm not normally a fan of a slow growing relationship but this one just came out this way. Thanks for reading!

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Six - Making Amends     _ **

Merle didn’t feel like the same man who walked into Andrea’s facility only a week and a half before and that was a good thing. Having just one person who cared if he lived or died was more than he expected from life.

He was watched all night and couldn’t help looking up at the ‘eye in the sky’ wondering if someone was looking at him right that second. Maggie was on nights, and she was kind to him, but she wasn’t quite like Andrea. Andrea was like nobody he’d ever met. He wanted desperately to know if she treated everyone the way she treated him. He wanted to believe that the way she smiled at him was special.

“Hey, Merle,” she said suddenly, startling him out of his thoughts as he sat on his bed alone.

“I didn’t even hear you come in,” he noted as she walked in and handed him a coffee from Starbucks.

“I’m sneaky,” she laughed. “Hope you like mocha. How are you feeling this morning?”

“I feel OK,” he smiled. “Do you think maybe I could find a computer to use though…I wanna look something up.”

“Oh yeah? You can use mine any time you want. What are you researching?” she asked.

“I want to look into that kidney thing a little more.”

“Go for it,” she smiled.

“Andrea?”

“Yeah?”

“The guy I was when I first got here…that ain’t really me.”

“I know that,” she smiled.

“How?”

“I could just tell, even that first night…and I was right, cause look at you now. This is the real you, isn’t it?”

“I think so.”

Andrea led him to her office where she cleared an area for him to work and reminded him that he had therapy with Michonne later that day. She opened the top drawer of her desk and scooped out a handful of Halloween sized chocolate bars and began to unwrap a tiny KitKat before leaving the rest in front of Merle.

“How did therapy go with her anyway?” she asked.

“Pretty good actually. There was a time, only days ago really, when I swore I’d never let anyone in…you changed that for me.”

“I’m glad to hear it; things are gonna get so much better for you if you accept the help. We all need help sometimes. I’ve been to therapy myself.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah, in college I went regularly, and I still go back once in a while to clear things up.”

“Do you have a mental illness too?” he asked.

“I had an eating disorder and depression for years. Any time that I feel myself getting off track, I go back and talk it out. There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it,” she smiled.

“I never would have thought you needed help…you seem so together,” he said.

“I am together because I get the help when I need it,” she grinned.

“Ah ha,” he winked.

“See? You just had an Oprah ‘Ah hah!” moment!”

“You got me,” he laughed.

“You have the best smile ever. Do you know that?” she said, and he tried his best not to blush.

Andrea needed to call Dr. Grimes to ask a few questions about transplant surgery before Merle got his hopes up too high. The last thing he needed then was disappointment.

“I just have to make a quick call. Will you be good for a minute here alone?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m good,” he smiled as he typed.

“Eat some chocolate before I eat it all,” she pleaded and then grabbed another Kit Kat on her way out to the hall.

Andrea closed her office door and paced the hallway just outside as she dialed Lori Grimes’ cell number. They were close, in a professional way, and she prayed that she could get some useful information from her regarding Merle’s issue.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Lori. How’s your day?”

“Rushed as per usual,” she laughed. “What can I do for you?”

“It’s about Merle.”

“How is he doing?”

“Better, but he’s wondering about the woman that he injured. He wants to know if he could be the kidney donor for her.

 “It’s not likely, Andrea.”

“Why not?”

“So many things have to be compatible: blood type, tissue typing, and cross-matching and he’d have to have kidney function testing too. It’s a long process, and none of that matters of the blood type won’t work.”

“What’s the blood type?” she asked.

It was the first step, and if that didn’t match, she could tell Merle to put it to rest.

“O negative,” Lori answered.

Andrea had looked over his medical files earlier when she was searching for a mental health diagnosis and happened to remember his blood type from the documents.

“He’s O negative too.”

“Well, the Rhesus factor isn’t important, but O is the type we would need. It’s the first step anyway.”

“Rhesus factor?”

“The positive or negative of the blood isn’t important but O people can only receive from O donors, and your guy is a match there. This all has to be discussed with the family though, and I don’t know how to bring it up legally speaking…maybe your guy could write a letter, and have it transferred between lawyers?”

“That’s a great idea, thanks a lot, Lori.”

“No problem, message me if you need anything else. This woman is a ray of sunshine, and I’d love to see her get this transplant sooner than later.”

/

**_Now I told you so you ought to know_ **   
**_It takes some time for a feelin' to grow_ **   
**_but you're so close now I can't let you go, and I can't let go_ **

**_With you I'm not shy, to show the way I feel_ **   
**_With you I might try, my secrets to reveal_ **   
**_For you are a magnet and I am steel_ **

****

Merle was sat at her computer as she walked in, typing with two fingers and singing along to a song from her playlist on the computer. This man had tried to kill himself only days before, and here he was singing a 70s love song to himself like he didn’t have a care in the world. She hated mental illness then with every fiber of her being. Merle didn’t want to die, but his mind had told him it was the only way, and he was helpless against that message only a few nights before.

“Found some music you like?” she asked softly to announce her presence.

“Jesus!” he yelped, mid-verse and grabbed his chest.

“I’m sorry, I was trying not to startle you.”

“It’s OK,” he said, looking back at her then. “I forgot how much I love this song.”

“It’s a good one. Ever heard the Lindsey Buckingham and Matthew Sweet version?”

“Nope. Lindsey Buckingham could rock this song though. Didn’t Stevie Nicks sing on the original?”

“Now you are my kind of man,” she grinned. “You know your music!”

She could swear that he was blushing, and it hit her then how different he was from the man who came ranting and raving into her life when they first met.

Andrea mentioned that the blood types matched but told him there was other testing that needed to be completed, so he shouldn’t get too invested yet.

“There’s hope though, right?” he asked.

“There’s always hope. Always.”

Andrea explained to him that the best route was to write a letter to the woman he injured, asking if he could join forces with her in pursuing the transplant.

“I don’t know her name,” he said as he began to imagine what he might say to this nameless woman.

“I don’t know it either,” she shrugged. “I think Lori was even pushing it by telling me her blood type. Thankfully we know about her medical information from the Gofundme or we wouldn’t even know she needed this transplant. Medical information is very private stuff.”

“Can I get a piece of paper to write the letter?”

“Of course you can…I think it’s very brave of you to do this, Merle.”

“I owe this to her; I just hope I can help. There needs to be a reason you came back when you did.”

“This is all icing on the cake if it happens. The only reason I came to check on you was because I care, not so you could pay off a debt to anyone. I only came back for you.”

“I’m so glad you did…I didn’t know it could get better, but it already has.”

“It’s going to keep getting better, remember that,” she smiled.

“I will.”

Andrea reached for his hand, and she could tell that he was feeling it too, there was a beautiful closeness between them. The way she felt when she was next to him was so familiar, and she knew she’d miss him when he left. She also knew that the way she was feeling was no longer entirely professional. He looked down at her hand touching his own and then closed his eyes for a moment.

“Wish I could stay. I can’t believe I had to fuck up this bad to find the one person who cares about me; it doesn’t make sense.”

“Life rarely does make sense, but either way, I’m here for you.”

He squeezed her hand then, and she knew she was in trouble.

“I never held a girl’s hand before,” he said.

“Never?”

“I never knew how to get close to anyone like this…I wish I met you before everything went bad.”

“Me too, but I’m here now. Just have faith that it’s going to be worth it. One day you’re going to turn around and not recognize your life,” she grinned.

Merle loved how hopeful she always sounded. Andrea could tell him that he was going to be the president in a week and he’d believe it coming from her. Her enthusiasm was genuine and beautiful to a man in his position; she was just what he needed.

Andrea’s office was a safe space of kind words, gentle touches, laughter, and the thrill of just being with her and the music; there was always music, and it became the soundtrack of his happiest moments in life so far…

 _ **And the bittersweet**_  
 _ **Of every new defeat**_  
 _ **Is I'm stronger than before**_  
 _ **Maybe on my knees**_  
 _ **But I still believe**_  
 _ **These broken wings will soar**_  
  
_**Untie my silhouette**_  
 _ **It's all that is left**_  
 _ **Of a broken heart**_  
 _ **Leave all of my regrets**_  
 _ **To sink like shipwrecks**_  
 _ **Through oceans dark**_  
  
_**In the dust, I wrote my name**_  
 _ **And from the ruins hopes were raised**_  
 _ **Cause all that's lost can be replaced**_  
 _ **In time**_

__

 


	7. Reaching Out

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter 7 – Reaching Out           _ **

**_Ma’am,_ **

**_I’m the last person you want to hear from; I’m sure of that. I am the man who hurt you. I walked away from my own stupidity unharmed, and I am so sorry for that. I’m sorry that I hurt you and I won’t ever forgive myself. There’s no excuse for what I did; I don’t believe that anything in my childhood makes what happened to you OK. I was just selfish and stupid._ **

**_I think about you often, and I wish nothing but the very best for you after what I did. Being in the hospital must be very hard, and I hope you are home with your family soon._ **

**_I understand that you have kidney problems now thanks to me (I learned about this from the public gofundme page…I didn’t seek out your private information). I just wanted you to know that if I am a match, I would give you my kidney in a heartbeat. I would do anything you asked of me. You may not want anything to do with me, and I respect that, but I want you to know that the offer is always there. I am trying to change and become a better person. I’m not saying this so that you’ll forgive me, just so that you know I’m trying to be better and not hurt anyone else ever again._ **

**_I am also not taking any deals for early release, even though one was offered to me, I don’t deserve that. I want to pay for what I did to you and your family. I don’t think prison is adequate for the pain and suffering I caused, but it’s the best I can do to make amends._ **

**_I want to help if there’s any way that I can so I’m selling the one thing I have of value (my bike) to contribute to your gofundme, and I hope it will help a little. There won’t ever be a day I don’t think of what I did and how I affected your life._ **

**_Please just tell the DA if you never want to hear from me again, the last thing I want is to bother you._ **

**_Merle Dixon_ **

****

“Can you make sure it gets to her lawyer?” he asked.

“Of course.”

The letter was sealed, and Andrea almost wished he had let her read it, but she understood that it must be very personal.

“I bet that was hard to write.”

“I just hope she won’t be too angry that I contacted her. I only want her to know that I’m sorry and make the offer to her. I don’t expect her to forgive me or anything.”

“I think you may find that people are more into forgiveness than you thought.”

“I don’t know about that, but it still feels good that I wrote it.”

“You should be very proud. After everything you’ve been through lately, it’s incredible that you’re taking a step like this.”

“What if she never answers? What if she does answer and all I did was make it worse?”

“No matter what happens, you did the right thing. How she responds or doesn’t respond is up to her, but you need to remember that this was a very brave and honorable thing to do.”

“Well…”

Merle didn’t know how to answer, he was flattered, and it wasn’t a feeling he was used to.

/

**_Our love is dark thoughts as it is bright lights_ **  
**_It's the sound of a teardrop falling down from a great height_ **  
**_So don't let go, let waters flow_ **

**_And babe, you have nothing to fear for_ **  
**_This is as real as the rain_ **  
**_My love for you is as deep as a coalmine_ **

****

Later that week when he was finished with therapy, Andrea invited him into her office to chat. She did this often, and he couldn’t help noticing that she didn’t ask anyone else to join her. It would be easy to presume that it meant something if he was foolish, but he knew she was seeing the district attorney and that he was a man about to go to prison. Still, it felt nice to be welcomed into her world while he was there.

Andrea’s office was always cozy, filled with music, chocolate, and good conversation. She played a wide variety of music as they talked about everything from world history to action movies. Andrea listened when he spoke and laughed easily at his attempts to be funny. Sitting on the couch in her office watching her type and eat little pieces of chocolate were moments he never expected from life.

“I wonder what prison will be like?” he asked.

“Have you taken that deal yet?”

“I don’t want that, and I promised the victim I wouldn’t take a deal.”

“Merle-”

“It’s OK. I don’t have anything on the outside waiting for me, and maybe I can actually get my shit straight behind bars.”

“They do have counseling there, and you will get all your meds, but don’t think nothing is waiting for you on the outside.”

“No?” he smiled.

He knew he could depend on her to say something kind; she was always making him feel good.

“I’ll be waiting for you. You better come to see me the day you get out, or I’m gonna be pissed.”

“I will never understand you, Andrea, but I love the confusion.”

/

When a letter arrived three days later, Andrea was stunned. She wasn’t sure if Merle would get an answer at all, never mind so quickly. Phillip brought it by after his lunch break, and she stopped to chat with him for a while. Phillip was handsome and successful, but she knew it wouldn’t work and he seemed to accept that as well. She had called it quits a few nights before, and he took it remarkably well.

“You were right when you said we make better friends,” he said. “You’re too sweet to ever be with a shark like me.”

“I am a softy,” she winked. “You got me there. Still friends?”

“Yeah…I do respect how much you care about these people, but I don’t get it,” he sighed.

“I know,” she smiled. “The world needs both sharks and softies though, right?”

“True. I wonder what this letter says…I was about to steam it open.”

“I’m afraid to give it to him in case it’s harsh…I don’t want to trigger him.”

“Talk to him first,” Phillip suggested.

“I will.”

“I better head out, I’m meeting a new paralegal at the office,” he winked.

“You don’t even let the paint dry,” Andrea chuckled.

“Nope. It’s the shark in me. See ya later.”

/

Andrea walked down the hall to the lounge area where Merle was playing cards with a woman who was admitted after a DUI as well. Tessa was only 26 and had crashed her friend’s car into a guardrail on the highway two nights before. Merle could see her suffering and tried to keep her busy.

“Merle?”

“Yeah?”

“I have a letter for you…from the hospital.”

“Oh.”

He asked the woman to hold their game for a moment, and she nodded agreeably before crashing on the couch to watch TV. Tessa was still in the early days, trembling and on the verge of tears all day long.

Back in Andrea’s office, she was about to hand over the letter when she decided to preface it with some words of warning.

“If this letter is hard to read, I’m worried that it could set you back.”

“So what do I do?” he asked.

“Would you trust me to look at it first?”

“OK.”

“If it’s really negative, I’d just like you to wait to read it until you’re feeling stronger.”

“Maybe that is the best thing,” he admitted.

Andrea opened the letter, and her eyes scanned it for the general tone, a smile spreading across her lips.

“Is it OK?” he asked. “Read it to me.”

Andrea grinned at him and cleared her throat before beginning.

 

**_Hello, Merle._ **

**_My name is Jacqui; I am the woman from the accident. I was very moved by your letter, and I appreciate that you understand how hard it is for me to be in the hospital away from my family. I am going home soon but I will need dialysis, and that will be a hardship for me._ **

**_It sounds to me like you are genuinely sorry for what happened and that makes me happy, mainly because I don’t believe you would ever make these choices again. Preventing this from happening again is the most important thing now. I am a woman of God (not a bible thumper or anything), and I do believe that it’s not only the right thing to forgive you, but it’s necessary for you to forgive yourself as well. If you carry the burden of this all your life, it will become too heavy. People carrying that kind of burden are more prone to making mistakes like what happened in the first place._ **

**_I forgive you, Merle._ **

**_All I ask is that you take what happened and use this experience to make better choices for yourself and those around you. We are all in this world together for a reason; we are meant to help one another._ **

**_In regards to your kidney, I would happily accept it if you are compatible, but only if it’s coming from a place of love and not guilt. It’s a very serious and complex surgery so I don’t want you to go into the process believing that it’s the only way you can be absolved. You are already absolved. Don’t carry this with you everywhere you go._ **

**_Take care of yourself, Mr. Dixon. I’ll be praying for you._ **

**_Jacqui Davis_ **

**_p.s. It’s not important to me that you are in prison for a particular period of time. What matters is that this won’t happen again, so take a deal if that’s the right thing for you._ **

 

There was silence in Andrea’s office, and he just shook his head slowly as his eyes welled up with tears. Andrea handed him the letter, and she could see the confusion in his eyes. It was clear that this was the last thing he ever expected.

“How?” he asked, the letter laying in his hands like a moon rock, something completely foreign and intangible.

“This is part of that light I was talking about,” Andrea smiled, and she reached out to squeeze his arm.

That one touch on his arm morphed slowly and naturally into a hug that left him beguiled. She moved her face so that he could feel her lips and breath on his neck and his heart flooded with adrenaline. Andrea made him crazy in every way. His hands rested on her back, and her hair was mere inches from his face…she was everything good in the world to him. Andrea was comfort, acceptance, laughter, desire, and love; she was all things good.

 


	8. Being With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The very slow build in this story is not intentional but I am enjoying it. A solid relationship is forming between them and by the time it gets there (and you know it will!) it's pretty different for me. I am not the type to write things in an overly wordy way, I tend to get right to the point but for this story, it just feels right to let it take its time. I don't plan things when I write, I have a very basic idea and I just write. This story wants to be a slow burn so I'm letting it do that. lol  
> Thanks for reading! Please stay with me on this one:) I'll make it worth the wait, I promise.  
> xoxo Teagan  
> POSTING CHAPTER NINE TODAY TOO...RIGHT AWAY

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Eight – Being with You _ **

 

"Are you OK?”

Andrea realized that she was staring off into space when George spoke to her.

“I think so.”

“Been a rough couple of weeks, huh?”

He always understood when it was getting to be too much and never failed to pull her aside for a chat. In so many ways, George was her best friend. She knew she could tell him anything, but she didn’t know how to talk about Merle. Something about him was really starting to get to her, she liked him very much, but he was going to prison.

“Merle won’t take a deal,” she sighed.

“It’s up to him, you tried.”

“I guess so.”

“Andrea?”

“What?”

“Do you…”

“What?”

“Are you into him or something?”

“Of course not!” she laughed. “He’s a patient, George. That would be so unprofessional. Not to mention that he’s going to prison. I’d have to be nuts to let myself catch feelings in a situation like this.”

“That’s true, but the questions still stands,” he chuckled.

“Hush up,” she sighed, laying her head in her hands to surrender the fantasy.

She knew he could see through her, he always could. Andrea wasn’t sure exactly what she was feeling for Merle, but he certainly wasn’t just another patient. She worried for him in a different way, and the fact that he was going to prison killed her.

“George…”             

“I won’t say a word; you know that.”

“I don’t know what I feel…there’s just something there, and I can’t explain it.”

“Just be careful with your heart, hun.”

“I will. Am I losing it?” she asked.

“Maybe,” he teased.

“You don’t know anyone who rides motorcycles, do you?”

“I did back in the day. Why?”

“You did? I had no idea. Merle wants to sell one he has so that the money can go to the victim’s gofundme.”

“What kind?”

“A Triumph? No idea what year or anything but he says it’s worth at least a couple grand cause it runs really well.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, the wife said that now the kids are off to college I could ride again. I think she misses riding on the back,” he winked.

/

Time passed slowly in the purgatory of rehab, and three days later Merle and Tessa were still getting along like old friends, leaving Andrea feeling some kind of way. He had only just gone through the worst of detox, that’s why they were talking so often. Surely that’s all it was. Andrea kept telling herself to stop being silly as the day was drawing to a close, but she couldn’t help staring at them through the window of her office.

/

“Hey.”

She turned to see Merle standing in her office doorway later that day.

“Hey.”

“Tony said he wants to see you about verifying a guest for Tessa?”

“Now?”

“I guess this dude didn’t know when visiting hours are,” he shrugged.

Andrea walked to the back door to see who it was and explained to Tessa’s boyfriend that he’d have to come back in the morning to see her. Apparently, she had a boyfriend.

When she got back in her office, Merle was sat on her couch eating a KitKat and listening to the music she had playing.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked.

“No, of course not. Why do you ask?”

“You’ve just been so quiet and staying in here more?”

“You were busy with Tessa…I guess I just wanted to give you some space,” she explained.

Andrea felt like a silly jealous girlfriend then and bit her lip with embarrassment.

“Tessa’s having a hard time. I convinced her to reach out to her boyfriend cause she says he’s a good guy…she just doesn’t want to drag him down with her problems, so she was avoiding his calls.”

“Paying it forward already?” Andrea smiled.

“Trying to.”

They ate more chocolate, drank some coffee and she felt like it was just them again, she was happy. Andrea knew that it would be hard when he left, and she couldn’t help focusing on the amount of time he’d be serving.

“Phillip says that deal still stands…and I know Dr. Evans would be willing to speak on your behalf.”

“What about Jacqui?”

“She said herself that it’s not important to her, Merle. You could be out in a year with time served for detox with this deal.”

“What do you think?”

“I’d like to see you out sooner than later. I think you could do so much good in the world.”

“You’re too sweet,” he blushed. “Maybe I will take it then.”

“You should. If you can donate your kidney, it’ll be a lot easier without you being incarcerated.”

“I didn’t even think of that!” he exclaimed. “You’re right.”

“Your lawyer is just a phone call away,” she hinted.

“I guess I’ll make the call in the morning,” he said.

They chatted for another hour, and by the time he went off to meet with the nurse before bed, Andrea was even more confused about her feelings.

/

“Your neck is looking better,” the nurse smiled. “How are you feeling with the new meds?”

“Nothing feels out of wack like it used to. I think this is more like normal if that makes sense.”

“It does,” she agreed. “Emotions get strong at times, but it should never feel unbearable or beyond your control. If it gets that way again, you need to speak up.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

She checked him over, waited while he took his meds for detox and then got up to leave him for the evening.

“Take it easy, handsome,” she smiled and then she was gone.

Handsome?

Merle stood up when the nurse was gone and slowly undressed before the mirror on the wall, he focused on his own face and tried to decide if the nurse was teasing him…but maybe she wasn’t. His body felt old from abusing drugs and alcohol, and his face looked tired most days. He could remember a time that it was very hard to look in the mirror, all he could see was pain and disappointment for years. Now he saw a man in a state of repair…maybe a woman would be able to want him someday though, anything was possible.

Merle stood there for a moment completely naked and just looked at himself, the man before him had to become his new best friend. The new medication had helped him to see that his mind and body weren’t separate entities after all. He reached his hand out to touch the glass for a second and then closed his eyes.

If the nurse meant it when she called him handsome, maybe Andrea could see him that way too.

/

His back was so strong; she could see the musculature of his body as he pulled his shirt over his head and dropped his pants to the ground. Merle’s body held her transfixed as she stood in her office staring at the screen. He was stunning. Andrea couldn’t touch him; it was far beyond unprofessional…but she was thinking about it now. There was no denying it now.

She had intended to look away as soon as it dawned on her that he was taking off his clothes, but she couldn’t make herself do it. He tossed his clothing in the basket by the door and stood naked before the mirror looking at his own face. She could tell from his casual demeanour that he had no idea anyone was watching, he had clearly forgotten about the camera. He was just naked and alone and she couldn’t pull her eyes away for anything in the world. Andrea was transfixed on his skin, just wishing she could run her hand down his back slowly all the way past his perfect ass and down to his strong thighs…he was gorgeous. Now that he was so still and so calm, she could see what she couldn’t on the night they met, she could fully appreciate the masculine beauty of his body.

“Look at you,” she whispered, “just look at how perfect you are.”

Andrea reminded herself that thinking the things she was feeling were 100% against the rules, but it didn’t make it much easier. She wanted so badly for him to see what she saw, a man who was good, a stunning man who would make someone a very lucky woman someday.


	9. Galaxies Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm loving this slow burn....sigh. lol  
> I swear I'll post some smutty little oneshots this week! lol

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Nine – Galaxies Collide _ **

"Why do I do this again?”

Dr. Evans kept coming up with activities for him in therapy, and he had committed to trying them all no matter how strange. He wanted to show everyone that he could change. It was hard to believe the difference in his own mind from the medicine he was taking; the world was a whole new place.

They were sat in Andrea’s office as she was watching a movie with the other two residents. Being there under court order meant that most people came to him instead of him leaving the facility. Dr. Evans explained the exercise as a way to find your direction in life. She said it was vital for him to have goals for after he was released from jail.

“I already know my direction in life. Go to jail, go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”

“Humor me.”

“Fine.”

“Just write for five minutes straight without breaks. Write down dreams for yourself, things you’d like to have in your life, no matter how unattainable they may seem and don’t stop writing until the alarm goes off.”

“I don’t have any dreams,” he tried to tell her, but she wasn’t having it.

“Merle.”

“OK.”

“I don’t care if you write astronaut or King of England, the goal is not realism…the goal is to tap into a stream of consciousness.”

“Huh?”

“It’s just an exercise, Merle. Just try it. There is no right or wrong way to do this. You can doodle a stick person driving a car if you want to, just don’t stop writing.”

“But-”

“Aaaaaand go!”

She touched the timer on the screen of her smartphone, and he growled in frustration. He had no idea what she was looking for and putting his dreams on paper was scary. What if they looked ridiculous to her? Still, Merle took the pen in his hand and just began to write frantically as he was told to.

_**\- Get out of prison** _

_**\- Find a job** _

_**\- Give Jacqui my kidney** _

The first few things were simple and not what anyone would call dreams per se. They were simply things on his to-do list.

“Dream bigger,” Dr. Evans urged gently.

“Uh…”

“Come on, Merle. Dream as big as you can, this is all confidential.”

“OK.”

_**\- Make up with Daryl** _   
_**\- Go hunting with him** _   
_**\- Get another bike** _

"Keep going,” she smiled.

“There’s nothing else I want though.”

“Your dreams don’t involve a special someone at any point?” she asked.

“It’ll be a hell of a long time before anyone wants me for anything like that,” he chuckled.  
“Too much talking, mister. This is just about writing, keep going. Even if it’s crazy or impossible, just keep going.”

“Damn it,” he sighed.

_**\- Marriage** _   
_**\- Kids** _   
_**\- Be a good father** _

“One more minute, give me a few more,” she pushed.

“This is already more than I’m ever gonna have, Dr. Evans.”

“You don’t know that. Keep going.”  
“I just don’t want to be alone, and I want to be happy. That’s all I want.”  
“Who do you want? What kind of woman?”  
“It doesn’t matter!” he huffed. “It’s not up to me anyway.”  
“Merle…it does matter. Goals are what will keep you going on the inside.”  
“I’m 38, and I’m going to prison, no woman in her right mind would ever get messed up with me.”  
“There’s no woman anywhere that you have feelings for?”

“Dr. Evans...”

“30 seconds, Merle. Write.”  
He looked down at the paper, angry at being pushed and ready to show her how ridiculous her little experiment was. There was only one way to really demonstrate it. He had to show her that his dreams were unattainable.

 _ **\- Andrea**_  
  
“There. Now go ahead and laugh!” he grumbled as he lay back on the couch in Andrea’s office. The same couch where he hung out with her every day listening to music and talking for hours.  
“If anyone could look beyond all of your failings and see you as you are...it’s Andrea. You know that, right?”  
“I can’t have anyone, Dr. Evans. I’m going away.”  
“It’s only 11 months, maybe sooner if you keep this clean,” she said, tapping her nose with a pen.

“I don’t understand this exercise, it just feels like torture. I can’t have any of these things.”

Dr. Evans picked up the list he had written and scanned it for a moment before answering.

“That’s where you’re wrong. Every single thing you wrote on this list could be yours. Keep it with you and just see if I’m right or not.”

“Is that a bet or something?” he half smiled back at her.

“You owe me a very nice glass of wine when I’m right,” she grinned.

/

Tessa was moved to the hospital for treatment when it turned out that she was unexpectedly pregnant. Merle hoped like hell that her baby would be born healthy and expressed his concern to Andrea as always.

“They will do everything they can for her…but I know that talking to you so much has her on the right path. I think she has a chance now thanks to you.”

“It was nothing.”

“I think you need to take a little credit for the way you help others. You should be proud of that. You have a good heart, Merle.”

“Who else did I help?”

“Your brother.”

“Yeah, but then I turned into an embarrassment.”

“He actually said that?”

“There has to be some reason he never picks up the phone.”

“You’ve had a lot of luck with letters, Merle. Maybe you could write one more.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“No pressure,” she smiled.

She could see that Merle needed a moment of calm after everything he was going through lately. He needed a moment of peace.

“Come with me,” she said, standing up to take his hand. “I want to take you somewhere.”

“I can’t leave though, can I?”

“Kinda, come on.”

Andrea led him to the service elevator and up to the rooftop of the building. He walked out into the cool evening air and took a long deep breath as she watched.

“Damn…that feels so good!”

She watched as he stretched his arms up to the star-filled sky and growled like a bear.

“Didn’t even know how bad I craved fresh air. Thanks, Andrea.”

The rooftop was a good size, and he walked to the edge and back toward the center as she smiled in his direction. They only had a couple of weeks left together before his sentencing hearing, and then it would be over. He would be in prison, and she’d be left with the ghost of him everywhere she looked.

“I’m going to miss you,” she said softly.

“Won’t be a relief to get me and my drama out of here?” he grinned.

“No, I love having you here.”

/

Her eyes shined bright blue in the light of the moon, and the way she looked at him made him forget all his failure; it was no small feat. He felt compelled to tell her what she meant to him, how she made him feel, but couldn’t. Instead, he began to ramble about the stars, one of the few things he knew a lot about.

“Great sky to see the stars tonight. Andromeda is nice and clear.”

“I always wanted to learn the constellations, just never got around to it.”

“When I was a kid, my neighbor was an old guy who used to give me pocket change to cut his grass. He gave me a book all about constellations one day just out of the blue. I was determined to find them all in the sky, and I eventually did.”

Merle watched her eyes as she was trying to make out a pattern in the sky.

“How do you ever remember where to look?” she laughed.

Merle moved closer to her then and pointed over her shoulder from behind.

“You just locate one that’s easy to spot and navigate that way. Andromeda is between Cassiopeia and Pegasus in the northern sky. Cassiopeia is kinda shaped like a W. See?”

It was so cliché, talking about the stars, but also terribly sad. In another world, where he wasn’t about to go to jail, and they were on equal footing, it could be a scene from a romantic movie. Instead, it was a criminal and a rehab counselor chatting about the stars with no hope for anything as sweet as romance.

“I think I see it,” she answered, “there?”

“Yeah! That’s it, and if you look just over a little to the right there’s this kinda cloudy oval of light…there?”

He pointed again, and she turned to smile at him before looking back up. She was clearly excited by it, and it made him feel giddy inside.

“What is it?” she asked.

“The Andromeda galaxy. Someday the Milky Way will collide with Andromeda, and it’s lights out for the whole world as we know it,” he noted absentmindedly.

“What?” she exclaimed.

“No worries, it’s not for another 4 billion years,” he assured her with a grin.

“Makes you think though, doesn’t it?”

“What does it make you think about?” he asked.

“That life is so brief and almost like a fortunate accident.”

“It is.”

“You think?”

“Definitely. You being here is the result of millions of years of evolution and chance. One little misstep and a completely different woman would have been born.”

“I never thought of it that way.”

“My great granddaddy was born in an old farmhouse, and his mother was bleeding bad I guess. They put him at the end of the bed in a cradle and tended to his mother instead. She had six kids already, and they needed her alive…that’s just the way things were back then. You could always have another baby, but the kids needed a mother. He was blue and not crying anyway, so they figured it was a waste of time to fuss over him. They got her stable eventually and finally remembered the baby when he started screaming all on his own.”

“Jesus,” she exclaimed.

“They didn’t clear his airways or nothing. He could have died so easily, and I wouldn’t be here now. There’s probably a hundred little things like that, so it is a miracle that we are here. It’s definitely a miracle for me that you’re here…nobody else would have helped me the way you have.”

Andrea looked up at the stars again and smiled to herself; she looked so beautiful it hurt just to look at her.

“You know, I think you may just be a romantic, Merle Dixon.”

“Get outta town.”

“I mean it; you could sweep a woman off her feet with this kind of talk.”

Her eyes were so blue, and her golden hair moved in the wind then; it was killing him to be so close.

“It’s not in the cards for me,” he shrugged. “Besides, I think you’re the only woman who’d stand with me under the stars and listen to me ramble…and this is your job.”

“Do you really think I brought you up here because it’s my job, Merle?”

“You didn’t?”

“Nothing in my job description involves starlit conversations with a clever man who knows all about constellations,” she winked. “I’m here because I want to be.”

“Well…thank you.”

“Maybe it can’t happen now for you, but someday soon those galaxies will collide.”

“Not 4 billion years I hope,” he sighed.

“It won’t be that long,” she answered in a soft voice. “You’ll be out in a year, and then anything is possible.”

“I wish I had your voice on tape,” he sighed. “I could listen to you talk all night.”

“You’re killing me, Merle,” she sighed. “Why did we have to meet this way?”

“It’s just my luck,” he shrugged.

“Luck can change…things can always change.”

Andrea moved next to him then and wrapped her arm around his waist. He just knew somehow that it was OK to put his arm around her shoulder too, he could just feel it, and it was perfect.

Merle had never had a romantic evening chat with a woman before. He had always looked at the stars all alone in the woods, or on the roof of his father’s workshop. Merle wanted this kind of thing in his life though; he knew that now.

He wanted a wife to look at the stars with and children to tell about all the constellations. Dr. Evans was right; his goals would keep him going.

Andrea held him tight as they contemplated the universe that night, she even leaned her head against his chest for a while. He memorized everything about the experience; he was planning to take it with him to prison. The memory of her holding him would sustain him in the long months ahead.

 


	10. One Slow Dance

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Ten – One Slow Dance _ **

 

It was all good for the rest of Merle’s time with Andrea. He spoke to Phillip and agreed to the deal for one year with time served for his 28 days of rehab, and the judge accepted it without a problem. Andrea had written him a glowing report and said that she considered him well on the way to full recovery.

He found himself happy but dreading the end as it approached so much faster than anticipated.

/

Merle was sat on a couch in the common area on his last night at the facility wishing that time would just stop. Andrea was in her office working, and he craved her in a way that would never subside. The TV was on, but he couldn't care less about whatever the other residents were watching.

Andrea had been better to him than his own mother or any woman he'd ever met, and he wanted to tell her so but didn't know how. She saved his life, such as it was, and he needed to communicate to her what that meant to him.

He looked over and watched her through the office window as she pulled an elastic out of her hair. She sighed as she continued to type without missing a beat. The woman worked tirelessly, and she treated everyone in the facility like they mattered exclusively.

She turned on her music again, and the song pulled him to her door.

"Andrea?"

"Hey, Merle. You OK? You need anything?"

Her eyes always shined just for him, at least that’s how it felt.

"No, I'm good...thanks to you."

"Huh?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course," she said. "Come in and have a seat."

She turned to her iPhone to turn off the music, but he asked if she could leave it on, he liked her music. Merle sighed and tried to remember what Dr. Evans had told him about opening up and being honest with people.

"I wasn't worth saving when I got here, but you saved me anyway, and I'm really grateful. I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for you."

Her face betrayed actual emotion to him, and it caught him by surprise that she would feel so much about anything he said.

"I'm going to miss you like crazy, do you know that?" she said.

“I miss you already,” he sighed.

“I knew you’d leave an impression from the moment I first met you, but I didn’t know it would be like this.”

“I thought you were the prettiest woman I ever saw that first night, and then it turned out you were the sweetest too…leaving here is gonna be the hardest thing I ever do.”

"Are you flirting with me, Merle Dixon?" she grinned.

Her beauty killed him, and he suddenly felt uninhibited as her lips held all of his attention.

"I know better than to try flirting with you...but I would if everything was different. If I thought I had a hope in hell and anything to offer you, I would try.”

It felt like he crossed a line then, so he stood up to leave her in peace. The last thing he wanted was to leave things on an awkward note with his only real friend.

"Anyway...thank you for everything."

He was just about out the door when she called him back and changed his life again.

"Merle, wait."

"Yeah?"

When he turned around, she was standing up and taking a step toward him.

"Tell me," she began. "Have you ever slow danced?"

Where did a question like this come from? Merle was lost.

"Nah, I never been anywhere that people did that."

"Would you dance with me?"

“Here?” he asked.

“Right here, right now…now is all we have.”

Merle felt excited and then immediately guilty that such a beautiful moment was being offered to him...the woman he hurt was still injured, and he couldn't change that. Still, he couldn't say no to Andrea’s offer; he wanted it too badly. A new song began with perfect timing as if by magic and he stood in one place as she walked closer to him.

"Come here," she smiled, taking his hands and laying them on her waist.

 

**_It's not a silly little moment_ **

**_It's not the storm before the calm_ **

**_This_ ** **_is the deep and dyin' breath of_ **

**_This love we've been workin' on_ **

****

**_Can't seem to hold you like I want to_ **

**_So I can feel you in my arms_ **

**_Nobody's gonna come and save you_ **

**_We pulled too many false alarms_ **

****

The song was slow and sexy, and he closed his eyes as she lay her face against his chest.

"Damn...this is what I've been missing?" he asked.

"There's always more to life, Merle...but you have to be here for it. Promise me you'll be here for everything life has to offer you."

"I promise."

 

**_We're goin' down_ **

**_And you can see it too_ **

**_We're goin' down_ **

**_And you know that we're doomed_ **

**_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burnin' room_ **

****

 

"I can't believe this is it," he said as they moved ever so slowly. “It’s going to be a damn long year not seeing you.”

Andrea's arms were wrapped around his neck, and her blonde hair was only inches from his lips. If he were a stupid man, he would try to kiss her, but he wasn't that stupid.

"I could drive up there to see you."

"You'd do that?"

"Why not?"

"Cause we only just met."

She looked up at him then and frowned.

"You don't think we've been through a lot together this last month? I feel like we got quite close."

"Of course I was feeling close to you, I just didn't know if you felt it too."

"Of course I do."

 

**_We're goin' down_ **

**_And you can see it too_ **

**_We're goin' down_ **

**_And you know that we're doomed_ **

**_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burnin' room..._ **

 

Merle never wanted the song to end. Andrea smelled so good, and holding her was better than all his best fantasies. Her silk blouse against the rough skin of his hands was a sign of the juxtaposition. He was a redneck criminal; she was a classy and respected professional woman.

"You're a hell of a woman, Andrea. I hope this Phillip character treats you as good as you deserve."

She didn't answer him then, and he figured he had crossed a line again.

"Sorry, that ain't my business."

"No, it's OK. It's just that we aren't seeing each other anymore."

"Oh. Sorry about that."

"It's OK."

She held him a little tighter, and he just enjoyed the rest of the time he had with her until the song ended.

 

**_Go_ ** **_cry about it, why don't you?_ **

**_My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room_ **

**_Don't you think we outta know by now?_ **

**_Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?_ **

**_My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room_ **

 

He would make it out of prison, and he would become a better person. In that moment, he vowed to himself that he would show Andrea that her concern wasn't wasted. He wanted to show her what her heart could do for a drowning man.

Slow dancing in a burning room...it felt like the perfect metaphor for his situation. He was going to prison; his life was in shambles, and yet there he was slow dancing with the most beautiful woman to ever give him the time of day. The term bitter-sweet just didn't cover it.

They said goodnight after a few more minutes of friendly banter, and he could still feel her warmth on his body as he walked out of her office on a cloud.

She allowed him 10 minutes alone in the shower before she’d check on him because she trusted that he was more stable now. Merle decided to use that time to play make believe and to relieve the tension.

 

**_Merle...touch me…_ **

He was pulling her close in a room he invented in his mind. Not his room at the shelter or the rehab center, it was a beautiful room where he could be alone with her for as long as he dreamed. He kissed her lips and imagined her tasting like something sweet...maybe peaches. She yielded to him so sweetly in his mind that he ached everywhere, up and down his arms adrenaline flowed at the thought of her wanting him back somehow.

Merle worked himself into a frenzy, thinking of being with her in another time and place with silver moonlight outside the window. Andrea would look like heaven in the moonlight. Her soft skin and those bright eyes would call to him, and he'd give her every little thing she wanted and try his best to please her.

**_You're a good man, Merle...be mine..._ **

**_Please, don’t ever let me go, Andrea…you're all I have…all I ever need…_ **

He was close to the edge, and he tried to keep the sounds of his panting down. He'd be ashamed if she knew what he was doing.

In his mind, she was standing before him and looking up into his eyes, her forehead covered in tiny drops of water like diamonds, and her sweet voice moaning his name.  He knew he'd be thinking of her every time he closed his eyes until he got out of prison and beyond. Andrea was the only woman to ever treat him like he mattered like he was worthy, and he would never get over that. Merle never wanted anything the way he wanted Andrea.

He worked his dick with his left hand pressed to the shower wall and the image of her face in his mind, the sound of her voice in his head. He wanted her then, pressed to the wall of the shower, lifted up into his arms with her perfect legs wrapped around his waist.

All he could realistically hope for was earning her full respect someday, and he would happily settle for that, but in a secret corner of his mind, he would want her for the rest of his life. No woman would ever be Andrea; nobody would ever possess his heart the way she did.

 

 

 


	11. Away from you...

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Eleven  _ ** **_ – _ ** **_ Away from you _ **

 

The next morning, Merle was packed up and ready to go bright and early. He dreaded leaving, but he had to be a man about it. George made him another fantastic breakfast to say goodbye and Tony sat with him as he ate it and drank his morning coffee.

“You’ll be fine at Walker State Prison. My buddy did a stint in there a couple years ago, and he says it ain’t so bad.”

“Hope not; I never served any real time, just short stretches in county,” Merle sighed.

“You gotta get into a work program, do your therapy, and keep your nose clean. Get ahold of some books and just block out the bad shit. Don’t fight if you can help it…and don’t drop the soap,” he winked.

“Fuck off!” Merle laughed.

“You’re gonna be alright, Merle,” Tony insisted. “You’re gonna be one of the guys that makes it.”

“You got a lot of faith in me,” Merle noted.

“Andrea believes in you with everything she’s got, and I trust her instincts.”

“She’s something else, huh?”

“She sure is. Andrea’s more than a beautiful woman; she’s got a beautiful heart too.”

Merle took his final sip of coffee and decided he had nothing to lose by saying it out loud.

“I love that woman like an illness,” he sighed. “Don’t think it’ll ever stop…I’m a terminal case.”

“I know, Merle. Hang in there.”

“You know?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty obvious.”

“Damn it. Do you think she knows too?”

“She hasn’t said anything to me…maybe.”

“Fuck.”

“I’ll tell you a couple things about her if you wanna hear it.”

“Of course.”

“When Andrea loves someone it’s 100% or nothing. She’s loyal to a fault; she never gives up on anyone…and I never saw her happier than she was this last month with you.”

“Really?”

“Really. So be careful with her or I’ll hurt you.”

“I promise.”

“Good, cause I think maybe you struck gold and caught her eye too.”

/

The officer would be there by 11:30 and Andrea knew she’d have to get busy saying goodbye before she lost her chance. Somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to go talk to him all morning. She was afraid she’d get emotional around the other residents or her staff. Andrea was struggling enough with her unprofessional feelings for Merle, the last thing she needed was to broadcast it to the world. Eventually, though, she was out of time, and she had to speak to him privately while she still could.

“Merle?” she called from the door of her office as he was sitting and talking to Tony.

“Yeah?”

There was a song playing softly in the background of her office as always; there was always music with her. It was an old John Lennon song that they talked about once. They both agreed that John and Yoko were soulmates and anyone who couldn’t see that was just a hater. They agreed on all of the important things.

 

_**Love is real; real is love** _   
_**Love is feeling, feeling love** _   
_**Love is wanting to be loved** _

 

She motioned for him to come see her with a little nod of her head. His smile was sweet and priceless as he got up to join her.

“Guess this is it,” he said as he sat down on her couch as always.

Andrea pulled the blinds closed, blocking the view of anyone hoping to witness their goodbye, and crossed her arms as she stared at a poster on the wall above her desk. With her back toward him, she knew that he was wondering what was going on.

“You OK?” he asked.

“No.”

“Me neither.”

“I don’t even know what to say,” she winced. “I let myself feel things I shouldn’t…and now-”

“Andrea?”

“I’m sorry.”

She still hadn’t turned around, but he could tell she was crying.

 

_**Love is touch; touch is love**_  
 _ **Love is reaching, reaching love**_  
 _ **Love is asking to be loved**_  
  


“Please don’t be sad, Andrea. I ain’t worth all that.”

“Don’t you ever say that to me, Merle Dixon…not after everything we’ve been through.”

“I’m sorry.”

He got up slowly and walked toward her as if navigating blindly. He didn’t know if she wanted him to come closer or not.

“What can I do?” he asked.

“Just hold me until you go?”

Merle reached out to touch her, and in an instant, his arms were filled with her. Standing behind her with her back pressed to his chest was agony, exquisite agony.

 

_**Love is you**_  
 _ **You and me**_  
 _ **Love is knowing**_  
 _ **we can be**_  


_**Love is free, free is love** _   
_**Love is living, living love** _   
_**Love is needing to be loved** _

****

She turned to face him as the song played and he touched her face gently as it hit her how screwed she was. Nothing was going to feel right until he was free. Each day apart would feel like a year.

“I’ll come see you as soon as I can,” she said.

“I’ll be counting the minutes.”

“Take care of yourself in there, OK? Promise me that.”

“I will, honey. I promise.”

She smiled then as he asked if it was OK to call her honey.

“I like it,” she smiled.

Merle looked up at the clock and the time was running away from them faster than expected.

“They’ll be here any minute,” he groaned.

“Do you think we could make it if we run?” she sighed, “just climb down the fire escape and never look back?”

“Maybe,” he grinned.

The alarm at the back door interrupted their getaway plans, and he knew his time was up. He had so much to say, and no time to say it, the words came fast and without thought. He had to speak while he still had time. He wanted so badly for her to wait for him while he was away, even if that was selfish, so he had to plead his case fast.

“You’re everything, Andrea…you mean everything to me,” he said, and she could see that he was fighting the urge to cry. “I wanna be with you so bad. I know it’s not fair to ask but…is there any chance you’d wait for me?”

“Yes…of course I will,” she whispered as she wiped her eyes with her hands. “Damn it…I need to pull it together here.”

“Me too,” he agreed.

She knew that the knock on her door was coming and that the officer would be wondering what they were doing alone together. She knew that all she had was maybe 30 seconds, so she grabbed the little time she had to say with actions what she didn’t have time to say with words.

Andrea touched his face and rose up on her toes to kiss him, and it was everything she suspected it would be. She almost wished that kissing him didn’t feel so right, but it did. It felt like coming home. He smelled masculine, and the sight of his closed eyes as he kissed her back would be burned into her memory. Kissing Merle lit every vein alight, and adrenaline surged through her heart and mind. He ran his hands down the sides of her waist and pulled her closer as she felt his tongue moved just once against hers. Then the knock she was expecting came.

Taking a step back from each other was more painful than they anticipated, and they had no choice but to act cool. Merle didn’t want to get her into trouble, and she had to be professional to keep doing the job she loved, the work she was so good at.

“I’ll miss you,” she whispered.

Merle mouthed the words ‘I love you’ as the officer lay his hand on his shoulder from behind.

“Time to go, Dixon.”

“I’m ready.”

He was cuffed and led out to the police cruiser as Andrea signed away responsibility to the state.  Andrea stood on the street and watched the car disappear from sight like a ship melting into the horizon. The next year would test her fortitude, and she knew it.

“Come back to me...just as you are,” she whispered.

 

 

 


	12. I Could Be Someone

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twelve - I Could Be Someone _ **

**__ **

After being with Andrea for a month, prison was a return to what he was more accustomed to. It was dehumanizing, but that was all by design. Merle knew imprisonment facilities as dark places where nobody cared where the lash marks on your back came from. Merle expected to be a number before he was a man in Walker State Prison.

He was led inside the gates with a few other new inmates, and his few possessions were taken away, placed in a thick plastic bag, and labeled. They were all taken to a room where they were given buzzcuts like in the army and then herded to another area to shower. Merle looked down at his blonde curls on the tile floor and sighed; he liked his hair longer. With his hair so short, he looked more like his father, and that was never good for his peace of mind. He was given orders at every turn, but no opportunity for discussion, and so he kept his mouth shut for the duration.

Merle was backed against a wall and photographed for his prison ID and then walked by a guard to a row of holding cells for the night.

“You’ll be here until we match you with a cellmate. Do as you’re told, don’t get into fights, and you shouldn’t have a problem here. Questions?”

“When am I allowed to have a visitor?” he asked.

“Could be a month or so, I can’t really say for sure.”

“That long?”

“You need to go through a diagnostic period, speak to a counselor, and have a visitor’s list approved but things take time around here.”

“OK, thanks,” he nodded.

Merle wanted to be agreeable, making these people like him was important if he wanted to see Andrea again. He was ready to play ball and just get through it one way or another.

“Food will be brought to your cell tonight, and you’ll get the grand tour tomorrow,” the guard added, and Merle thanked him again politely.

“Think I’ll stick you with Axel, he’s a kiss-ass too,” the guard chuckled.

Merle had never been called a kiss-ass before, but it was better than being labeled a troublemaker for once. He wanted Andrea, and if everyone in Walker State Prison ended up believing that he was a total pussy, so be it. The way back to her was paved with good behavior and he knew that.

He spent the whole evening laying on his cot, staring at the ceiling and replaying the kiss. That kiss was going to haunt him until his release. The urge to take her against the nearest wall had been strong, but he would have settled for just another 5 minutes of kissing in a heartbeat.

Merle tried to tell himself that she would wait for almost an entire year for him, but it was hard to really believe. Andrea was a gorgeous woman in the prime of her life; if she met a man while he was on the inside, he would expect her to go for it. He still didn’t know if she viewed the kiss as a mistake yet or not. Maybe it was a heat of the moment thing that she already regretted. All he knew was that she didn’t deserve to be alone, Andrea deserved to be loved and worshipped.

/

The next day he was taken to the cafeteria to eat and seated next to a man named Axel. Axel was going to be his kiss-ass cellmate, and he seemed nice enough to Merle.

“Hey, man! Name’s Axel. Have a seat!”

“You always this chipper at 7 am?” Merle groaned as he sank down on the steel stool next to him.

“Pretty much. Haven’t had a cellmate in over a year so I’m feelin’ good.”

“How long have you been here?” Merle asked as he began to eat the sludge they called porridge.

“Eight years now…armed robbery. I’ll be in another ten years I bet, but it don’t bother me. I ain’t got anything on the outside anyways.”

“Whatever works for ya,” Merle answered.

What was he supposed to say? He had no idea.

“So, you only on a short stretch?” Axel asked.

“A little less than a year.”

“Sweet! That’ll fly by, man. No worries. First time?”

“Yeah.”

“You stick with me, man. This place ain’t so bad.”

Merle sighed heavily to himself. It was going to be a long year with Mr. Sunshine, but only because he was so blue. He didn’t begrudge anyone who could be happy in a place like prison, though, in many ways, he envied Axel.

“How does a guy stay busy around this place?” Merle asked.

“Take a course. You can apply at the counselor’s office. I took an addiction counselor course here; I help some guys out at times.”

“Do they teach mechanics? I could do something like that I think. I already know about vehicles.”

“Sure. You might even get work release if you’re lucky.”

“That sounds OK,” Merle nodded.

The place was like death, and he knew he needed to find some support before the misery of it got to him. He had to stay the course and keep his head right. Maybe he didn’t have a real shot with Andrea on the other end of his prison term, but believing it was possible was going to keep him putting one foot in front of the other. Merle decided then to believe it as hard as he could, that she would be happily awaiting him at the end and it didn’t matter if it was true or not, he just needed a dream.

/

Andrea looked up the visiting policies at Walker State Prison and found that there was a waiting period and that visitors were subject to approval. It would be weeks before she could see him again and she wondered how she’d make it through the next year without losing her mind. That one kiss was enough to set her heart on fire, and the smoldering couldn’t be extinguished by anything as simple as time.

It was April 15th, and if he served all 11 months, they wouldn’t be together until February. There was nothing she could do to make the time pass faster; there was no way to communicate with him until visiting was allowed.  

She wondered how he was doing; she wished he was there with her to teach her all about the stars. One day she wanted to make love to him under a star-filled sky, one day when he was free to be hers again. It felt like losing her mind to want him as badly as she did, but the insanity was a pleasant emotion.

 


	13. All That Mattered

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Thirteen - All That Mattered _ **

**_ June 1st _ **

**__ **

Merle didn’t tell Axel about Andrea, even six weeks into his incarceration. He liked Axel a lot, and he trusted him, and yet he kept his dreams of her close to his chest. He didn’t really know what to say about her even if he did bring it up. Andrea was his former drug counselor, and he loved her madly, it would be a short conversation.

He had a new psychiatrist at the prison who was nowhere near as intelligent or caring as Michonne Evans, but his list of one name for a visitor was approved, so he was grateful. An application to learn small engine and auto mechanics was approved as well, and he had already started working five days a week in the guarded garage area of the prison. Merle earned $1/hour on his training, and although it was a pitiful amount, it was actually more than other prisons paid in the country. Many prisoners made no money for their work at all. He liked working in the garage right away and found himself smiling all the time, for no specific reason at all. He figured it was just nice to be busy doing something he was good at, to be succeeding at something that mattered.

Axel took a photo of him in the garage for the prison bulletin board, and for once, he actually liked a picture of himself; it was a candid photo taken mid-laugh, and he looked like a completely different man. He had his coveralls tied around his waist due to the heat with a white undershirt on in the photo, and he could tell that he was looking stronger already. He couldn’t help thinking that maybe Andrea might like to see him happy for a change. He decided to send a copy of the picture to her with a letter. Perhaps it was a ploy to encourage her to wait for him, but he could live with that.   

Merle had dreams of taking Andrea out for a fancy dinner when he was released but he still hadn’t seen her since the day he was taken away, and he didn’t know where things stood between them. All of his hours were filled with activity to prevent his emotions from taking over. He worked out in the prison gym during rec time and in his cell every evening

“Who you gettin’ into shape for?” Axel asked.

“Nobody.”

“You’re making me tired just watching you.”

“Get down here and do some push-ups then, you may as well be tired for a reason,” Merle suggested.

“Fuck that shit, man,” Axel chuckled. “I ain’t the workout type. I had enough of that shit back in the army.”

Merle was getting into good shape in prison, and he hoped that she would notice, he wanted desperately for her to want him as much as he wanted her. Having her visit him in prison was humiliating…he at least wanted to look good for her. His dusty blue prison shirt was fitting tight against his biceps in only a month, and his chest was more toned than it had been in years. In prison, the food was cheap and unhealthy, but he asked for more eggs, canned tuna, and oats instead of the cheap fish sticks and instant mashed potatoes everyone else got. Eggs, tuna, and oats were still cheap, so the kitchen was willing to part with a little extra for him if he volunteered to run the dishwasher a couple times a week. He quickly learned that prison life ran on a system of trades and bartering. If you wanted something, then you had to sacrifice something to get it.

A few inmates tried to mess with him in the first weeks, but he knew about men fill with rage, they were all like his father. He diffused most of it with humor, but he did have to slug one guy out who wouldn't back down. The next three days were spent in abject paranoia that someone would tell the guards about the fight and he would lose privileges. Merle wanted a clean record in prison; he wanted to show Andrea that he was succeeding.

/

When the day finally came for the visit, he could barely keep it together, and Axel was very curious why his nerves were shot.

Axel watched as Merle finished shaving his face in the mirror and kept biting his lip.

"You OK, man?" he asked.

"Yeah, just nervous."

"Why?"

"Got a visitor today...a friend."

"Why you nervous then?"

"She's special to me."

"That's nice. She pretty?"

"Yep. Way the hell outta my league pretty," Merle smiled.

"You'll be outta here in no time, so women are an option for you, brother."

"Not sure about this one, but I don't mind. I'm just excited to see her."

A guard called him for his visit, and he sighed heavily, shaking his hands out to relieve the tension.

"See ya later, man," Axel smiled.

"Yep."

/

The visiting area was a series of tables and chairs fixed to the floor in an ugly grey room that was like purgatory. A place where nothing progressed, a place where sadness resided between people who were on borrowed time to reconnect. He was led into this room, and the moment he saw her face, it was the most beautiful place he'd ever been. Weeks away from her had been hell but seeing her face would erase all that misery.

Andrea was sitting at the table with a huge smile for him and a gift bag next to her. She got up to embrace him and was eyed suspiciously by a guard.

"Oh...can I touch him?" she asked.

"Briefly," the guard responded.

Merle died a little inside at the sensation of her clothing against his hands. She had worn a red dress and heels to come see him, and he knew he’d be carrying the image of her in his mind until the next visit. Merle was pulled into her arms, and suddenly he was back in her office again, just slow dancing in a burning room.

"Thanks for coming," he said. "I was counting the days."

They sat down across the cold steel table from each other, and she told him how great he looked.

"Stop," he shrugged.

"I mean it; there's something different about you."

"I'm clean and sober," he suggested.

"And maybe some new cologne too," she winked.

"I borrowed some from my cellmate."

"It's very nice."

"So how's work?" he asked.

"Not the same without you around. I don't have anyone to sit on my couch and listen to music with."

"That was nice," he said wistfully.

"It really was. I have a surprise for you. I had to spend the last two weeks convincing the warden that I’m not trying to smuggle you a tiny homemade bomb or something…but he finally agreed."

Merle looked over at the bag as she pushed it toward him and wondered what on earth she would bring a man in his position.

"You didn't have to, Andrea. I was just so excited for you to even visit me."

"It's nothing much," she insisted.

Merle pulled blue tissue paper from out of the bag that had balloons on the outside; he had never been given a gift that looked this way. There was a small box inside the bag that he pulled out and then looked up at her.

"Andrea..."

"I already opened it and added you to my apple account; I wanted to put a bunch of music on it for you."

He held the brand-new iPod Nano in his hands and smiled up at her.

"This is the nicest thing anyone ever gave me."

"I figured music would help pass the time; I added you to my account for Apple Music so that we can share all our tunes. They said you could have it as long as it has no message features, so I got the Nano cause it only has music."

"Was it a lot of money?" he asked. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to, don't be silly."

"Thank you; this is just what I needed...and this visit."

"Hey, I was more than happy to make the drive. I'll come back every couple of weeks too."

"I want to tell you not to bother cause I don't want to inconvenience you...but I'd love to see you again."

"Then it's a date."

"Did you find out anything else about that medical stuff for me?"

"You'd have to see a doctor and have a full exam to see if you're a good candidate and there’s other criteria that need to be met before you can proceed."

"Can I request this exam with the prison?" he asked.

"I did you one better. Dr. Grimes, who saw you at the hospital when you..." she paused because she was afraid to bring up his suicide attempt. "She said she'll come and perform the exam for free if the prison will give her clearance. She can do the exam in the prison infirmary."

"That's awesome! I'll start right away with a letter to the warden."

"It's a great thing that you're trying to do here. I’m proud of you.”

The guard reminded them that time was short, and he sighed as he looked at her for a long, painful minute.

"I wish you could stay...well, I wish I could leave. I don't want you stuck here too."

"Are they treating you OK?"

"Yeah, and I have a friend here who shares my cell. His name is Axel."

"That's good. Now that I’m approved as a visitor, I can write to you, so you need to write back,” she smiled. “Keep your head up and don't let yourself get too dark."

"OK."

"You're still taking your meds, right?"

"I am, and it's helping. I don't get way down anymore or really manic either. For the first few weeks, I felt like a bit of a zombie, but it's good now."

She reached out then and touched his hand, drawing the eye of the guard and so she squeezed it quickly before letting go.

"I'm rooting for you, Merle. I miss you."

"I miss you too, all the time."

"Will you let me take you out for dinner when you get out?"

"I was actually going to ask you out for dinner when I get out. I have a job in here, so I can pay.”

"Or we could go Dutch!" she quipped. "Enjoy the music, OK? I made you a playlist already so be sure to check it out."

"I'm gonna cherish this, Andrea. Thanks so much."

"You really do look great," she said softly. "I love to see you smiling again."

"Strangely, I'm actually happy here in a way. I have a chance to get my life straight now. I’m learning a trade, so I’ll be able to work when I’m released."

Was he trying to convince her to give him a chance? Yes.

Was he trying to show her that he would add more to her life than he would take from it? Definitely.

"I knew you could do it,” she said.

“Andrea, when we said goodbye…”

“Are you asking if the kiss was a mistake?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“I might know you better than you think.”

“Oh…”

“It wasn’t a mistake for me, Merle.”

Her hand squeezed his, making his heart beat fast and hard.

“Thank God,” he sighed. “I was really hoping it wasn’t.”

“Time’s up, Dixon.”

“Damn it. I waited so long to see you, and it’s already over.”

“I’ll be back,” she insisted. “Keep your eye out for a letter.”

“Can’t wait.”

“I’m not allowed to kiss you…but I want to,” she whispered.

“The fact that you want to is enough for me,” he sighed.

“Hold on, and someday we won’t have to stop.”

“Damn,” he growled under his breath.

It was the best thing she could have said, and he didn’t even try to hide the dopey grin on his face as they hugged and then parted.

/

He watched her leave as long as he could: through the big heavy steel doors to the hallway and then out the back doors to the visitors parking lot.

Merle's mission was to show her that he had been worth it, that the work she did was worthwhile, that her care wasn't wasted. In the beginning, he didn't care about doing it for himself. He was doing it just for her. Now it was a mixture of both.

Back in his cell he held his treasure in his hands and smiled. He had to go to an addiction meeting at the prison chapel with Axel, so he placed his gift in his locked bunk for safekeeping. He couldn't wait to hear the music she had put on there just for him; he was excited like a child awaiting Christmas morning.

When night fell, and he and Axel had finished playing cards for the evening, he pulled out the iPod and opened Apple Music to see what was there. The first thing that caught his eye was a playlist with an unusual title.

"Hope you like these songs. Xo"

She had managed to send him a message despite the rules, and he loved how clever it was. He scrolled down the list of songs and noted a bit of a theme. He lay back on his bunk and put the earbuds in his ears to let it play, and as soon as he closed his eyes, he was with her in her office again.

****

**_Under a trillion stars_ **

**_We danced on top of cars_ **

**_Took pictures of the stage_ **

**_So far from where we are_ **

**_They made me think of you_ **

**_They made me think of you_ **

****

**_Oh, lights go down_ **

**_In_ ** **_the moment we're lost and found_ **

**_And I just wanna be by your side_ **

**_If these wings could fly_ **

**_For the rest of our lives_ **

 

Every single song was uplifting and sweet, and Merle knew he'd be OK in that moment, he was going to survive, and if there was a God, he would be able to help Jacqui too. It dawned on him then that he could make his own playlist for her and he could give the playlist a title.

****

**_It feels like I'm not even in prison with this music, it feels like I’m with you. Thank you so much. Xo_ **

****

He added only one song but planned to add more as he went.

/

Andrea was just about to turn in after returning home from a late-night run when she noticed the new playlist, and she loved the title.

She jumped in the shower as the song from his playlist played, and she was right back there in her last moment with him…

 

__**Love is real; real is love  
Love is feeling, feeling love  
Love is wanting to be loved**

/

Life in prison had a definite rhythm, and Merle found his groove quickly. He dove in with both feet to do everything he could around the prison to prove himself. His lawyer, Dale, mentioned that there was a faint hope of early release if he behaved himself. Dale was trying to make a case to the parole board about Merle’s desire to donate his kidney.

Eventually, he had to tell Axel that his visitor was a woman he hoped to make his wife someday and it did help to share it with a friend. Axel was also great to talk to about his former drug and alcohol use, it still got tough on occasion, and Axel knew just what to say to bring him back down. Merle even told him about Daryl and the fact that they were estranged, something Axel could relate to since he rarely got a visit from any of his family anymore. Axel was the friend he always needed in life but never had.

 


	14. With your love

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Fourteen - With Your Love _ **

**_ August 21st _ **

 

It was still hot as hell in Davidson, Georgia and Andrea was just trying to survive the summer with broken air conditioning in her facility. She was holding a bottle of ice water to her forehead when she heard the mailbox lid slam shut down at the bottom of the stairs. A song was playing from Merle’s latest playlist, and he added a message that she couldn’t help finding adorable.

**_~ Heard this in the garage the other day; it made me think of you:)_ **

The song was her new favorite; it had been on repeat for the last half hour.

****

_**Move to the city with me**_  
_**I don't wanna be alone**_  
_**You're too pretty for me**_  
_**Baby, I know**_

 _**You look better when you first wake up** _  
_**Than anybody else I've loved** _  
_**Baby, I got good luck with you** _  
_**I didn't know we'd get so far** _  
_**And it's only the start** _  
_**Baby, you got me worried** _

_**Your love is scaring me**_  
_**No one has ever cared for me**_  
_**As much as you do**_  
_**Ooh, yeah, I need you here**_

Tony sauntered down to retrieve the mail for her, and she closed her eyes trying to pretend that she was somewhere cool, like the Arctic. By August 21st it should have been cooler, but the entire summer had been torturous.

“Letter from everyone’s favorite jailbird!” Tony hollered, dropping a stack of mail on her desk.

Suddenly, the heat failed to matter.

She grabbed the letter and tore it open to discover a letter and a photograph of him that brought a dopey grin to her face,

“Damn.”

“What’s up?” Tony asked

All she could do was show him, and he grinned when it became clear what she was thinking.

“Not bad at all. Looks like our troublemaker found a gym.”

“Sweet baby Jesus.”

“Only my girl Andrea could go from the District Attorney to a criminal in one jump.”

“Shut up!”

Merle looked incredible in the photograph, and she couldn’t stop staring at his massive arms, broad chest and the smile on his face. He looked like he was finally at peace with himself and she loved that. She imagined trailing her tongue from his neck to his belt, and she had to shake her head to snap out of it.

****

/

“Four more,” Oscar pressed.

“Fuck!”

“Dude, you got this.”

Merle was chest pressing over 200 pounds as Oscar spotted him, trying desperately not to give up. His arms were falling weak with exertion, but he had a workout partner now to compete with, and he loved it, so he kept pushing.

“Fuck yes, brother,” Oscar cheered.

“I’m too old for this shit,” Merle winced.

“Nope. You keep this up and show your woman what you’re made of.”

Merle had confessed to Oscar all about his feelings for Andrea, and it felt good to have regular guy chats about women. Oscar had a wife and child on the outside, and he was expecting to be out within the next year as well.

“Man, what I wouldn’t give for one night with my woman right about now,” Oscar groaned.

“All I ever did was kiss this woman, and she’s got me up at night thinkin’ about her.”

“Just keep her on your mind, work hard in the garage and the gym and she’ll be yours, man.”

He was impressing everyone with his weightlifting, but mostly himself. Merle was eating right and running on the treadmill every day. He had goals now, and he planned to achieve every single one.

/

After a long hot shower, he settled into his cell for the night. He had the cell to himself with Axel in the infirmary for diabetic issues. Axel would be fine, but occasionally he needed extra care for his blood sugar levels. Walker State Prison was surprisingly well run, and he found the treatment to be very compassionate. Warden Murray seemed to actually give a shit about real rehabilitation. Merle read a mission statement from the man talking about how each man could change in his facility and make a real difference in the world. Merle hoped to have the pleasure of meeting him someday.

Merle lay back on his bunk with his muscles still burning from the badass workout with Oscar. He ran his hands over his upper arms and grinned to himself, imagining Andrea touching him and being impressed at his progress.

They were still sending music back and forth, but he had to delete the titles of the playlists every night before turning in. Sometimes the guards checked his device, and he didn’t want it to be taken away for any reason.

When he unplugged it from the charger, he found the latest song she added and a message that set him on fire.

 

**I dreamed of you last night, it was so real that I could feel you touching me. Been listening to this song all day and thinking of you. Xoxo**

****

The song was slow and mellow, and as he lay back on his bunk, he could sense her close to him somehow. He wanted to kiss her so badly, to feel her soft hair against his cheek as he moved in toward her neck to taste her skin…she was a little evil to send him a song this seductive, but he loved it.

 

 _ **I wanna line my walls with photographs you sent**_  
_**Of you lying in your swimsuit on the bed**_  
_**Can't live without your love inside me now**_  
_**I'll find a way to slip into your skin somehow**_

 

He sent back a message to her in the form of a playlist title as always and then resigned himself to jerking off over her.

 

**~ There’s nothing I want more than to touch you, honey…and now I need to take care of the mess you made of me;) lol**

 

Merle was semi-hard before he even reached his hand down inside his boxers; she did that to him so easily. He imagined her on his lap, riding him slow and kissing him deep. He would hold her perfect ass with both hands, rocking her on his dick nice and steady.

It had been so long that he almost forgot how good sex felt. He also knew that sex with Andrea would feel a hundred times better than with anyone else because he would be sober and this time it would be making love, not just the random fucking he had previous to her.

 

 _**I wanna fuck your love slow** _  
_**Catch my heart, go swim** _  
_**Feel your lips crush** _  
_**Hold you here my loveliest friend** _

__

He was getting there steadily when he noticed that she had changed the message.

 

**~ I just might be doing that too…XXX**

 

“Damn…you’re a devil woman,” he whispered to himself.

He sighed and paused again to leave another message, a more daring message to help her along. He was a little terrified to be naughty like this, maybe it would freak her out, but he couldn’t resist it…he needed her to know what she did to him.

 

**~ Close your eyes, honey…it’s my mouth down there. Can you feel it? Slow and soft and wet…just the right pressure to get you there. God! I fucking miss you:/ xo**

 

Merle was imagining her legs spread before him and the sensation of pressing his lips to her inner thighs as he got closer and closer to her precious sweetness. The song continued to add to the torture of needing her as he jerked himself off a little faster…a short moan catching in his throat.

  
**_I love to watch you when you're trying on your clothes_**  
**_And now you're all I think about when I'm alone_**  
**_Can't wait to feel your love inside me now_**  
**_We'll have a drink or two, and we'll go to your house..._**

****

**~ I just moaned your name as I came apart, Merle. I can’t wait to feel your love inside me now…**

****

It was heaven and hell to imagine her body erupting in ecstasy and his name on her lips as it happened. He gripped his cock and closed his eyes as she rode him in his mind. Her hands would be pressed to his chest, and her perfect breasts would move with each thrust of her hips. Her closed eyes, and her face grimacing with release on the tip of her tongue…Andrea…

Her name was the one sound he made as he let go that night. Merle didn’t really understand how they had fallen so hard for each other when they weren’t together, but it was real, and he was living just to be with her again. It took him a few minutes to catch his breath before responding; he was completely spent.

****

**~ I just moaned your name too, honey. You’re the only woman I could ever want. You’re everything to me.**

**~ Goodnight, babe. I miss you:(**

**~ I miss you too, but I promise when I get out I'll teach you all the constellations and kiss you tell me to stop. xo**

 

 _**I wanna fuck your love slow** _  
_**Catch my heart, go swim** _  
_**Feel your lips crush** _  
_**Hold you here my loveliest friend** _

__

__


	15. Beautiful in Every Way

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Fifteen - Beautiful in Every Way _ **

 

Merle found a kind of home in prison, much to his surprise. The routine was boring, but in comparison to his old life of dodging dealers, waking up sick and jittery, and being constantly lonely, it was an improvement.

Andrea came to see him every two weeks, and it was the highlight of his life. They would sit and talk about nothing much at all, play some music on her iPhone and hold hands. Merle loved just being able to touch her hands across the cool steel surface of the visiting room tables, it was so fulfilling and yet so simple. Their shameless flirtation was hard to control, everything inside him wanted to lay her out on the table and make love to her, even if guards were watching.

/

On top of his visits with Andrea, Merle had the garage, and it was his favorite new place to be. They played music in the garage as he worked, and he loved the atmosphere. It was like being with Andrea, at least a little. It made him feel like he was back in her office eating KitKats and talking for hours.

The man who was teaching him motor mechanics was Abraham Ford, and he was a decent guy who let him be himself for 6-8 hours a day. They joked around, and he discovered what it felt like to be a working Joe. Life was grand.

Merle dreamed of a future that didn’t seem so impossible anymore. Of bringing home his checks to Andrea and buying her flowers on the way home on a Friday night. He wanted an ordinary life. Just bullshitting with the other men made him feel so normal and he loved it. He was happiest there, and he smiled so often that it was hard to even remember being depressed before.

“Just keep that country shit off the radio!” Oscar groaned.

“Fine! No country, just keep your ass working,” Abe joked.

“Play more Otis!” Merle chimed in.

“The dude only just heard his first Otis Redding album this week, and he thinks he’s on a first name basis already. That’s Mr. Redding to you.”

“Whatever, man. Just play it,” Merle laughed.

Merle was introduced to Otis Redding, and Joe Cocker through Oscar and Merle showed Oscar how to rebuild the carburetor on an old Chevy truck. Having friends was great and new to Merle. The only ‘friends’ he had before jail were simply drug connections with similar interests.

“Mail call!” Abe hollered as the lunch hour began and Merle’s ears perked up at the mention of his name. “Two for you Dixon.”

He received a letter from the office of the warden and one from Andrea. He decided to save the letter from Andrea until bedtime. Both letters had already been opened and read by the guards at the prison, but he didn’t much care. He was hoping that the letter from the warden said he’d be able to have the exam preformed, so he tore it open eagerly.

 

**_Inmate 46463 (Merle Dixon)_ **

**_Your request for medical examination has been approved and will be completed on September 4 th at the prison infirmary. Dr. Lori Grimes has been allowed clearance to the prison grounds for the examination with the assistance of our own prison physician, Dr. Ng. _ **

**_The physician of the victim in your case must be allowed access to the results of the examination, fill out the form enclosed and sign it to allow this. You will also find enclosed a self-addressed/stamped envelope to return the signed form._ **

**_The exam has been paid for by Miss. Andrea Harrison and will, therefore, be allowed since it will not be at the expense of the state. You should remember that this is a special privilege being afforded to you. It is mandatory that you maintain your perfect disciplinary record in order to receive this special treatment. It is mostly for the victim in your case that we are allowing this exam to take place._ **

**_You are not to eat after midnight the evening before examination for fasting blood draws._ **

**_Sincerely,_ **

**_Warden Walter Murray_ **

 

Merle was grinning from ear to ear as he explained to the guys he worked with that he might be losing a kidney.

“Damn, that would be the day I’d give up a kidney!” Oscar shuddered.

“I owe it to her,” Merle countered.

“Still…surgery freaks me out.”

“How hard can it be?” Merle asked.

“I heard kidney transplant is a doozy,” Abe noted.

“It’s all good. I put that poor woman through hell so it’s the least I can do.”

“What a saint!” Oscar teased.

“That’s me,” Merle winked. “Mama’s little angel.”

/

Back in his cell, he took the letter from Andrea and opened it slowly, savoring it. All of the letters from Andrea were kept close at hand, and he read them over and over when he needed to smile.

**_Merle,_ **

**_I miss you like crazy, but you know that, don’t you? Still can’t stop looking at the picture you sent, but I digress…_ **

**_The exam is all covered now so you can get that done in September some time. I don’t know when you’ll get a letter about it, but Warden Murray told me himself that it’s all good. I guess he’s an old friend of Phillip’s, so I made small talk with him about our mutual ‘friend’ to get my way._ **

**_I think it’s so brave of you to go through with this (if you’re a match), I don’t know if I’d be as brave. I admire you._ **

**_I keep thinking of you, and I can’t wait until you’re free. That one kiss is still killing me even as I write this. I wanted so much more than that kiss; you should know that._ **

**_Please hang on and stay strong for me, I believe in you._ **

**_Love, Andrea xo_ **

**_/_ **

**_September 4 th_ **

Merle was taken to the infirmary at 8:30 am, starving and nervous. He was about to undergo a battery of tests, and he was really hoping it would go well. Dr. Grimes had passed along a message that he needed to do a 24-hour urine collection before the testing day, and so he was held in a special holding cell near the infirmary to do the collection with the prison nurse.

Merle wrote a thankyou note to the warden for allowing all of the special concessions. He really was a kiss-ass.

He was left with Dr. Grimes and Dr. Ng in the infirmary, and he didn’t know what to expect, but he was told he’d be there most of the day.

“When was the last time you had a complete physical, Mr. Dixon?”

Dr. Grimes was very attractive, and he prayed he wouldn’t get hard in front of her at some point while he was naked. His heart belonged to Andrea, but he was also a man who hadn’t been laid in what felt like a hundred years.

“I don’t think I ever had a physical before.”

“Wow…well, we’ll need you to undress and put on this gown,” she said, handing him a paper gown that was open in the back.

“Jesus,” he winced.

“Did you drink all of the fluid you were given?” Dr. Ng asked.

“Yeah, I gotta pee something fierce,” he moaned.

“You must hold it until the ultrasound is over.”

Merle changed into the paper dress and was laid out on a table where Dr. Grimes draped his lap with another piece of paper to expose his midsection. The lights were turned down low, and the two doctors conducted an ultrasound of his belly like he was going to have a baby. They checked all of the blood vessels that led to his kidneys and the general function as well.

He was examined from his head to his toes. Dr. Ng checked him for hernias and everything below the waist instead of Dr. Grimes which was a blessing because Dr. Ng was a man and didn’t make him aroused at all. They took multiple vials of blood, for blood typing and tissue typing and told him they’d have answers within two weeks.

“Your liver is in great shape considering your history of drinking,” Dr. Ng noted. “I’ll be honest, I thought as soon as we had a look at your liver we’d be done here, but everything looks fine so far.”

“So maybe I can do this?” Merle grinned.

“We need at least a few antigen matches,” Dr. Grimes explained. “Tissue typing is important, but it’s all looking good so far. Your very lucky to be in this kind of shape after your history of drug and alcohol abuse.”

“I’m working out and eating good now. Anything else I can do?”

“Just keep eating well, I’ll leave you a recommendation of foods to eat and be sure to drink a lot of plain water. Working out is a great plan too,” Dr. Ng recommended.

“I’ll try my best to come by healthy foods in here,” Merle laughed.

“I’ll see if I can have a little word with the warden for you. He’s really into this idea. He figures it’ll be good press for his precious prison,” Dr. Ng chuckled. “He fancies himself a humanitarian in a corrupt system, which I suppose is a really good thing.”

“Whatever works,” Lori added.

/

Merle’s lawyer, Dale, had a plan in motion and when he figured out how close Andrea was to Merle, he decided to let her in on it.

She was in her office typing and playing some music when he walked in for what she thought was a random visit.

“Dale! Hey, how’s it going?”

“Pretty good. I’m busier than a man my age should be, but it’s all good,” he chuckled.

“I just spoke to Merle the other day, and he sounds so much better. His exam went pretty well, I guess.”

“I just had a meeting with the parole board about Merle, and they seem keen to consider a September release.”

“Seriously?” she exclaimed. “That’s so soon!”  
“I was shocked myself, to be honest,” he nodded. “Warden Murray even spoke to the governor over this case. There’s even talk of media involvement, it’s a great human-interest story.”

“What?” she exclaimed.

“I know, it’s pretty great. I was hoping you could write a letter. The only thing tripping the powers that be up is that Merle has no known support on the outside.”

“I can do that, no problem. We’ve become good friends, so I will definitely be looking out for him when he’s released, and I contacted his brother recently too.”

“Great. I think it will really help things along. It doesn’t hurt that the victim isn’t against an early release and it looks like this surgery is actually going to happen now. I think all he needs is a psych evaluation and it’s a go.”

“This is scary…I’m worried about this surgery.”

“Me too, but he’s very determined.”

“He really is, isn’t he?”

Truth be told, Andrea was terrified. She didn’t want him to go through with it, even though she knew nothing would stop him. Andrea hoped to have some time to get to know him after he was free, she wanted to have him to herself before she had to risk losing him.

 

 

 

 

 


	16. A Simple Man

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Sixteen – A Simple Man _ **

**_ September 10th _ **

 

Andrea was living in a fog, a purgatory where she couldn’t move forward or back. The facility was running well with the addition of Maggie and a full-time nurse; she could actually stick to admin instead of all the hands-on work she normally dealt with. She would always be directly involved with patients, but someone had to keep the place running, and that needed to be her.

Merle was always on her mind, and the more that things began to fall into place with the kidney transplant, the more she wished he wasn’t a match. The tests had come back almost perfectly with tissue typing, and so the transplant was expected to happen as soon as he was released. Dale was close to having Merle’s release expedited for the surgery. In fact, he was expected to be released within a week after a final hearing. Still, Andrea was very nervous for him.

“It’s going to be OK,” Merle insisted on their last visit. “You can live with just one kidney, so it’s no problem.”

“Merle…I’m proud of you, and I know how much you want this, but you need to know how serious it is.”

“I do.”

“Do you? You could die, Merle.”

“I thought you were OK with this.”

“I am, I support you in whatever decision you make…you just need to know that it’s not as simple as walking in the hospital and walking out a few days later. You could end up with an infection, or there could be a problem with the anesthetic-”

“It’s going to be OK, I have a good feeling about it,” he insisted.

“Merle-”

“Are you really that worried?”

“If you hadn’t noticed, I am pretty into you,” she grinned.

“I am way more than into you,” he winked.

“Just promise me you’ll look into all of the risks. I just need to know that you’re making a fully informed decision.”

“If it will make you feel better, I will for sure.”

“Thanks.”

/

A week later as Merle walked into the hearing for his early release, he realized just how badly he wanted it. He spent the whole week telling Axel he’d be fine either way, claiming that he really didn’t care. Axel saw through it but didn’t contradict him in any way; Axel was good like that.

“I think there’s a good chance,” Dale insisted as they sat behind a table to say their piece to the panel.

Andrea was there, sitting three rows back and he could feel her presence all around him.

“Hey, honey!” he called back to her before the hearing began.

She waved and smiled to him like always, and he wanted to touch her so badly. He was called by the panel to give a statement on his own behalf, and he swallowed hard before speaking to such a large group.

 

“I did a terrible thing, and I won’t make any excuses for it. All I can do is try to be a better man. I’m working on that now. I go to AA, and I’m seeing a psychiatrist for my mental illness. I take my meds religiously, and I’m in a training program so that I can work when I’m released. I’d be lying if I said I don’t want a chance to be free again. I would love to be free, but I will accept whatever decision the panel comes to. The only thing I would ask is that if I can’t be released early…is if I could be allowed to go to the hospital for the surgery when the time comes. I really want to help the victim now if I can. Thank you for listening.”

 

“We will hear from the people who came to speak on your behalf, Mr. Dixon. Then we will convene to discuss the best course of action. This is highly unorthodox, but under your special circumstances regarding the victim and the organ compatibility, we are willing to consider this early parole.”

“Thank you,” Dale nodded as he called the first character witness.

Michonne told the panel how willing he had been to open up about his childhood. She praised his acceptance of his bipolar diagnosis and said that he was more than willing to take the meds prescribed to him. Merle wasn’t accustomed to being complimented, but he loved that it was all happening in front of Andrea, he couldn’t help trying to impress her whenever he could. Andrea had written them a long report that was mentioned as part of the proceedings.

Everything was looking up, and he felt like there was a real shot to be released. Dale entered a letter from Jacqui to be included, and she spoke about how brave it was for him to contact her and accept full responsibility.

Merle was feeling confident; he was happy that at least they had all done what they could. He had allies now, people who went out of their way to help him and it felt incredible.

He was allowed a few minutes to speak to Andrea and Dale as the panel excused themselves to discuss their findings, and then the back doors of the hearing room opened.

Merle barely recognized his face at first, but after a moment of confusion, he could see that it was Daryl. All the way from Atlanta, Daryl was now in the same room as him, and he could hardly believe it.

“What the fuck?”

“Please don’t be upset, Merle…I wrote to him a few weeks ago, and he said that he wanted to be here to support you,” Andrea explained.

“How?”

“His information was in your medical file at the hospital, and I asked Lori to help me out with finding him through his own medical records,” she shrugged. “I’m going to get her so fired one of these days.”

“Jesus…”

Daryl approached him hesitantly at first.

“Hey.”

“Daryl…it’s great to see you. Thanks for coming.”

“You’re doing better now?”

“Yeah, I mean, I still got a ways to go, but I’m on the way to living the straight life now,” he smiled.

“Sorry, I’m late, I had to drop off Sophia before I made the drive down here from Atlanta.”

“Hey, it’s all good. I’m just happy to see your face. I missed you…but I understand why you didn’t pick up all those times.”

“I changed my number, and you never stayed in the same place two nights running so I couldn’t give you my new one.”

“Really?”

“Carol’s ex is a prick…we have to change the number sometimes when he gets a hold of her new information.”

“You mean…it’s not cause you didn’t want to hear from me?”

“Of course not, you’re my big brother.”

“I was a fuck up.”

“That doesn’t change you being my brother. You musta been high as fuck to think I wouldn’t back you up no matter what.”

“I was high as fuck, and I got this mental illness thing too. I’m bipolar.”

“It’s all good, man. So, you getting out of here?”

“Don’t know yet, but can I see you when I do get out?”

“Yeah, if you’re doing this good then we should definitely hang out again. Sophia could use an uncle.”

“Uncle…damn.”

He wanted to give Andrea a long hug, but just as he was about to, the hearing reconvened.

/

Merle was so anxious he could hardly sit still; everything was riding on this one panel.

“In this case, due to the fact that you have established support on the outside with Miss. Harrison and your brother…we are inclined to support this early release. There will be strict conditions up until the 11-month mark such as weekly check-ins with an assigned parole officer. You will have to wear an ankle monitor device and stay in a halfway house so that your continued rehabilitation can be overseen for the next six weeks. After that time, you will have to find a permanent residence. If these conditions are breeched in any way, you will be returned without warning. Is that clear, Mr. Dixon.”

“Yes. Thank you so much. I’m going to follow every condition perfectly, I swear.”

Sure, he was a kiss ass now, but he was about to be a free kiss ass.

“You will be released on September 18th into the care of Stepping Stones halfway house in Davidson in conjunction with Davidson Regional Detox Facility.”

Merle sat there stunned for a minute as the world around him began to buzz with activity and excited reaction. Suddenly, Andrea and Daryl were by his side smiling and touching him. He was getting out.

“I can’t believe it,” he uttered finally.

“This is it,” Andrea squealed.

“As soon as I can get a couple of days off work, we can go fishing,” Daryl added.

Merle turned to his brother then and realized that all of his wishes from the list with Dr. Evans regarding his brother were coming true.

“You wanna?”

“Yeah, we have a lot to catch up on, right?”

“Yeah.”

Merle couldn’t believe he was actually speaking to his brother again; the world had gone and flipped on him. It dawned on him then how much his untreated diagnosis of mental illness had muddied his perception. He had been convinced that Daryl hated him and never wanted to see his face again, he had believed it with every cell in his body.

They were allowed to speak for a few more minutes, and they took a moment to exchange current information.

“Don’t change the number though, man,” Merle joked.

“I won’t. I’ll be there when you call now. Promise.”

In 3 days, after some bureaucratic prison paper pushing, Merle was going to be free.

/

“It worked…they’re letting me go.”

“You deserve it, man.”

Axel was excited for him even though he had years left in prison himself.

“Wish you could get out too,” Merle sighed.

“I’m fine here, buddy! This is my home. I’m like that old dude from Shawshank Redemption who can’t hack it on the outside no more,” he laughed.

“Yes, you can…and when you get out, you better come see me.”

“You bet.”

“I’m gonna visit you too,” Merle vowed.

“You don’t have to do that, Merle, you got a life to live out there.”

“Shut it, Axel! I’m gonna.”

“Alright, alright.”

They played cards for another hour before Merle turned in and checked his iPod for a word from his dream woman.

 

**_All I can think of is being alone with you…soon, babe! Xo_ **

****

Merle had looked into it, and with his ankle bracelet, he was allowed to leave the halfway house with Andrea for an evening. At the hearing, Andrea said they would be going out for dinner on the day of his release and then she would drop him off at the halfway house afterward. He couldn’t wait to spend a whole day and evening with her. Kissing, touching and just talking were all at the top of his to-do list…but sex was very much on his mind as well.

When his head hit the pillow, he had only sweet thoughts in his mind. Thoughts of love and peace as he played the newest song she added to the list.

 

**_I saw you standing there_ **   
**_Sandy blonde hair, the way it came tumbling down_ **   
**_Just like a waterfall_ **   
**_And if you need a light_ **   
**_I'll be the match to your candle_ **   
**_My darling, I'm ready, to burst into flames for you_ **

**_I was just coasting till we met_ **   
**_You remind me just how good it can get_ **

****

**_Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you_ **   
**_Tell me you don't_ **   
**_It feels like you do_ **   
**_Looking like that, you'll open some wounds_ **   
**_How does it start?_ **   
**_And when does it end?_ **   
**_Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you_ **   
**_But is it too soon?_ **   
**_To know that I'm with you_ **   
**_There's nothing I can do_ **

****

****


	17. Have My Heart

**_Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Seventeen - Have My Heart _ **

 

**_ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3FVwCm1u8mA> _ **

  _ **(A song for the lovers - Richard Ashcroft)**_

 

“It’s time, Dixon. Got everything packed up?”

It was a guard that he got along with pretty well who arrived to get him moved out of his cell and onto the next frontier. Merle found that just letting his guard down and being polite could get anyone on his side and having people on his side for once was great.

He was led to the main holding area where he was given back his clothing from when he was taken in, and they didn’t fit.

Merle’s weight hadn’t changed much, but the little weight he was carrying around his middle was gone. What fat he had when he was admitted was replaced by hard muscle covering his entire body.

“What the hell do we put on him?” a female guard laughed.

“I think we can find him something in the prison shop,” another guard answered.

Soon he was fitted with a device around his ankle and a new pair of jeans with a white button-up shirt.

“Not bad!” Abe pronounced as he walked into the main area. “Not bad at all. So, you wanna work when you get outta here?”

“Hell yes,” Merle grinned.

“I talked to an old buddy in Davidson who needs an apprentice, and I told him you were the guy.”

“Seriously?”

“You earned it.”

Merle just stood there as Abe approached him and offered him a quick, friendly man-hug.

“I’ll pass on the info to your halfway house, and you start this week.”

“Thanks so much, man. Seriously, thank you.”

“Hey, like I said, you earned it.”

/

Andrea made the same drive she had so many times in the last six months, but this time was different. This time she was taking him with her. For the first time, she would be able to be alone with him. She wasn’t officially in charge of him, and nobody would know what they were going to do anyway.

She pulled up at the gates and looked once more at her face in the mirror, her skin was flushed, and the anxiety was so apparent.

Andrea wore her sexiest black dress with her black boots, her hair falling around her shoulders in loose waves and her body craving him like a hunger.

When she finally caught sight of him through some bars leading to the main holding area, she was set aflame. Merle looked incredible, and she couldn’t wait to hold him.

A man behind a desk explained to her where he was allowed to go with his ankle bracelet and what his curfew was. He had to be back at the halfway house facility by 9 pm, and he had to stay within the Davidson city limits. It was only 11 am so she had all day with him before he had to be back…she was going to use every single minute they had.

They kept it professional and friendly until he was in her car, they had to, but then it was just the two of them.

“Merle…”

“Andrea…”

She reached her hand over to touch his and his eyes closed for a moment.

“I can’t believe I’m here with you.”

“It’s been so long…and all I thought of was you for the last six months.”

“Me too, honey…can I take you out for lunch?” he asked.

Merle wanted to give her what an ordinary man would. He wanted to take her on a proper date, just like Phillip would.

“I’d love that,” she smiled.

Merle had the urge to take her right there in the car, but this date was a long time in the making, and he wanted to do it right, Andrea deserved that.

She drove them back to Davidson by noon and Merle scratched at the device on his ankle where it was itching his skin. Andrea pulled up outside the bar and grill where Merle suggested taking her and put the car in park.

“A real date with you, I’m so excited,” she grinned.

“You can’t see this, right? Like when my pant leg is down, does this thing show?”

Andrea knew that he was self-conscious of the device on his ankle and she had to assure him that she couldn’t care less if it did show. She moved closer to him then and touched his face softly.

“It doesn’t show, babe…but I couldn’t care less if it did. Wear shorts for all I care when you’re with me. I’m proud to be with you.”

“Well…thanks,” he smiled. “I just didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“You couldn’t embarrass me in a hundred years; you’re my boyfriend. I love you.”

“Yeah?”

Andrea frowned but was also grinning at his exclamation.

“Aren’t we together? Did you have someone else in mind?”

“Hell no! I just wasn’t sure. I don’t wanna take anything like that for granted.”

“You didn’t officially ask me to be your girlfriend, but I figured that since we’ve been AppleMusic sexting for a while, you’d be OK with it.”

“Andrea, you’re it for me. I’d marry you today if I could.”

“And you said you aren’t a romantic,” she winked as she moved in closer to kiss him.

His lips were as warm as the first kiss, and she didn’t regret for one second that she waited for him. He pulled her closer gently, and the kiss lingered but stayed simple…just lips meeting, eyes closed and two hearts reconnecting.

/

Merle walked her into the restaurant with his hand on her back, and it was just as he dreamed. He felt like a man again. Gone was the fool he had been, laying on the floor of a holding cell throwing up into a bucket.

“What can I get for you?” asked a chipper young waitress.

“Go ahead,” he urged.

Merle had money in his pocket, and he wanted to spend it on her. At $1 an hour for 20 weeks over five months that he had been working in the garage, he had $750 to his name. He spent a little of his money at the prison commissary on paper, envelopes, and stamps to write to her and new socks for working out.

“Just a lemonade to start, please.”

“Same,” he nodded.

When the waitress was gone, he couldn’t help mentioning her drink choice.

“You can have a drink, honey…I’m the one with a problem.”

“I don’t drink very much anyway. I think I’ve only had a couple of drinks since you’ve been away.”

“Just saying,” he smiled.

“I don’t want anything that could dull this moment,” she explained. “I waited so long for this.”

He loved the way she said things. She was never talking down to him; she was always talking to him as an equal even though he didn’t see them that way; it made him feel like a king.

They ordered a salad and steak cooked medium rare, and it was easily the best food he’d had since the special breakfast back at the facility.

“Did I mention that you look incredible?” she grinned. “You must have been working out like a madman in prison.”

“It was good for me, kept me busy and gave me something to work for. I heard they have a little gym room at the halfway house I’m going to, so that’s good.”

The waitress came around to check on them just as he said the words ‘halfway house’ and he flinched at the thought of a stranger hearing it. Andrea noticed, she noticed everything like she could read his mind.

Her hand moved across the table to touch him, and she gave him that smile he had waited six months to see.

“I told you, I don’t care who knows. It’s just you and me.”

“Just you and me,” he smiled.

“So…did you maybe want to come back to my place?” she broached under her breath like she was nervous.

Merle took a deep breath to calm his own nerves and nodded to her.

“I’ll go pay the check.”

“Thank you,” she smiled.

She didn’t mention again that she could pay, she let him be a man for her, and he loved that.

Merle paid the check for $42.75 with a $50 bill and walked away feeling good about it. He never tipped so much before, but he wanted to be more like the men she was used to.

Back in her car, she turned on some music, and they headed toward her home. Hearing songs that she played back at the facility in the free world gave him a funny sensation inside. The world was a brand-new place for him, a place where he was about to be alone with Andrea.

 

 _**I spend the night** _  
_**Yeah, looking for my insides in a hotel room** _  
_**Waiting for you** _

  
_**We're gonna make it tonight** _  
_**Yeah, something in the air tells me the time is right** _  
_**So we've better get it on** _

__

_**DJ, play a song for the lovers, tonight  
Please, play a song for the lovers, tonight ** _

 

Merle had no idea where she lived, even what kind of place she lived in, a house or apartment. He was nervous, and it must have shown.

“You OK? Am I rushing you?”

“No, I’m just afraid of doing something wrong. I can’t afford to fuck anything up with you.”

“You won’t,” she assured him. “It’s all going to be OK…no pressure. We can just talk if you want to.”

“I want more than conversation if you’re offering it, but just remember it’s been forever for me,” he winced.

“When two people are making love…things like that don’t matter. I just want to be with you.”

“That’s all I want too, that’s all I’ll ever want.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	18. How Lucky I Was

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Eighteen – How Lucky I Was _ **

 

K - Cigarettes After Sex

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXT2DLP6fP8>

 

Crush - Cigarettes After Sex

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGKrThYzxOc> 

* * *

 

Andrea pulled up outside her little house and Merle smiled at how unexpected it was; it looked like a cottage to him. There were flower beds all over the lawn, birdhouses in the trees and a welcome mat at the door. Her home looked like it was fresh out of a fairy tale and that felt appropriate given his situation. It wasn’t quite real as she took his hand and led him up the path to her door, but he was taking it all in like a gift.

“Your place is so…cute,” he smiled.

“It’s really girly, I know,” she giggled.

The living room had a floral couch, candles and fluffy pillows everywhere; she even had a cat.

“Are you allergic?” she asked.

“No, I’m good,” he smiled as he took a seat on her couch and the cat laid claim to his lap.

“Hitchens…shoo!” she winced. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Merle said, petting the cat’s head and insisting that Andrea not worry about it.

/

There was a quiet moment where everything felt awkward, and Andrea didn’t know how to approach him. The anticipation of finally being together was overwhelming. She wanted to be close and touch him, but after so long apart and picturing it so many times, she didn’t know how to begin.

She hit play on her record player to create a mood with some music, they always had music when they were together, and as hoped, it loosened them up.

 

_**I remember when I first noticed that you liked me back** _   
_**We were sitting down in a restaurant waiting for the check** _   
_**We had made love earlier that day with no strings attached** _   
_**But I could tell that something had changed** _

_**how you looked at me then**_  
  
_**Kristen, come right back**_  
 _ **I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed**_  
 _ **When you light the candle**_

****

“You have this on vinyl?” he asked.

“Yes. We listened to _Cigarettes After Sex_ a lot, didn’t we?”

“We sure did…”

The massive cat was rubbing his head aggressively against Merle’s chin, and Andrea found herself envying the closeness of her pet to Merle.

“Hitchens…go play with a toy or something,” she whispered as she moved closer to Merle. It just couldn’t wait anymore.

/

Merle urged the cat down to the floor and smiled as Andrea crawled toward him on the couch, close enough to touch. He turned to her, and she leaned in to kiss him softly just once.

A clock on the wall informed him that it was only 2 pm and that he still had 7 hours alone with her.

****

_**And I'm kissing you lying in my room**_  
 _ **Holding you until you fall asleep**_  
 _ **And it's just as good as I knew it would be**_  
 _ **Stay with me I don't want you to leave...**_  
  
_**Kristen, come right back**_  
 _ **I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed**_  
 _ **When you light the candle**_

__

She touched his face, and he was sure of everything for once. He was sure that he loved her and that nothing would ever be more important than making her happy.

“I’ve wanted you like this since that night on the rooftop,” she whispered as her lips touched his.

“I’ve wanted you since you held my hand in the hospital,” he answered as he felt her kiss move to his neck.

She was everywhere then, and he was free to receive every touch, every sensation. Six months of waiting was over, and she was so willing, so soft and perfect in his arms.

Andrea moved over him, and at first, that was good, he was a little apprehensive to take the upper hand first. He wanted to read the way she moved to know what to do.

/

He seemed a little stiff and unsure, but she presumed that it was only because he hadn’t been with anyone in a long time. She decided not to question it unless it lasted much longer.

His white dress shirt had to go, so she kissed from one ear to the other across the front of his neck as her fingers began on the buttons. She could feel his hands grip her black dress, and a little moan escaped his lips, so she knew he was there with her in the moment.

Andrea kissed slowly down his chest right to the waist of his new jeans as he leaned against the armrest of her couch. His flesh was hot against her lips, and he smelled so good that she also had to taste him.

Dragging her tongue from his navel to his neck pulled a low groan from deep inside him, and she smiled with her mouth against his skin.

/

 _Cigarettes After Sex_ continued and he didn’t know if he could take much more. He was painfully hard and trying desperately not to throw her down on the carpet and nail her right before of the curious eyes of Hitchens the cat.

 

 _ **I wanna line my walls with photographs you sent**_  
 _ **Of you lying in your swimsuit on the bed**_  
 _ **Can't live without your love inside me now**_  
 _ **I'll find a way to slip into your skin somehow**_  
  
_**I wanna fuck your love slow**_  
 _ **Catch my heart, go swim**_  
 _ **Feel your lips crush**_  
 _ **Hold you here my loveliest friend**_

****

****

The next thing he knew, she was settling herself on his lap just the way he had fantasized a hundred times before. Her dress rode up her open thighs, and he devoured the sensation of her soft skin against his open palms.

His hands moved higher and higher up her dress until they had settled on the perfect round cheeks of her ass. The weight of her against his dick made his blood burn through his veins. She filled his mouth with her sweet tongue over and over as they tried and failed to catch their breath. Merle had never known this kind of sexual experience. This was making love.

/

The pressure of his body heat between her thighs was pulling her to the window of a skyscraper. She knew she was going to fall, but just maybe she could fly, that was what it felt like anyway.

His strong hands pulled her down harder on his lap, and the rock-hard pressure of his erection against her panties was better than anything on earth. She needed to touch him.

“Can you do me a favor?” she purred.

“Anything.”

“Unzip my dress…it’s hard for me to reach.”

His fingers began to feel for the tiny black pull of her zipper, and she loved how eagerly he was seeking it. Finally, her back was exposed, and she started to pull her arms out of the upper portion of the dress. She had to get up to step out of it, but then she decided that maybe her bed was the next location for them.

“Come upstairs?” she breathed.

“Yeah.”

Andrea let her dress fall to the floor, and they kissed madly all the way up to her bedroom. He stopped once or twice to just press her to the wall and claim her mouth with his own, pulling one of her legs up around his hip and thrusting against her. There was fire all around them, and neither of them cared to put it out.

Merle lay her out on the bed, and she went for his belt with greedy hands.

/

Her warm little hand ripped at his belt and then she tore at the button of his fly. Andrea needed him in a way he didn’t quite expect. It was so evident that she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

When she finally touched him, he had to muster all his manhood not to cum all over her hand. Her grip around his cock was so needy and strong. When she stroked his dick, it felt like she had taken a class on exactly how he liked it.

Soon she was pulling his boxers down his legs, and he could just tell she was going to go for it. She licked his lower belly, his inner thighs and then slowly up the shaft of his dick. There was nothing like it.

“Good God, honey…that’s fuckin’ amazing.”

“Good, baby...just enjoy it then,” she purred.

Andrea sucked his cock so good he thought he’d go blind. There was sweet pressure from all angles as she closed her lips around his length, covering her teeth with her lips and taking him so deeply.

“Holy Christ, woman...Jesus!”

She would pause only briefly to run her wet lips up and down his dick and then take him back into her mouth all the way down to her throat. Merle knew it would feel good no matter what because it was her and he loved her, but he wasn’t prepared for this.

“Do you wanna have sex, honey?” he panted when it felt like the end was in sight.

“Of course,” she giggled.

“Then you gotta stop.”

/

Merle flipped her over so that he was on top and she didn’t know it then, but she was about to experience something completely brand new.

Her arms were raised over her head, and he kissed down each arm to her neck and chest. Merle took his time in bed, and she loved that.

“I never made love like this…I’m kinda making it up as I go along,” he explained as he licked the shell of her ear.

“It’s perfect, babe…just keep going.”

“It was never with anyone I loved before…it was never slow or good before.”

“It’s OK, baby…it’s just you and me.”

Merle seemed to let go of his inhibitions then and unfastened her bra to get to her skin. He was kneeling between her legs, and every muscle of his body was firm and primed to please her. Andrea had never felt so hot before.

She watched as his open mouth closed around her entire right nipple and then she felt his tongue moving against it as he sucked softly.

Her fingers ran through his short curls, and her pelvis moved up against him in need of friction and release.

Merle focused on only her breasts for a full 5 minutes or so as she writhed beneath him in only her panties, feeling the pressure of his throbbing hard dick against the cool, wet silk of her underwear.

She found herself somehow teetering on the edge of an orgasm, and he hadn’t even touched her south of her waist yet.

“Touch me,” she pleaded finally.

“Sorry, honey…am I taking too long?”

“You are so good that I can’t take it anymore,” she whined.

Merle’s lips moved down her body to her panties where he kissed her from her right hip to her left and then down between her legs to her pussy.

“I…oh my God, Merle…yessss!”

His mouth pressed to her lips through the silk, and she could swear that she was falling from the stars. His strong hands gripped her open thighs, and he moaned into her flesh like a demon.

She felt his tongue press against the wet crotch of her panties then, and she was gone. The soft, warm pressure of his tongue against her lips, adding just the right pressure to her clit was evil in a way she’d never known…she couldn’t take it one more second.

“Merle! Oh, Christ! Fuuuuuck!”

Andrea’s back arch off the bed, and she came apart with her panties on like a teenager, panting and whining out his name.

/

“Did you just-”

“Uh huh.”

Her arms were draped over her face, and he could tell she was embarrassed, but he was thrilled. He had never done anything like what he was doing with her before. Sex had always been a quick fuck in an alley or the bathroom of a bar. He never kissed a woman through her panties before; he was merely guessing what might feel good based on months of fantasy.

He just hoped that maybe he could get her to cum again.

“Do you still want to?”

“Yes. Of course,” she nodded. “You’re incredible, Merle…I never came that fast before.”

“Maybe we could get it to happen again,” he suggested as he pulled her soaked panties down her legs.

“I somehow think you could,” she winked.

Merle insisted on tasting her, and she didn’t mind one bit. She was so wet he was amazed, and she tasted so good he could drown in her cum happily.

Merle licked her lips slowly up and then slowly back down in a slight zigzag pattern, and she flinched only slightly at the sensation of his tongue against her sensitive clit. He touched her entrance teasingly as she reached down to brush his cheek and pull him closer by the back of his head. It was time.

“Andrea?”

“Yeah?”

“I couldn’t get any condoms in prison…and I didn’t know if this was gonna happen-”

“We don’t need it. Come here,” she said.

“You on something?” he asked.

“I’m on the pill, and I know more about your medical background than my own at this point,” she laughed.

Andrea had seen his medical file for the exams, and he was excited that she didn’t feel she needed protection…it would be so good to really feel her against his skin.

Merle moved over her and felt her feet come to rest on his lower back and her calves hugging his waist.

“You good?” he asked.

“Yes.”

Sliding into her was intense. She was tight, hot and soaking wet.

Merle’s face fell to the pillow at the side of her beautiful face, and an undignified grunt left his throat.

“Awwww fuckin’ hell, Andrea!” he groaned.

“You OK?” she giggled.

“Your pussy is a fuckin’ killer, woman!”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

He reached under her ass with his right hand and sank his dick even deeper inside her then, drawing a labored moan from them both at the same time.

He lay into her then over and over as the heat reach higher heights.

/

His dick was massive, and she had to relax to take him in. Merle Dixon was easily the best she’d ever had, and she even felt herself getting close again. The excitement of the way he filled her, how incredible he looked over her and the way he was grabbing her ass to thrust even deeper…it was the best sex of her whole life by a long shot.

He stretched her apart from every angle inside, causing sweet pressure all the way to her cervix.

“Harder, baby…don’t go easy on me…I can take it,” she cried out.

He growled then like an angry bear and gave her everything he had; she could tell that he had been trying to maintain some kind of gentleness with her.

“You want over six months of sexual frustration unleashed all over you?” he grinned down at her.

“Lay it on me, baby.”

“You’re gonna cum again.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“I said, you’re gonna cum again.”

Andrea didn’t know this side of him, but she was soon well acquainted.

Merle came down over her then and claimed her left nipple with his hungry mouth and then added his fingers to her clit.

He was still sheathed deep inside her, and with the addition of his fingers and his mouth, he was laying waste to her body.

The man was unbelievable. Her pussy began to milk the cum from his dick, and she cried out like he was hurting her, but they both knew damn well that she had never been better.

He eased up on her clit then, just leaving his fingers still for her as she raised her hips up toward him, thrusting for more when he couldn’t possibly get any deeper.

Merle bit the underside of her right breast in the heat of passion and she whined with surrender.

“Yes, babe! Oh, fuck yes! God damn it!”

Merle let it go then. He came into her with every ounce of lust he had. Merle was happier than he ever thought possible at that moment.

 

                ############################

 

 

The ceiling was being taken over by shadows, and that meant that he would have to go soon. The clock beside her bed said 7:23 and he sighed and pulled her in closer. Andrea’s hair was spilled all over his chest as she lay listening to his heartbeat and the whole world was at peace in Merle’s estimation.

“I love you,” he said.

There was nothing else he had to say more than that. He just needed her to know that one fact the most.

“I love you too.”

“This was the best day of my whole life. Just getting to be with you and making love to you…it couldn’t have been better.”

She yawned and kissed his chest before agreeing that it was the best day for her as well.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“How do you mean?”

“I think I bit you,” he winced.

“It wasn’t that hard; it’s OK. Kinda sexy actually,” she giggled.

“I never did that before, and I’ll try not to do it again,” he laughed.

Andrea came close to kiss him again and insisted that she wasn’t going anywhere over a little playful biting.

“I can’t believe I have a curfew…but at least I got to be with you.”

“I want to see a lot of you before your surgery.”

“You still scared about that?”

“I’m going to be scared about it until you’re back home in one piece.”

“I don’t mean to worry you.”

“I know. You did look into it more, though, right?”

“Yeah…there’s risks, but it’s OK. The doctors both say I’m in good shape and they think it’ll go fine.”

“Well, no matter what happens, I’ll be right by your side.”

“Thanks, honey…I couldn’t have done any of this without your help.”

They rested for a while longer, until Andrea had to take him to his new facility. She dropped him off in the lobby with a discreet squeeze of his hand and a promise that she’d come to see him the next evening after work. It wasn’t against any rules for her to be with him, but she didn’t want to advertise the fact to everyone in her field. She didn’t want people to think she was taking advantage of someone in her care.

“Goodnight,” she said softly.

“Goodnight. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

He was taken to his room by an addictions worker she recognized, and she nodded to him before turning to leave.

It wasn’t ideal, but they were together, and soon he could be with her all night, every night. She wasn’t giving up, and she’d never give in. Merle was meant to be with her, and someday they’d be 100% free to live their lives together. If only he didn’t have major surgery in his future. Andrea was starting to dread the whole thing; she just wanted him to be hers.

 

 


	19. That Will Never Change

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Nineteen - That Will Never Change  _ **

**__ **

Merle lay in bed at the new facility, and he couldn’t stop grinning to himself until past midnight. He could still taste her on his tongue, feel her in his arms. Everything had been worth it, and he was excited about the future.

Merle was introduced very quickly to the head of the halfway house before turning in. Shane was a former cop turned rehabilitations worker, and he didn’t expect to have any problems with him. Merle asked about the rules and said that he could be counted on to follow them, Shane seemed more than happy with that. After looking over his record from prison, Shane said they would get along just fine.

/

In the morning, Shane spoke to him a little about the shop he’d be working at, and Merle couldn’t wait to be a real working man and start working toward his own place. Life was coming up roses for once.

“You start tomorrow for orientation,” Shane explained over breakfast in the large kitchen with the other inmates. “I can take you shopping for work clothes if you need it.”

“Sure. I got some money from the prison, and I could use a couple things for work,” Merle nodded.

The food at the halfway house was insanely good, and Merle ate like a king. A woman in the facility, whose name he didn’t catch, made him an omelet with toast and fruit and he wolfed it like he’d been starving for months.

“Big appetite,” she winked when he came to take his clean plate.

“Was delicious, thanks.”

“No problem.”

He planned to have a good workout after shopping for work clothes, Shane had shown him the gym room that morning, and he was impressed. It stunned Merle that a place for criminals would be so nice and accommodating, but he wasn’t about to complain.

He sat next to Shane in his truck later that morning on the way to a local mall, and the conversation was casual.

“So, you’re with Andrea?” Shane asked.

“Yeah, you know her?”

“We’ve worked together in the system a lot.”

“She’s a special woman,” Merle smiled.

“She is. When I heard it through the grapevine that she was seeing a patient, I wondered what the hell she was thinking, but after meeting you, I kinda get it.”

“Thanks?” Merle chuckled.

“I was worried that she’d caught feelings for some hopeless bad boy, but you strike me as a man with a real future.”

“That’s the plan. I want to show her that she’s not wasting her time with me. I’ll do everything I can to prove that.”

“Good. Cause if you mess with her, you’ll have a problem with me,” Shane warned.

Merle couldn’t help laughing then.

“What the hell is so funny?” Shane growled.

 

“I’m not laughing at you, man. It’s just that I’ve had this warning before, seems every man in town is looking out for her. It’s a good thing, just kinda funny cause I’d die before I ever hurt that woman.”

Shane eased up, and Merle could tell they’d be pals, he was suddenly great at getting people on his side after going to prison.

He wondered who he could have been if he’d been raised in a different family. With a supportive father and maybe a little better family income, he could have been anything. Now he was a 38-year-old man starting from scratch, but he was still grateful.

They spent the whole afternoon out and about town, just laughing and joking like normal men, and he loved that. Merle picked up new coveralls, steel-toed boots, a new pair of jeans and some good work socks for his new job. He was excited like it was the first day of school. Now that he was medicated properly, his happiness and sadness both stayed within a comfortable range. He was grateful to no longer feel out of control so often.

/

That evening, Andrea arrived to see him at 6 pm, and he was happy to leave the facility for a few hours.

“What did you do today?” she asked when they settled in back at her house.

“Shane took me to get some work clothes for my apprenticeship; then I got in a quick workout later this afternoon. How was your day?”

“Good. I think I spent the whole day in an afterglow,” she winked.

“So, I still got it?” he grinned.

“Oh yeah, it’s all I can do not to jump you right now.”

“Damn…you can jump me any old time you like.”

Life was a dream, and as she moved closer to him, he knew it would only get better. Now that the apprehension was gone, it was lust and fire without any of the fear. Merle knew that she wanted it and he didn’t have to hold back anymore.

He figured they’d spend more time talking later in the relationship again; they had already talked so much…what they lacked was body on body contact.

She pulled her shirt over her head and straddled his lap so fast that his dick went from flaccid to hard in under a minute.

He grabbed her ass in both hands through the thin cotton of her leggings, and she ground herself against him.

“Please don’t think I’m using you for your body…I just needed you for so many months…it felt like forever,” she whispered.

“Use me all you like, honey…we can always talk later,” he growled, pulling her down harder against the raging manhood in his jeans.

Her bra was quickly unfastened and tossed aside as he pulled her chest close and lay his cheek against her skin. Merle just closed his eyes then, her soft, warm flesh pressed to his cheek, and listened to her heartbeat. She could tell what he was doing then and wrapped her arms around his head, just letting the moment spill out before them naturally.

“You’re everything to me, honey…everything.”

“And you’re everything to me,” she whispered back.

/

Up in her bedroom, she lay out before him on the bed as she watched him undress. He was the most beautiful person she’d ever seen, and she knew that she’d never want anyone else then. The feeling both thrilled and terrified her. Andrea didn’t want him to get the surgery, and she felt the urge to beg him not to, but she couldn’t do it in the middle of making love. She decided that her worries could wait.

“You look so good it’s almost evil,” she sighed as he revealed more of his body to her.

He just smiled at her, and she loved that he wasn’t telling her to stop or arguing that he wasn’t that great looking…it was progress.

/

There was nothing like the way she looked underneath him; she looked up at him like he was all she ever wanted. He kissed her neck, chest, and belly as she whined and cried out his name and he knew it would never get better.

His rough hands roamed all over her silky skin, and soon he was yanking down her leggings and panties to taste her. If the night before was any indication, she was a loose cannon with her orgasm and easily provoked. He wanted to make her cum with his mouth.

Merle licked her closed lips slowly and thoughtfully, paying attention to the way she breathed and the way she moved. Her legs opened wider then, and his big hands claimed her open thighs as his tongue delved even further between her folds.

“Oh my God, baby…you make me see stars when you do that,” she almost wept.

He wanted to marry her, make her his own for life, he wanted her pregnant and big with his babies…Andrea was absolutely everything to him.

He moved slow and gentle, trying to show her he was no one-trick pony and get her there steady and with skill.

/

His tongue moved like an ocean wave rising up from her entrance to her clit and cresting with a wet kiss across her southern lips before starting all over again. Both her hands clung to his head as he worked, and she arched her back desperately as it came to the crescendo.

He could evidently tell that she was getting there, and she felt his fingers enter her teasingly as she balanced on the edge…the floodgates bursting open and music reaching the highest of heights. Merle Dixon was an unbelievable lover.

“Don’t stop,” she pleaded even though she knew he wouldn’t, but it felt like if he did, she would die.

He gently sucked her clit then and curled his fingers up toward her belly. She toppled off the edge and into the flames and enjoyed the journey down.

Andrea couldn’t make words then; even sounds were unintelligible as her body gave itself over to him. Her back was arched completely off the bed, and he stayed right there clinging to her thighs with those rough work-weathered perfect hands. The contractions inside her could be felt all the way from where his tongue was still sliding all over her pussy to her uterus like he owned her entire womanhood for those 30 seconds.

/

“You OK?” he grinned.

A full minute later she was still twitching inside and laying wrecked on the bed beside him.

“How the hell do you do that? I mean…I knew it would be good but, Jesus!”

“All I wanna do is please you, honey.”

“I couldn’t have dreamed you up more perfectly.”

Just like that, she was on top of him and kissing him down his body to his dick.

What Merle wanted more than anything was to have her riding him, so he pulled her over top of him after only a short blow job.

“Take me, honey. Ride me good,” he begged, and she happily obliged.

Her golden blonde hair fell over her face as she moved on him, riding his cock like a she-devil. Her hands lay flat on his chest as her full hips circulated in that perfect rhythm. The way she took him in, let him halfway out and then claimed his cock again was evil, pure sinful evil.

He was suddenly afraid then, for the first time since the idea came to him, of dying.

What if he died in surgery when he had finally found the woman of his dreams?

“You OK?” she asked when she could sense a change in him.

She could read him so easily.

“I’m perfect, honey…I’m so good. Please, don’t stop.”

She grinned down at him then and continued, and he made a point to remember everything about the way it felt. The waves of pleasure just kept coming and the way she looked, her head thrown back in sexual abandon…it was heaven.

/

“Wish you could stay?” she whispered as the minutes ticked by.

“It’ll only be six weeks and then I can,” he assured her.

“And when is the surgery?”

“I’m having a consultation with Jacqui’s nephrologist in a week…she’ll be there too.”

“Wow! Do you want me to come with you?”

“Would you?”

“Of course, I will.”

“Thanks, I know she’s not angry with me, but still, I’m nervous.”

“Just remember, you can always back out of this if you want to,” she said.

Merle knew that she was uncomfortable with it, and the feeling was rubbing off. Still, he didn’t know what to say. He had promised to help a woman who was only in a medically fragile situation because of him. Maybe the man he was now would never do such a thing, but the man he was then did.

“You don’t have to say anything, just remember that.”

“OK.”

“I just worry about you.”

He had to say something, and he knew that he could be honest with her. She was maybe the only one he could say anything to.

“I’m scared of dying…I don’t want to lose you now that I found you,” he answered. “I don’t think I could live with myself if I backed out, though. If I’m going to have a life with you, then I need to put Jacqui’s life back to normal in whatever way I can first.”

“I understand.”

“I don’t believe that I met you and fell so hard in love for nothing though, I think maybe someone up there is lookin’ out for me.”

Maybe it was a massive cat face on the moon; maybe it was God.

“Will you…”

She began to ask him something, but then stopped, and he had to know why.

“Will I what?”

“I might be asking this too soon…I don’t know.”

“Ask me.”

Nothing was too soon for him; she owned him as far as he was concerned.

“Would you maybe like to…move in with me after you get out of the halfway house?”

Merle rolled over to look in her eyes, and he could see that she meant it, but he still had to ask.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I’d love to live with you, honey…damn, just the idea of seeing your beautiful face first thing every morning and sharing my life with you…damn,” he sighed. “That’s the greatest thing you could have asked me.”

He only had 40 minutes before the device around his ankle would signal his disobedience to the authorities, but he had enough time to pin her to the bed for a good kiss, so he did just that.

“I love you, babe.”

Merle loved it when she called him babe or sometimes even baby. He felt like he belonged to her and he never wanted to be set free. He didn’t know who he would be or what he would do if he ever lost her, she was everything he had. There was only one reasonable way to say it.

“I love you too much, honey.”

“Too much?” she frowned.

“I love you to the point that it probably ain’t good for me, cause my whole heart is wrapped up in being with you, and if I lose you I’ll have nothing…but I can’t help feeling this way,”

“Babe…you won’t ever lose me.”

 

 

 

 

 


	20. Love You Till I Die

 

 

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twenty – Love You Till I Die _ **

 

He was dropped off bright and early at Stookey Auto & Brake by Shane and stood on the curb out front with his heart in his throat. If this job didn’t work out, he’d have trouble pulling his own weight in the world and he had to show Andrea that he could do that.

“You Merle?”

He looked up to see a medium height, medium build, handsome man who introduced himself as Bob Stookey.

“That’s me. Nice to meet you.”

“Abe told me all about you, says you know your way around a shop.”

“I know a bit and I’m eager to learn more.”

“Sounds good to me. You wanna change some oil? Nothing challenging but it’s all I got right now.”

“You got it, Sir.”

Merle wanted to make a good impression and show Bob that he knew his place, but Bob wasn’t having it.

“Just Bob will do,” he chuckled.

Merle got started on the car in the first bay and wasted no time getting his hands dirty.

By 10 am another mechanic came in and he ended up spending the rest of the day working with a man named Jim. Merle loved being a normal guy and wished he’d pulled his head out of his own ass years before. The comradery of the workplace, the satisfaction of a hard day’s work, the banter over coffee breaks…it beat the hell out of waking up in jail feeling like death.

/

He was just getting back from afternoon coffee when Bob called him into the office.

“Yes, Mr. Stookey?” he smiled as he walked in.

“Bob is just fine, Merle.”

“Sorry…Bob.”

“I spoke with Abe earlier this week and he says you’ll be needing time off for surgery.”

“Uh…yes. I’m sorry about that.”

“A transplant.”

“Yes. It’s a long story, but I have a serious debt to pay to a very good woman and it’s really important that she gets my kidney.”

“Merle…Jacqui is my cousin.”

“Shit,” he winced.

Merle had a feeling that the job was now over, and he would have to go crawling to the unemployment office.

“It’s OK. I talked to her about you.”

Bob was still standing and looking down at him with an expression he couldn’t place. Merle had no idea what to say, so he said nothing.

“You wrote her a letter when she was in hospital.”

“Yes. It was all I could do at the time, but now I can do more so I want to do this.”

“I knew about this when I agreed to take you on, I just thought we should talk about it. I figured you should know who I am.”

“I’m meeting with the kidney specialist and your cousin next week…I’m terrified to meet her.”

“She’s an angel.”

“She must be if she forgave the likes of me,” Merle agreed.

“Her husband still hates you, but her son and daughter support her completely.”

“I don’t blame her husband for hating me, I still hate what I did.”

“I think he’ll come around if she makes it through this transplant.”

“I hope so, but I can live with him hating me as long as she lives.”

“It was good of you to offer this, Merle.”

“Thanks, but I can never take away the pain she went through, the time she spent away from her family, or the fact that she has to go through major surgery.”

“My cousin Jacqui is one tough lady, she’ll be OK.”

“Thanks for giving me this chance to work here…I’m going to work my ass off for you,” Merle insisted.

“Good to hear, maybe you can get Jim moving too,” he laughed.

/

“I can’t believe he’s her cousin,” Andrea exclaimed when Merle told her about the strange coincidence that evening.

“Almost nothing surprises me anymore,” he chuckled.

It was 8 pm and the sky was a deep blue velvet canvas overhead with millions of diamonds stitched onto it. After a cool glass of homemade iced tea, they were laying on a blanket in her backyard together. Merle pointed out all the constellations within their view and explained where many of the names originated. Andrea hung on his every word and he felt good about himself, he felt smart.

A cool breeze blew her hair over her cheek and he rolled onto his side to look at her face in profile.

“And to think I could have missed all of this…you were right when you said there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but you didn’t say that the light was you.”

“You kill me with the things you say sometimes,” she uttered.

“You OK?”

“I’m just emotional…got my period this morning,” she sighed.

“Never been with a woman long enough for her to get one of those…what do I do?” he inquired.

“How do you mean?”

“Do I rub your back, or feet, or bring you chocolate?”

“Just hold me and don’t let me go.”

Her music was only faintly audible from inside the house, but it was still getting to her. ‘Round Here’ by The Counting Crows was the wrong song for how fragile she felt, but she knew it was safe to fall apart with Merle. She was a bundle of hormones and anxiety over Merle’s upcoming surgery and nothing would solve it but a good cry.

Andrea couldn’t stop thinking of the surgery. Every time they were alone, she imagined something going wrong. She had no reason to think he wouldn’t make it, but her mind was like an endless loop of negative outcomes nonetheless.

Merle pulled her into his arms on the grass and her head rested on his chest as she listened to his heart and the sound of his breathing.

“I never dared to wish for anything like what I got with you,” he sighed. “I didn’t know I could feel this happy.”

Andrea couldn’t speak. Maybe it was hormones, but everything he said made her want to cry. Fortunately, he was in a mood to ramble and didn’t seem to expect a response.

“In prison, I thought about doing stuff like this with you and it kept me going. There was always this little shadow of doubt in my mind that maybe you’d find someone else…but you told me to believe and when it came right down to it, I did believe you. Something about how you looked at me and the way you touched me told me you were telling me the truth. You’re the first person I could ever trust besides Daryl.”

“I’ll never lie to you, babe.”

There was so much more to say, but she was already tearing up.

“Honey…you crying?”

“Don’t worry about it,” she smiled with her cheek still pressed to his chest. “This is all just part of having a girlfriend with raging hormones.”

Merle rolled her onto her back then and looked down at her with a concerned expression.

“What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

“Of course not…it’s just me worrying again.”

“I’m gonna be OK and I’m gonna spend the whole rest of my life loving you, you hear me?” he grinned.

“You better,” she winced.

“For me this is true love just like in the storybooks. I never thought I’d get to have anything like you in my life. I’d claw my way back from hell to get to you, honey. Nothing’s gonna stop me being with you.”

“But-”

“Andrea, nothing can keep us apart…not even death.”

“Jesus! Merle! Don’t say that! What’s wrong with you?”

“I thought it was romantic,” he shrugged.

She was full on blubbering then and he was starting to learn all about women and periods.

_Do not bring up death in an effort to be romantic!_

“I’m sorry, honey! Come here, I didn’t mean it like that. Come here,” he begged, and she fell back into his arms pretending to pout.

“You owe me chocolate now, mister!”

“You got it, honey. Kitkats as far as the eye can see,” he vowed.

 

 


	21. Everything I Have

**_ *Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twenty – Everything I Have _ **

**__ **

The first Saturday Merle had off at the facility was a sunny late September day, and he was just wondering how to spend it when Shane hollered for him that he had a call.

“Andrea?” he asked as he took the phone from his hand.

“Nope, it’s a man,” Shane answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, man. Andrea says you got the day off.”

Merle grinned at hearing his brother’s voice; his life was like Christmas morning every day now.

“Daryl! Hey!”

“So, I just headed all the way here from Atlanta with your old piece of shit fishing pole from back in the day, and I’m having a cup of coffee with your girl. What’s say we go do some fishing?”

“Hell yeah, just a second here.”

Merle figured he should double check that he was allowed to go first. The nearest lake was 5 miles away, and he needed to know if his new ankle jewelry would allow it.

“Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“My brother’s down here from Atlanta, and he asked if I can go fishing…can I?”

“Can I trust you not to try taking off?” Shane asked.

“I got Andrea here and my job, and I got surgery coming up, I ain’t going anywhere.”

“Go on,” Shane smiled. “Just be back for 9 pm and remember that you have to stay within a 15-mile radius of town. If that ankle device goes off, I can’t even help you there.”

“No problem, thanks.”

Merle returned his attention back to the phone and decided to make a joke.

“Daddy says I can go! Come pick me up, brother.”

Shane threw an apple at Merle’s head, and everyone else in the facility broke out in laughter.

“I’ll show you a daddy in a minute,” Shane hollered. “Get the hell outta here ya creep!”

/

Merle stood on the front steps of the halfway house waiting for Daryl like a kid awaiting a visit from their favorite uncle. It was embarrassing to be picked up at a halfway house, but Merle was getting used to eating humble pie, he had developed a taste for it in fact. Humble pie often came with a great big scoop of happiness, so it was all worth it.

A big black truck pulled up, and Merle watched his brother lean across the seat to open the door for him. This is just what he wanted from life.

“Come on!” Daryl called, and soon they were on the highway together, heading to the lake for a whole day of fishing.

“Thanks for this, man,” Merle said, hoping to start a real conversation.

“Don’t even mention it, it’s nice to get away for a day.”

“So, how’s life as a family man?” Merle asked.

“Good. It’s busy and having a little girl in this world turns a man’s hair grey before his time, but it’s all good.”

“You sure did good for yourself, brother.”

“Thanks. You’re pulling it back on course though too.”

“Finally.”

“Andrea sure is a doll,” Daryl noted as he changed lanes. “She’s nuts about you.”

“What did she say?” Merle inquired casually.

“Just that she’s proud of you and that you two were getting a lot closer…she even said you’re moving in.”

“I still can’t believe she asked me that,” Merle sighed. “Andrea saved my life, and now she wants to take me in…she might be crazy.”

“How do you mean?”

“Just that she’s taking a chance on me. If you think of my whole past and all-”

“No, I mean about her saving your life.”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“It was back when I was in her facility…I tried to kill myself.”

“Merle!”

“I know, I know…but I was sick, and I wasn’t getting any kind of treatment for it.”

“You ain’t gonna try that again, are you?”

“Hell no, I’m feeling so much better now, and I see a doctor on the regular. Why?”

“Cause I don’t want you dead! Also, Sophia is so excited to have an uncle that I don’t want her to finally get one and then lose him.”

“It was a while ago now, and I haven’t even considered it since. I’m good now, Daryl, I promise.”

“Damn, I didn’t know it was that bad.”

“It’s in the past now. All I’m thinking of is the future, and it’s all comin’ up roses for me these days.”

“That’s awesome, man…I’m proud of you.”

“So, how're things with Carol?”

“Great, I think she’s hinting at having a baby together.”

  
Merle wanted to be part of his family, he wanted to be invited over for Christmas, but he didn’t want to push, so he hinted instead of asking directly.

“I bet you’re a great dad…I’d like to see that someday.”

“Then get your ass to Atlanta when you’re allowed to leave town,” Daryl teased. “Think you’ll be off the leash by the holidays?”

“I think so.”

Merle had the invite he wanted, and he pictured taking Andrea along to meet his family. Life was but a dream.

They didn’t end up speaking about the past, or childhood, or anything else the whole day and Merle decided that he didn’t care to. Maybe dredging up the past wasn’t necessary, maybe they could just start over. They both knew about the past, and it was over now, what mattered was the future.

On the way back to the facility, Merle picked up burgers for them at a little stand with picnic tables out front.

“Surgery coming up then?” Daryl asked.

“Early October maybe…gonna be in rough shape for a bit I think. I did some research, and I guess it’ll be a tough one.”

“You can still back out.”

“Nah…I gotta put it right.”

“Lemme know if there’s anything you need OK? Me and Carol will come see you when you go into hospital.”

“That would be great. It sure is nice to have family again.”

“We’re all we got,” Daryl commented.

“It’s more than enough for me.”

Daryl crumpled up the paper from his cheap greasy supper and smiled up at his older brother.

“Me too, man. I’m glad to have you back.”

/

“So, how did it go?”

“It was great. We didn’t catch a damn thing, but it was great. We didn’t talk about anything bad; it was just fishing in peace.”

“That’s good. Sometimes it’s nice to just leave it be,” Andrea noted.

“He did mention getting together for Christmas, though. What do you normally do for Christmas?”

“My family isn’t local so nothing much.”

“Would you maybe come up to Atlanta with me then? I got a little niece there and a sister in law I’d love to get to know better.”

“I’d love to,” she smiled.

“Still can’t believe how sweet everything’s going now…”

Andrea could sense that something was up then, something was different.

“Merle?”

“Am I crazy to do this kidney thing?” he mused.

“Please, don’t ask me that,” she winced.

“I was just thinking that…I have everything I ever wanted now. I just…”

Andrea sighed and wanted to tell him to give the whole thing up; she wanted to tell him that it wasn’t worth the risk and that she needed him alive and well…but she didn’t want to sway his decision. This was a decision that only he could make.

“Merle…I will support you no matter what you decide, but I can’t tell you what to do.”

“I know. I just need to sleep on it some more I think. I’m meeting with Jacqui and the doctor this week coming up.”

“Babe, it’s going to be OK.”

Andrea pulled him closer on the couch, and he flopped his head in her lap. The thoughts in his head were exhausting him.

“Hey…you don’t have to decide right now,” she whispered.

“Can you rub my back?” he asked, looking up at her from her lap. “I’m fuckin’ stressed.”

“Of course, babe…just breathe and don’t worry about it right now.”

“Thanks, honey.”

He loved being touched by her, even something as little as her hand on his back could calm him. Merle closed his eyes and prayed for the right answer to come to him.

 

 

 


	22. See If I Can Fly

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twenty-Two – See If I Can Fly  _ **

**__ **

Merle had never laid eyes on the woman he injured but if Bob was any indication of her appearance, she was likely African American. The first time he saw her face, he was blown away by her eyes and her smile, she was beautiful. Andrea was holding his hand in the waiting room of the surgeon’s office in Atlanta when Jacqui walked in with her husband and he just knew it was her.

“Merle?” she asked in a soft voice, walking straight toward him.

“Yeah…Jacqui?”

“That’s me,” she smiled.

Andrea introduced herself and so did Jacqui’s husband, but Merle couldn’t take his eyes off of Jacqui.

“Have you been waiting long?” she asked. “We had a heck of a time finding parking today.”

“We’ve been waiting about 45 minutes,” Andrea answered when Merle failed to. “You know how doctors can be.”

“True,” Jacqui’s husband Theodore answered. “Hope she’s a good surgeon anyway.”

“I read that she’s one of the best,” Andrea answered, hoping to reassure him.

Jacqui nodded for Merle to follow her into the hallway and he obeyed her under the harsh, suspicious glare of her husband.

“Merle, I want to thank you for coming today,” she said softly.

Merle could feel warmth just radiating off of her. Jacqui was obviously a good woman that deserved good health. He knew that he was committed to the surgery 100% in that moment.

“I’m happy to be here,” he said. “I’m ready to do this.”

“Are you sure? I want you to know that you can still walk away.”

“I’m positive, Mrs. Davis. I want this.”

“My children wanted me to tell you thank you for them…it turns out that my daughter is expecting a child this year,” she smiled.

“Congratulations! I hope you’re feeling more like yourself again by the time the baby comes.”

“You’re a good man…you didn’t have to do this,” she said.

“I really want to do this; I’m just sorry that you have to go through any of this in the first place.”

“The Lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” she grinned. “This isn’t going to stop me, Mr. Dixon.”

“You’re a tough cookie,” he grinned back. “Bob was right about you.”

“You better believe it. You tough too?”

“Women are way better with pain than men, but I’ll try not to be a total wuss.”

Jacqui laughed then, and Merle loved the way her eyes squinted up as she did, she was just as lovely as he imagined, and he couldn’t wait to just get the surgery going. He wanted her to have her life back.

/

They were called into the office, and the consultation felt like it was mostly in Greek to Merle. There was a lot of medical terminology and he couldn’t help noting that Theodore was glaring at him from across the room. The doctor looked very young to Merle, but Andrea had told him that Dr. Sasha Williams was more than qualified and experienced from all the research she had done.

“Do you have any questions, Mr. Dixon?” Dr. Williams asked.

“When can we do this?”

“I can schedule the surgery for October 6th. My surgical transplant team is all organized, and we are ready to go when you are.”

Merle nodded and asked Jacqui if that date worked for her too.

“I’m in,” she smiled.

“Let’s do this, Dr. Williams,” he nodded.

/

Andrea drove him back to Davidson, and she could feel that his spirit was changed by the experience, she just knew there was no more doubt for him.

“You OK?” she asked when she realized he hadn’t said anything yet.

“I’m good now; I’m happy about it.”

“Then I support you, babe. I’m always going to worry, and I wish this wasn’t happening, but I support you.”

“Seeing your face when I wake up is all I’m living for now. I’m scared, but I feel sure about it anyway…does that make sense?”

“It makes a lot of sense.”

It was only 2 pm, and he didn’t have to be back at the halfway house for hours, so she asked him what he wanted to do for the rest of the afternoon.

Merle gazed out the window and grinned as his eyes settled on an old red barn. He was feeling cheeky for the first time in ages.

“You wanna pull the car over and make love in the loft of that old barn?” he teased.

“Yes.”

“Seriously?”

“Hell yeah, let’s live a little,” she winked.

Andrea needed to grab life with both hands while he was free to be hers and still feeling strong. She pulled the car off the highway and onto the dusty grid road toward the clearing of trees where the old barn stood minding its own business for probably the last hundred years.

Tires came to a gravelly halt at the front doors of the old structure, and she leaned across the seats to pull him into a passionate kiss.

“I can’t believe you’re taking me up on this!” he grinned.

“Come,” she urged.

Andrea felt alive with lust and joy as she burst from the driver’s side of the car and ran through the barn door with Merle hot on her heels. She squealed as he grabbed at her ankles on her way up the ladder to the loft. It was a moment she was planning to hang onto.

“Gonna get ya, honey.”

“Well, come on then bad boy,” she giggled.

The loft was dusty and filled with loose Timothy hay, but a bright sunbeam was shining down through cracks in the old roof, and it may as well have been a 5-star hotel to them.

Merle pulled her close and kissed her slow and strong for a few minutes before laying her down on the hay in the sunshine.

“This is crazy,” he panted as he went for her neck with his hungry mouth.

“This is just what I need, baby…I need you so bad.”

Merle pulled her cardigan back off her shoulders and buried his face in her chest, breathing her in and biting at the thin tank top keeping him from her bare skin.

The heat of the Georgia sun and their love conspired to burn them both alive, but they eagerly danced among the flames regardless.

They wrestled the clothing from each other’s bodies, and Andrea kissed him everywhere. From his forehead, down his neck to the hard plain of his abdomen…Andrea worshipped every inch of him.

“Damn, honey…how did I ever win your heart?” he mused as she ran her soft cheek against his inner thigh.

“Just by being you, babe. You’re the only one for me.”

He touched her face and then she was down on him, taking him into her mouth in the sunshine. She loved pleasing him, he could feel it in her touch and her enthusiasm. Andrea loved him just like he loved her and that’s when he decided to propose, but he was going to do it in a letter. There was so much he had to say, and he wanted her to remember every word.

She crawled onto his lap then and teased him with her slippery, needy womanhood as he kissed his way across her chest from one shoulder to the other.

“Don’t want me to go down on ya?” he growled.

“I just want you inside me, baby…I can’t wait.”

With that, she sank down on his dick, and his strong hands gripped her waist with a wicked release of tension.

“Sweet Jesus! Nothin’ feels as good as you, honey…that pussy could be weaponized.”

She rode him smooth and held his face with her little hand, looking right into his eyes until the sensation began to overtake her.

Merle claimed her breasts with his mouth and held her hips tight, pulling her down on his dick like he needed her just to breathe.

“Damn, honey….Mmmmm….oh yeah,” he growled as the heat pulled him under.

“You fuck me so good, baby. Your dick feels so fuckin’ good!” she whined and so he rolled her under him to take it home.

He held her legs up and open for his viewing pleasure and licked his fingers to bring her to the finish line all over his dick.

His wet fingers met with her clit then, and she arched her back deep, her eyes rolling back into her head as he continued to nail her.

“Don’t stop, Merle….” she hissed and then he felt it falling down around them.

Her body clenched once and then again before a sweet series of inner fluttering inside her drew him to the brink as well.

“Oh fuck! Mmmmm…oh hell yes!” he groaned out loud like nobody else existed on Earth.

It never felt better in all his life, and he never felt so loved.

/

An hour later he was still laying with his face pressed to her chest in the sunshine. Merle never wanted to leave that barn.

“I can’t wait for you to move in,” she sighed as she ran her fingers through his returning curls.

“I haven’t had a real home in years.”

“Your home is with me now,” she breathed. “I’m never letting you go.”

He breathed in deep, kissed her right in the middle of her chest, and buried his face between her breasts again.

“And I’m never letting you go either…I need you more than I ever needed anything, honey.”

/

They drove back to town on a cloud, and Merle just knew that everything was going to be OK. He had everything he ever wanted. How could anything go wrong now?

 

 


	23. When I Wake Up

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twenty-Three – When I Wake Up _ **

**_ You must play this song:)  _ **

 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zyv8hRy3os>

Merle visited Axel in prison with Andrea the weekend before surgery, and they handed over Merle’s iPod Nano to him. Merle loved music in prison, and he liked the idea of keeping in touch with Axel via playlist titles. 

As the days ticked by, he pushed away his anxiety and tried to stay positive, but it wasn’t always easy. His time at the halfway house was drawing to an end, and he was looking forward to living with Andrea. She was clearing out the garage for him so that he could have a man cave to himself to work on cars; the whole thing left him dismayed but excited.

                        ##################

The night before surgery finally arrived, and he wasn’t allowed to eat anything after 11 pm. He had to spend the night before in the hospital for preparation for such a major surgery, and he was nervous about the number of doctors who needed to be involved. Kidney transplant was no joke, and there were extra specialists in town just to be part of the transplant team. Jacqui’s gofundme had come through with flying colors, everyone in her church and beyond had donated, and so the surgery was covered on both ends.

Andrea was allowed to spend the night with him in hospital; she didn’t want to leave his side for even a moment. Andrea would be spending the rest of her nights in a cheap motel until she could bring Merle back home to Davidson. Daryl brought Carol to say hello before the surgery, but they decided to bring Sophia afterward because the hospital could be a bit much for her to deal with. They didn’t want her uncle to be anxious or in pain when they met.

“Carol is so nice,” Andrea noted as they lay in bed that night.

“She’s perfect for Daryl; he’s lucky to have her.”

“I can’t believe it’s happening in the morning.”

“I know…me neither.”

“You scared?”

“Yes, but I’m doing it anyway.”

“I’m not leaving the hospital until you wake up,” she vowed.

“They said it'd take at least three hours.”

“Dr. Williams has done this before, and she’s never had an issue yet. You’re both going to be fine,” Andrea assured him, praying that she wasn’t telling him fables.

Merle thought about the letter he had written her earlier that day when Andrea had gone to eat lunch with Carol. He wondered if it would just upset her or if she would appreciate the honesty. The last thing he wanted was to make her upset, especially if he didn’t make it.

He barely slept that night, and neither did Andrea. They chatted about everything they’d been through, what they wanted for the future and played music for most of the night. Merle just held her close and told himself that he’d be back in her arms the next day after surgery, ready to start their life together, ready for his fresh start.

/

“Good morning, Mr. Dixon…Mr. Dixon?”

“Mmmm,” he grumbled as a nurse approached him, and Andrea awoke.

“It’s time to get ready, Mr. Dixon.”

The surgery was scheduled for early morning, and it was only 6:45 am as they were waking him up.

“OK.”

“We’re just here to put in your IV and catheter for surgery,” the young woman notified him, but his eyes were still closed, and he didn’t comprehend it.

“My what now?” he grumbled.

“Uh…your catheter and your IV. I’ll just be right back in a moment; I need to grab my aide.”

Merle watched the girl disappear behind a curtain and turned to Andrea who was now standing next to the bed and digging in her purse for her phone.

“Honey?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a catheter?”

Andrea grinned and realized that Merle had never had surgery before and was in for some rude awakenings.

“They need to put a tube into your bladder for the surgery to collect urine…it’ll probably stay in for a few days after surgery too.”

“How to they plan to get something in my bladder?” he laughed and then it dawned on him. “You mean?”

“Yeah…it’s not that bad, I swear,” Andrea assured him. “I had one when I had surgery once; it sounds worse than it is.”

“That nurse looks young enough to be my kid! She ain’t coming anywhere near my dick,” he winced.

“Babe, she’s a professional. They’ve done this before. It’s gonna be OK; I can stay right here if you want.”

“Yeah, please don’t leave me alone with these maniacs,” he begged.

“I’m not going anywhere. You’ll be fine I swear. They do this all the time,” she insisted.

“Fuckin’ hell,” he frowned.

/

Merle lay back looking up at the ceiling as a young nurse manhandled his goods in broad daylight and wished he could crawl into a hole in the ground. He had an IV in his wrist and already felt like a laboratory animal being inspected before slaughter.

“All done,” the nurse quipped. “That’s not so bad is it?”

“Yep. It’s that bad,” he argued. “I may never feel right again after this.”

“Men are always the worst with this stuff,” the nurse grinned.

“We’re just freaked out by young girls messin’ with our junk.”

The nurse and her aide both giggled and left Merle and Andrea to themselves.

/

The last hour before he was taken to the operating room was agony and Andrea only let go of him once to use the bathroom.

“I wrote you a letter,” he said when he knew that time was running short. “I put it in your purse.”

“Do I have to wait to read it?” she asked.

“Yeah, read it after I go. And don’t be mad at me, OK?”

“If you dump me in a letter while you’re in surgery, I’ll kick your ass,” she teased.

“It’s nothing like that,” he laughed. “You ain’t getting rid of me, honey.”

Andrea had an idea that the letter was just going to be hard to read but that he likely needed to vent all of his feelings.

“I’m not going to be mad at you, babe.”

“Good. Cause I wanna see you smilin’ at me when I wake up. That’s all I want now.”

“Three hours and I’ll be right by your side, smiling for you.”

Merle pulled her into a long slow kiss and savored her lips until a porter arrived to take him away.

“I love you; Merle…I’ll be right here when you wake up,” she repeated. She didn’t know what else to say.

“I love you too much, honey, I always will,” he insisted as he let go of her hand.

/

The lights were bright, and the smell of ‘hospital’ was thick all around him. He looked up and spotted the warm and pretty eyes of Dr. Williams and felt more at ease.

“You ready, Mr. Dixon?” she winked.

“I guess so.”

“Nothing to worry about, OK? I’m going to take good care of you,” she said, and although her mouth was covered by a mask, he could tell she was smiling.

The clinking and clanking of surgical tools and the sound of plastic packages being opened left him with the sensation of being on an alien craft, of being prepared for dissection. He was scared then, and it must have shown because an anesthesiologist came around and put something immediately calming in his IV.

“That’s…good,” he mumbled.

“Just a little something to calm your nerves,” the doctor smiled. “Still sure about all this?”

“Yep…let’s do it!” he grinned.

His face was covered by a mask, and he was told to breathe deeply.

“I asked her to marry me,” he slurred.

“That’s nice,” a mask covered face answered. “I hope she says yes.”

“Me to…Andrea’s my best friend…and we’re in love…she’s…all I…want…”

                        #################

His eyes were urged open by light, and he tried to fight it but failed. The moons were brighter than before, but there were still three of them.

“Fuck,” he groaned when he realized where he was.

The ocean reflected the Christmas light stars on the surface, and he felt the purring of the cat face moon beneath his body. The sand before him was warm, and when he looked up he noticed that the cat face moon was asleep…he didn’t want it to wake up.

Merle got to his feet and crept toward the trees where he had found his way home last time, but the path was no longer there.

“Well, well, well! Look who has returned. I told you not to come this way, traveler.”

“You still think I come here on purpose?” he huffed.

“You keep playing with death, so yes.”

“I’m in surgery, I ain’t trying to kill myself.”

“Are you playing the hero, traveler. Giving away your God-given organs to others?”

“What kind of conversation is this?” Merle groaned. “I owe this woman my kidney and I ain’t playin’ the hero.”

“Could have fooled me,” the cat purred.

“What’s with you anyway? I end up here, and all you do is try to piss me off. You’re like an…”

“Antagonist?” the cat suggested.

“Yeah! Exactly! Why the hell are you antagonistic with me? I never did anything to you.”

“Apologies, traveler. I’m only making conversation.”

“Make nice conversation then!” Merle growled.

“You found the blonde woman?”

“Yep,”

“And she’s yours now?”

“Yep.”

“Let’s play a game!” the cat grinned.

“Why the hell not? Looks like I’m stuck here with you till I wake up,” Merle chuckled.

“If you win, I’ll send you back safe and sound in no time.”

“And if I lose?”

“You stay with me…I like you’re clueless, muddled company, traveler.”

Merle didn’t like the sound of it.

Did the cat moon have the power to keep him there?

“What’s the game?”

“Easy as pie, just answer a riddle.”

“I suck at riddles.”

“This one is easy.”

“If you say so.”

“There is a certain crime, that if it is attempted, is punishable, but if it is committed, is not punishable. What is the crime?”

Merle paced the beach for a while; he was never one for mind games, riddles or puzzles. After a while, he took a break from mulling over the riddle.

“Why aren’t there any stars here? What’s with the Christmas lights?” he asked.

“You’re running out of time, traveler,” the cat moon warned.

“You never said this was timed!”

“Everything is timed. Nothing happens without time being aware of it.”

“You’re still mad as fuck,” Merle scoffed.

“Tick tock, traveler. Tick tock.”

“A crime that you are punished for if you attempt it…but not if you commit it?” he mused.

“What is your answer?” the cat demanded and then it hit Merle like a stiff wind. He had suffered for this very crime and hadn’t succeeded in committing it.

“Suicide,” he answered.

The cat moon’s emerald eyes lit up with rage, and he hissed loudly down at Merle.

“Shit!” Merle yelped and darted toward the treeline.

Merle cowered behind a tree trunk for a moment, afraid to look back up at the evil feline moon, until his curiosity compelled him to.

The moon’s surface was as barren as the other two moons when he finally lay eyes on it, and he smiled. The cat moon was finally gone.

Merle walked out onto the beach again, toward the dark blue ocean and dipped his toes into it. He wondered what the place looked like in the daylight; he had only ever been there at night time. The cat moon was gone, and Merle felt as though he knew who it had been or at least who it represented. The cat moon was his greatest antagonist; the moon was his father.

There was calm all around him then, and he thought of Andrea back in his world. He wondered if she was reading his letter, he hoped that she wouldn’t be upset when he saw her again.

                       

 


	24. Love, Merle...

**_ *Slow Dancing in a Burning Room  _ **

**_ Chapter 24 - Love, Merle..._**

**_ Unravel - Bjork  _ **

**_ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgBbJKiRxmc> _ **

**__ **

Andrea was a wreck as soon as Merle disappeared behind a set of heavy double doors and down a dim corridor.

She spoke briefly to Daryl over the phone and assured him that she would call as soon as she knew something and as soon as he was in recovery. She walked to a waiting room and put her earbuds in to escape from the world and to prevent anyone from speaking to her. She played a song that Merle sent her that stunned her; she never would have taken him for a Bjork fan.

 

**_while you are away_ **   
**_my heart comes undone_ **   
**_slowly unravels_ **   
**_in a ball of yarn_ **

She retrieved a handful of change from her pocket in a daze as she tried her best not to think of a doctor cutting into the precious and perfect skin of the man she loved. Dropping coins into the coffee machine and trying to hold back a wave of panic that she shouldn’t have let him go made her feel dizzy.

 

**_the devil collects it_ **   
**_with a grin_ **   
**_our love_ **   
**_in a ball of yarn_ **   
**_he'll never return it_ **

****

Eventually, she walked her putrid hospital coffee to a quiet corner to take the letter from her purse. She didn’t want to read what could be the last message she ever received from him; she didn’t want to make it final in any way…but she couldn’t resist.

 

 **_so when you come back_ ** **_  
we'll have to make new love_ **

****

The writing was neat and compact, almost unassuming considering the meaning of the words on the paper.

 

**_Andrea,_ **

**_I had to write this all down, and I hope you’ll forgive the rambling, but I’m really nervous today._ **

**_I was a hard case when we first met, and you were the first person to ever look beyond the front I was trying so hard to put up. That first week was the darkest of my life, but you pulled me back from the edge with your kindness. Opening up for the first time in my life was finally possible. I was lost in the dark before we met. I didn’t think it mattered what happened to me, that nobody could ever care for me…and then you did. You showed me the light._ **

**_You believed in me even though I made mistakes. Making amends 6and reaching out changed everything. Being with you was all I ever wanted, just holding your hand that night under the stars made galaxies collide for me. It was the happiest accident of my life._ **

**_In prison, you were the light that kept me alive. Just thinking of that one slow dance got me through it. Being away from you was the hardest thing I ever survived, but showing you that I could be someone in this world became all that mattered to me. You made me a better man with your love._ **

**_You are beautiful in every way a woman can be and the fact that you spend any of your time with me is still confusing._ **

**_I'm a simple man, and I don't have a lot to give you, but you know you have my heart. I can also offer you all my time, my attention, my honesty, my devotion and that I'll always remember those times with you in your office and how lucky I was to find you. You're the only woman I could ever love, and that will never change._ **

**_I’m in surgery now and maybe it’s a dick move to do this now, but if the answer is no, then you’ll have time to think of how to let me down easy, right?_ **

**_I’ll love you till I die, Andrea. I’ll give you everything I have. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you._ **

**_Will you marry me?_ **

**_If this is too fast, I swear I’ll understand. I never want to rush you; it’s just that your love makes me so excited I can’t think straight sometimes. It feels like my birthday every day with you. I just wanna run right off the cliff and see if I can fly with you, you make me feel like I could._ **

**_See you when I wake up…I hope!_ **

****

**_Love, Merle_ **

****

**_p.s. Only read this part if I don’t make it. I’m not trying to be depressing, but it’s possible that I might not get a chance to say goodbye._ **

**_I think it’s going to be OK, I see us together in the future, and it’s perfect in my head. We’ll be one of those couples who stays madly in love till we’re old. We will still make love in old barns and look up at the stars together. I really do believe that, but just in case I’m wrong there are some things I want you to know._ **

**_Even though I only got to have a short time with you, you changed my whole life. I could have died that night you saved me and then I would never have known what it was like to be in love and have a woman love me back. I dreamed of having someone when I was a younger man, but I never had love until I found you. I wish so bad that I found you sooner, but if this is all I get, then I can’t really complain. Being with you was the time of my life. You gave my life meaning and purpose. I loved you right from the start, Andrea, and I always will. I got to have everything with you, I got a whole lifetime of happiness in less than a year, and I have no regrets. Thank you for loving me and giving me someone to love. We will see each other again, in the stars._ **

****

She looked up from the papers in her hand, tears falling silently from her face and nothing in her heart but fear and helplessness.

_How could he leave her such a letter?_

The first thought in her mind was that it felt sadistic, but it wasn’t. The letter was pure love, and she couldn’t fault him for that, even if the words flayed her alive with sadness and longing. She looked up at the clock, taunting her on the wall over the coffee machine and sighed heavily as it dawned on her that it would still be two hours of waiting.

 

 _ **while you are away**_  
 _ **my heart comes undone**_  
 _ **slowly unravels**_  
 _ **in a ball of yarn**_  
 _ **the devil collects it**_  
 _ **with a grin**_  
 _ **our love**_  
 _ **in a ball of yarn**_  
  
_**he'll never return it**_  
  
_**so when you come back**_  
 _ **we'll have to make new love**_

 

Merle’s Bjork song was playing on repeat for probably the fifth time and she could still hear his voice in the crook of her neck, his words drifting on warm breath into her ear.

 

**_I love you too much, honey, I always will…_ **

****

 

****

****

 


	25. I See Us Together

**_ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room _ **

**_ Chapter Twenty – Five – I See Us Together _ **

 

“I can’t stand this…what if he’s not OK,” she winced into her phone.

Andrea needed someone to tell her it would be OK, and she knew that George would do that for her.

“Andrea, this man came back from the brink just to be with you. Everything he accomplished was so he could be with you…this operation ain’t gonna stop him.”

“Tell me I’m being silly.”

“You’re being silly.”

Andrea spoke to both, George and Tony over the phone and they insisted that Merle would be fine, but it only helped so much. Still, she appreciated having people to tell her what she needed to hear.

Thankfully, Daryl arrived to sit with her for the last hour and the minutes dragged on like awaiting the school bell on the last day of class.

“You’re all he talks about,” Daryl noted as he handed her a bottle of water from the vending machine.

“Your brother is the man I’ve been waiting my whole life for,” she answered in return.

“I’m happy that you found each other…Merle has been punishing himself for years and I still don’t really know why.”

“I think a lot of it is his bipolar disorder…and also what happened when he was a child.”

“Merle was treated like garbage, we both were…but it was worse for him,” Daryl mused. “It made him afraid to get close to anyone.”

“I’m glad he let me get closer to him…it didn’t happen overnight or anything though,” she added.

“It had to be something really different between you, cause I never saw him settling down like this.”

“I know this probably sounds silly, but I believe he’s my soulmate.”

“I think so too. You saved his life in more ways than one.”

“Andrea? I have news.”

Andrea and Daryl both looked up to see the concerned face of Dr. Williams.

“What’s wrong?” Andrea blurted, she knew something wasn’t right instantly.

“He’s in recovery in intensive care right now, but there was a complication that we will have to watch. His lung collapsed during the surgery, but it has been corrected now.”

“What?” Daryl gasped.

“This is a common risk with this type of surgery, but he is stable now. There is just a slightly increased risk of pneumonia which could be serious if it occurs. We have him on antibiotics and we are taking every precaution we can,” Dr. Williams assured them.

“Can I see him?” they both asked at once.

“He won’t be awake or lucid for a while yet, but you can come up to see him for a moment.”

“He’s alive,” Andrea sighed, taking Daryl’s hand and squeezing it for a moment.

“Nothing’s gonna keep my brother down,” Daryl grinned.

/

Andrea wasn’t prepared for the way he looked when she walked through the door of his recovery room. Dr. Williams was explaining more about his recovery to Daryl, but all Andrea could focus on was Merle, laying so still and lifeless before her. The lights were dim, and he had tubes for draining fluids from his abdomen, heart rate monitor wires, supplemental oxygen and an IV…he looked so fragile and she couldn’t take it.

“Jesus,” she whispered as she approached the bed.

Daryl lay his hand on her shoulder as she sat next to the bed and gently touched his hand.

“Why did I let him do this?” she winced.

“He wanted to…I don’t know if we could have stopped him.”

“He’s going to make it,” Dr. William stated with confidence.

“You know that for sure?” Daryl asked.

“Nothing is ever for sure, but in my educated opinion I would say that he’ll be back on his feet within a couple weeks…and Jacqui won’t need dialysis anymore.”

Andrea just held Merle’s hand in hers and stared at his face until her eyes began to blur with tears.

“I love you,” she whispered. “Come back to me, babe.”

/

Andrea walked with Daryl to grab a coffee after an hour of watching over Merle, she had a feeling that he needed to run. Daryl had a family and duty was always calling.

“Are you heading out?” Andrea asked.

“Have to, but I’ll be back tomorrow after work.”

“Thanks for waiting with me,” she said, and Daryl leaned in to give her a friendly hug before leaving.

“Thanks for being here for him. I don’t want him to be alone when he wakes up, but I need to pick up Sophia today cause Carol is working.”

“I’m not leaving until I see him, he won’t be alone. I’ll be taking care of him when he gets released as well. I’m taking some time off work and everything…I need a little break anyway.”

“Like I said, he was so lucky to find you.”

“He proposed to me…”

“He did?”

“In a letter…he left me a letter to read while he was in surgery.”

“And what is your answer?”

“I can’t wait to be his wife,” she smiled.

“He’s going to have a happy awakening then,” Daryl grinned. “Thanks for showing my brother that he’s worthy of happiness.”

“It’s my pleasure.”

“Call me if anything changes.”

“I will.”

/

Andrea checked that it was OK for her to wait and the head nurse allowed her to stay since it was only one visitor and she was simply sitting quietly by his bedside. Andrea flipped through a magazine but never really took her eyes off him. He began to wake up after an hour and she called the nurse right away to check on him.

“Welcome back, Mr. Dixon,” the nurse whispered as his eyes slowly adjusted to the light.

Merle groaned and grimaced and was quickly checked over.

“How is your pain out of 10, Mr. Dixon?”

“A six?” he croaked.

“You just push this button here if the pain gets worse,” she informed him and showed him where the button was to control his pain medicine.

“Mmm,” he answered with his eyes closed.

His voice sounded even rougher than usual in his drug-addled and post-op state.

Andrea waited patiently as his medical needs were seen to and was just excited to hear his voice again. He was alive. Eventually the nurse left them alone and Andrea reached out to touch his hand, drawing his eyes to her.

“Honey…”

He looked blissfully happy to see her, despite his pain and she knew that no man would ever make her feel the way he did.

“Merle…my answer is yes.”

It took him just a moment to realize what she meant and then his smile grew even wider.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Andrea leaned over the bed delicately to kiss him and he tried to raise his arm to touch her face.

“Careful, babe. Just rest,” she warned as he realized that his IV was preventing his movement a little.

“I’m going to take such good care of you,” she whispered. “I’m taking vacation as soon as you’re released.”

“You are?”

“Yes. You won’t have to lift a finger while you recover.”

“How’s Jacqui?”

“From everything I’ve heard, she appears to be fine. I can check with Dr. Williams as soon as I see her again.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re such a good man,” she said softly as he sat back in the chair but continued to hold his hand.

“I didn’t give you a ring,” he said randomly, and she couldn’t help smiling.

“I couldn’t care less about that, Merle. I just want you.”

“I’m gonna get you one as soon as I have the money.”

“Listen to me…just think of recovering right now. All I want is you, babe.”

“I love you,” he sighed.

“I love you too, even though you left me a letter that gave me a headache from crying so hard.”

“Sorry.”

“I forgive you,” she smiled. “You should rest now.”

“Are you leaving?” he asked, looking worried that he’d be alone.

“Only when they throw me out, and then I’ll be back as soon as they let me in…you won’t be alone if I can help it.”

 

 

 

 

 


	26. I Love You

  ** _Slow Dancing in a Burning Room_**

**_ Chapter Twenty – Six – I Love You _ **

 

Andrea rushed out of her hotel, almost tripping over her feet two days later after receiving a text from Dr. Williams. She wasn’t leaving Atlanta until she could take him with her and thankfully the facility back in Davidson was trucking along without a problem.

Merle had a lung infection, and his blood pressure was raised. Dr. Williams insisted that none of the news was a reason to panic and that he was being treated, but Andrea still lost her mind as she raced to see him at the hospital. “Andrea, you didn’t have to fly here,” Dr. Williams grinned. “I told you we are just monitoring everything.”

“I can’t help it,” she sighed.

“I get it…go ahead and see him. He’s awake now.”

Merle was able to get out of bed and walk around a little after two days, although he was still in pain and catheterized. He hated the catheter most of all.

“Hey, babe,” she smiled as she walked into his new room off the intensive care ward with a more relax visitor policy.

“Honey,” he smiled like he’d been waiting years to see her. He apparently hated to be alone in the hospital.

“You have an infection?” she asked softly as she sat and took his hand.

“More antibiotics and another drug for blood pressure,” he nodded.

He coughed then, and she could tell that it hurt to cough from his expression.

“You should hold a pillow while you do that to support your stitches, babe.”

Andrea grabbed a pillow from the end of the bed and lay it against his belly so that he could cough with some support against his incision.

“That’s better,” he sighed.

“Anything else I can get you?” she asked.

“I don’t wanna treat you like my caregiver.”

“Hey, I am your caregiver,” she insisted. “What do you need? Anything at all.”

“Apple juice with ice?” he asked.

“You got it. Will you be OK for a moment while I get it?”

“You’re so good to me,” he said, looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.

“I have a vested interest in your well-being,” she grinned. “You’re going to be my husband very soon.”

“I like the sound of that,” he answered.

/

Merle was living in a daze for the first week after his surgery, but Andrea was always there, and he was excited to go home with her after 10 days in the hospital. Daryl brought Carol and Sophia to visit him one evening, and he managed to get a smile out of the little girl at least once. It was slowly coming together, slowly but surely.

The infection in Merle’s lungs made recovery more agonizing because he needed to cough so much, but he was slowly getting there. Finally, the morning came of his release.

“I think I can let you go now,” Dr. Williams said after checking him over carefully from head to toe.

“I’m gonna make it then?” he smiled.

“I’d say so,” she chuckled.

“Jacqui still doing OK?”

“She’s right as rain almost. You were both tough as nails as it turns out. No rejection for her so far and no infection.”

“Thank God.”

Getting up and walking around was still a slow process but he was able to get to and from the bathroom without much difficulty. Andrea said she was going to wait on him hand and foot and it sounded like a dream to have someone caring for him, he rarely even had that as a child.

“So, I can call Andrea?” he asked.

“Yes, but you’ll need to go into your local hospital in 3 days for reassessment,” she reminded him.

“You got it. Thank you, doctor.”

“It’s my pleasure. This is what all the years of study were for,” she smiled.

His time at the halfway house ended when he went into the hospital, and he was allowed to go home with Andrea as long as he checked in with his parole officer every week and continued to wear the ankle bracelet until the 6 weeks was up. Somehow Warden Murray had pulled strings to make life easier for him, and Merle even heard that he wanted to meet him which he was happy about.

For some reason, Warden Murray had gone out of his way to make it all possible and Merle wanted to shake the man’s hand.

“I can’t believe I get to go home with her now,” he sighed.

“You take it easy though, OK? No…amorous adventures as long as you’re still sore.”

“But when I’m not sore I can?” he asked.

“I can’t believe you’re already thinking about it?” she chuckled. “If you have any discomfort from any activity at all, you stop. Do you read me?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She made some notes in her paperwork and rolled her eyes as she got up to leave, muttering to herself as she answered a text on her phone.

“Ain’t that men for ya? Just had a vital organ removed and already wants to knock boots. Good grief!” she noted as she left the room.

Merle liked her sense of humor, Dr. Sasha Williams was all kinds of brilliant but also very relatable. Merle picked up the phone on the bedside table and called Andrea even though it was only 8 am, he couldn’t wait to be with her alone again.

“Hello?”

“Hey, honey. Guess who’s getting kicked out of hospital?”

“For real?”

“Yep. Can I still come home with you?” he grinned.

“Of course! Oh my God, this is awesome! I’ll be right there!”

Merle loved how excited she sounded. She had been living out of a cheap motel for the last 10 days, and now they could both go home.

“Drive safe, honey.”

“I will. Be right there!”

She hung up, and Merle just chuckled to himself. He knew that nobody would ever be as excited to see him as Andrea.

/

Merle was taken by wheelchair to the hospital entrance by a porter, and in no time, Andrea pulled up and gently helped him into her car.

“This is it,” she smiled, laying her hand on his thigh from across the console.

“I made it outta there…still can’t believe it.”

“You’re really free now, babe. What do you want to do first?”

“I just want to lay down with you and maybe take a nap, I think that’s all I can handle, but as soon as I can walk properly, I wanna marry you.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” she grinned.

“You swear I’m not rushing you?”

“I’m ready, Merle, I don’t want to wait any longer.”

Merle watched her drive for a while and realized that he had won the lottery of life.

 

 

 


	27. And I Always Will...

_** Slow Dancing in a Burning Room ** _

_** Chapter Twenty-Seven – And I Always Will… ** _

_** 6 Weeks Later ** _

_This song is one of my all-time favorite songs and it's a great ending song to this story:)_

_** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cf1jBKx3Zo> ** _

 

Merle took the afternoon off work the night before his wedding to meet with Warden Murray and was offered something he didn’t expect.

“How’s the recovery going?” Warden Murray began.

“Really well, but I have a wonderful woman to take care of me, so I’m lucky there.”

“Nothing like a good woman to set you sailing in life.”

“True,” Merle nodded.

He was excited to meet the Warden because he had made his freedom possible in the first place, but he didn’t really know what to say.

“Well, Mr. Dixon, the reason I wanted to speak to you is because I think you could be of great use to us here.”

“Here?”

They were sat in the Warden’s office on the grounds of the prison, and he had no idea what it meant.

“I find your story quite inspiring, Merle. I think that of you were willing to come and speak to some of the younger men here; it could inspire them as well.”

“Oh…like a speech?” Merle queried.

“Exactly, or even like a permanent mentor. We could pay you as well.”

“Huh?”

“The local paper and even a paper in Atlanta was interested in speaking to you about the surgery as well…this could be a great story to share with others.”

“What does Jacqui think though? I didn’t do this for attention or anything.”

“Mrs. Davis says that it could help raise awareness about organ donation, and I think she has a very good point. Anything we can do to promote that is a good thing. I had an uncle who was killed in a work accident, and a teenage girl got his liver, so it hits close to home for me too.”

The warden’s interest in his case made so much more sense to him then. Merle was a little more stunned by life every day, and he found that jumping in with both feet was the way to go lately.

“I’m in,” he smiled. “Anything I can do just let me know.”

“Great! I’m happy to hear it.”

“Maybe I could help out in the garage too?” Merle asked.

“Sounds good to me.”

Merle shook the man’s hand and was escorted by a guard out of the prison as they exchanged friendly banter. He felt almost like a businessman, and as he approached Andrea standing next to her car, he felt a wee bit cocky.

“Guess who’s got a second job at the prison as an inspirational speaker?” he winked.

“For real?”

“Yup. Gonna be talking to the papers too,” he laughed. “Guess it’s some kind of feel-good story or something. Just a fluff piece I’m sure, but the Warden figures it’ll make people happy, even Jacqui’s on board.”

“I’m gonna have a famous husband,” she teased.

“Not really, but I think I cleared my name a little.”

“You did, babe. I’m proud of you.”

“So you ready for tomorrow?” he asked.

“I’m ready now,” she giggled.

/

Daryl tied Merle’s tie with squinted eyes and then smiled as he brushed some dust from his brother’s shoulder.

“Not bad,” he noted.

“I can’t believe she’s marryin’ me,” Merle sighed.

“I felt the same when me and Carol tied the knot.”

“It’s that inexplicable Dixon charm I guess.”

Daryl laughed and pulled on his own suit jacket to get moving along to the church.

Merle still didn’t feel 100% like himself yet, but he was close, and Andrea was patient. Merle hadn’t had to lift a finger since coming home and was only just starting to get back into working out.

The church was a small united church in Davidson, but they had a fair number of guests including Jacqui and her family, the crew from Andrea’s facility, Dr. Williams, and Dr. Evans. Everyone took some time to talk before the ceremony began and Merle was happy to see the guys from the facility again under happier circumstances.

George grumbled that his wife had forbidden him from riding Merle's old bike since he had skidded on the road and cut his leg up quite badly. He offered Merle’s old bike back to him at a massive discount and Merle jumped at the chance to have his Triumph back.

“Thanks, man!” Merle exclaimed.

“Hey, she’s your baby, she belongs with you.”

/

When the ceremony began, Merle felt so nervous until he saw her smiling face, and then he knew it would be OK. Tony walked her down the aisle, and she looked like a dream in her simple white dress. Andrea looked into his eyes when she reached him, like he was the man she dreamed of as a little girl and he prayed that he was reading that look accurately. He wanted to fulfill her every wish in life, the way she had for him. They recited the formal vows and then were allowed to add the ones they had written themselves. 

“And now, the couple have prepared their own vows. Merle?”

“Thank you for seeing me for who I am, accepting my flaws, and helping me to become a better man. I promise that I’ll always put you first, that I will teach you all the constellations, and that I’ll love you just as I do now until the very end.”

He had also promised to keep his vows somewhat short and less sentimental so that she didn’t ruin her makeup.

“And now Andrea?” the minister prompted.

“Merle, you are the only man I could ever love, and I’m proud to call you mine. Nobody could ever love me the way you do; you’re my soulmate for life. I promise to support you, to always remind you of your worth, and to love you too much as long as I live.”

“Very nice,” the old minister praised.

They were introduced as man and wife, and Merle almost ran with her out to the awaiting car to be alone for a bit before the reception. Merle shook a few hands and gave a few quick hugs on the way to the car, but then they were off, hand in hand and madly in love.

/

Andrea pulled the bobby pins from her veil to remove it, and Merle came to stand behind her as she caught sight of him in the mirror before her. She sat before an antique vanity in their room at a little rundown B&B and smiled to her reflection. She was Mrs. Merle Dixon now.

“We did it,” she whispered. “We get to spend our whole lives together now.”

Merle touched her shoulders gently and bent down behind her to kiss her neck with his firm lips.

“Thank you…thank you for saying yes and for being my wife.”

“You know…I still remember so clearly the night I first met you.”

“Oh God…please forget that night,” he groaned.

“It wasn’t the night that you first arrived. The night I first met the real you was on the rooftop when you showed me the stars…that was the night that I met the man I just married.”

“That’s me…and I’ll never be that other man again,” he vowed.

“If you ever did slip up, I would love you right through it until you were better again…but I don’t believe you’ll ever go back to that life anyway.”

“I won’t.”

“I know…so just make love to me, Mr. Dixon.”

“Your wish is my command, Mrs. Dixon.”

He ran his hand down from her cheek to her throat as she watched in the reflection silently. His hands were the only hands that she ever wanted on her skin again.   
“It’s silly I suppose...but I have this urge to claim you physically as a Dixon woman,” he growled with his lips right against the pulse beating rapidly in her neck.   
“Do it,” she whispered.   
His teeth grazed her neck then, and his hands grasped her breasts greedily. Her eyes never left the reflection as her lips formed a devilish grin.   
His right hand began its descent to the lower half of her wedding dress, and it was swiftly pulled up. She looked down at her lap to see his work-weathered hand slither its way up her thigh to her white silk panties.   
“I bet anything you’re already wet for me, Mrs. Dixon.”  
“Why don’t you find out?” she purred.   
Merle was sliding his hand inside her underwear, and he was rewarded by the sensation of her slippery, warm, smooth lips against his fingertips.   
“Fuck yes,” he growled. “I need this right here, honey.”  
“Then take it, my man.”  
She was slowly undressed by him, like unveiling a treasured, priceless artifact. Andrea was swept up into his arms and laid down upon the bed as she devoured the sight of him crawling over her.   
His chiseled body was so beautiful to her, even with the scar that he felt self- conscious about. The scar from his surgery was a reminder to her of his bravery and goodness, and she kissed the entire length of it when she got him beneath her.   
They pleased each other slowly at the same time, laying on their sides head to foot. Merle held her perfect leg over the side of his face as he drank her pleasure and pulled a sweet orgasm from deep within her.   
Merle held onto his release until he was inside her, and all hell broke loose. It was furious, heated, pure perfection.   
Making love on that day was an occasion they would both remember always.   
Merle fucked her so steady and looked longingly into her eyes. Andrea was taken completely in by his love, never wanting to be freed. 

 

/

In the end, Merle had to buy Dr. Evans a nice glass of wine at the reception because everything had come true on his list of wishes except children and he wasn’t being picky over that one detail. Merle had new lists of dreams now, his dreams were wild and free, and he didn’t limit them at all. He dreamed of babies and maybe writing a book about his experiences. He dreamed of traveling with Andrea and looking up at the stars with her from different continents. He never dreamed of the cat moon again; he was always chasing life rather than death from that moment onward.

Merle remembered that day for the rest of his life in beautiful snapshots: Andrea’s white dress and golden hair, the wildflowers she held in her hands, every word of her vows, and that first perfect kiss as man and wife.

_**The End** _

 

 

 


End file.
